Well, I am hopeful that the numbness has passed. I have a new energy now and I have come to several decisions. My wife has long treated my like a dog, to which she would just throw a bone to once in a while when she got tired of me jumping up and down. While we have been married for 18 year, the past 14 have been...well, let's just say I've been very lonely in this marriage. I decided I can't give anymore to it, for I have nothing left to offer.
So, rather than waste the rest of my life chasing the impossible dream, I've just begun to focus on myself for awhile. Yes, I'm sitll in this mess, but I don't have to be lonely. I could say that this sad, but at the same time, I am finding it exciting, because I am getting to know myself again, and getting in touch with old dreams and ambitions that I had long forgotten I had.
I owe most of this to a wonderful and inspiring individual I've met right here on our own EP. She has been an answered prayer to me. She has taught me that love does still exist, and that there can still be hope, and that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. She is the one who helped me to remember what my long dormant dreams were, and she gave me the self esteem to rekindle those dreams and desires and to have the courage to pursue them. She has also reminded me that there is all the time in the world and it is at our disposal. Whatever I am, whatever I will become, whatever I have or will have, I owe to her. Funny how you can such an incredible friend and yet not meet that friend face to face.
I don't know how I view my marriage anymore; the only thing that I am sure is that it hasn't been a marriage in more years than I care to look at. Whatever it is, as long as I keep in mind what it isn't, then I can stay focused on myself, my children, and my friend's needs and the things that are effecting her life, too.
Please wish me luck and pray for me, because I haven't felt like this since I was 20! and that was a long, long time ago.