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My Worst Fear

Last night, I found out that I may lose a huge chunk of my already very low income. I'm very frightened.

My worst fear on this earth is being homeless. I am already very much physically alone--in the sense of the only daily companionship I have is my three cats. The only two real friends I have I've never met--as they live in the UK.

I am really, really scared. In the last year and a half, I've lost my mum, my educational future, three jobs, my home, my flat...I was just getting back on my feet and now am told I owe a huge sum to the govenment because they made a big foul up on my paperwork.

I so want to be dead, it's not funny. I am NOT committing suicide--but that said, I would give anything to be dead. To me, it would be like winning the lottery. Life is far worse than death, as far as I can see.

I would very literally rather be dead than homeless.

When you're poor, or alone, or mentally ill---people treat you like dirt--like you've no value, whatsoever.

But, when you're homeless--in most American's eyes---you cease to exisit altogether. I would rather be dead. I really would. I'm really, really scared. I could use a hug right now--not a "virtual" hug, but a real one--oh, how I would love to hear the words, "everything will be alright." But it's not, and there's no one there. I'm just so scared and lost and lonely. I wish I were dead.
whovian whovian 46-50, F 10 Responses Mar 15, 2007

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I feel the same way that you do. My mother is all I have. She's now 80 years-old and became ill. I moved back from LA to help her stay in her home. But now she is so ill that I can't manage her, even with help from my family. In coming here, I kind of sabotaged my career and spent a lot of savings. Now that she is going, her house will be sold and I wonder what will be come of me suddenly. Friends and Doctors help me fight these fears and panic attacks. But I know, deep down, that if I were to become homeless, I'd seek to kill myself. Life is already too difficult on every level. Why bother going on iff it were to get THAT bad too.

But for now I keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to get on and save myself. But I give myself permission to end it all if it gets to be too much.

I am in your shoes right this moment. With two beautiful children dragged down with me. Where are you now?

I am mid fifties my mom passed away last year when I was unemployed I used to stay in her apt and not pay rent now I don't have that option and what I have done for a living for 35 years is dead <br />
If I could get a $10 hour job I could survive however no one will give that to a middle age person<br />
If I have 20 more years of living sometime in the future I am going to end up in a really bad place<br />
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I just know it<br />
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Your comment about wantting to be dead I understand<br />
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May the lord have mercy on you <br />
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thats the only thing I can say

Well Dang, I'm only a "couple years" too late for this thread...I wonder if You are okay? How did You fair....what happened to you? I WANT FOR YOU TO BE OKAY....►I DO UNDERSTAND◄ where Your mind is at and DO grasp, as in "Relating to", that intolerable FEAR. The FEAR may be coming from an unhealthy place (as mine often has) but IT'S REAL and i KNOW how SICKENING it feels. <br />
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I don't know ALL of your story; I'll look around for more stuff--what caught my eye, twice, with this post was the SUBJECT line, to which I so strongly relate. Next then I saw a couple of the "COMMENTS" (on this facing page). They PEEVED me significantly! I am just appalled by some people's UTTER INSENSITIVITY............NO BODY "DESERVES" nor will they be "BLESSED" by being WITHOUT SHELTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRIPES, even the planet's animals/all creatures HAVE HABITAT!!! <br />
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FURTHERMORE, grrrrrrrrrrrr, Your AGE and Your gender: Those are VERY IMPORTANT factors IN MY VIEW. <br />
I lived with a PSYCHOTIC for far too many years, IN CAPTIVITY to the JERK, then when I finally find my POWER, my OWN MIND so that I began to ACTIVELY DETACH from that Demon..............HE begins to act out in More frequent, and grander, and DANGEROUS ways with me until FINALLY, shorten the story, ►♦•I END UP ON THE SIDEWALK•♦◄!!!!!!!!!--w/scarcely a fraction of my belongings and after 30yrs in "LACKY" PRISON by that Missssssssssssserable ne'erdowell (WHO ►CAUSED◄ my ISOLATION, which then invariably SETS UP MY FEARS, BTBLOODYWAY!!!!)<br />
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IN MY case, IT'S MY AGE AND HEALTH ISSUES == "STUPID" == that made MY HOMELESSNESS SOOOOOOOOOOOO OUTRAGEOUSLY INTOLERABLE and You think I didn't FEAR?? Holeee COW...I had INSTANT PANIC ATTACKS and then my health began to plummet. WTH am I supposed to DO now with NO support, No place to live, ALL THE GD SHELTERS are FULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the women's crisis and support agencies have been UNDERFUNDED/UNDERCUT world wide but PARTICULARLY HARD IN THE USA. <br />
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There ARE•NO•JOBS. •=READ=MY=ANGER=•...Fewer still for WOMEN who are aging and DISABLED and/or w/o MARKETABLE SKILLS. Women get RAPPED, ROBBED, 'PLAYED', and ASSAULTED more than a Man (but it's NO CAKE WALK FOR A MAN EITHER) out there!!~~"On the street AND in those bug-infested shelters full of alchoholics, druggies, and mentally iffy folk"~~~ and IF YOU HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS (Medically speaking)....You have EVERY RIGHT TO FEAR.. Depending on which city/town or county one lives in, the HELP can be significantly different +/-.<br />
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AND-------------------------what do you do with your BELOVED PETS!? I was CRUELLY separated from mine; I'll never see him again. THAT was probably the WORST heartbreak. <br />
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IT'S 2011 now, my tragedy happened this past Spring..DURING A WORLD ECONOMIC MELTDOWN!!!!!!!!!! NOW, someone tell me it's BLESSING IN DISGIUSE (being HOMELESS)...I dare you. I've heard a LOT of idiotic things given as "advice" in my time but few things as ASSININE and BLATANTLY CRUEL AS THAT which I refer to above.<br />
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THE TRUTH is closer to the other suggestions: You are stronger than you think, trials will show that to you. Doesn't MEAN You're an EMOTIONAL giant but You will be okay in time. DO try all numbers your doc might provide for you, every shelter, every women's or seniors program, food banks, churches, any benevolent agency you can discover.....If you have Panic disorders, try locating a DOCTOR for a bit of help. Let people know what your special needs are.. Look for people or agencies that will take in your pets TEMPORARILY and get onto HOUSING AUTHORITY WAIT LISTS as a DISPLACED woman----if You're in the US. <br />
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Keep contacting EP and any other sources for any type of HELP--- if only to just LET OTHER'S KNOW where You are and that you are alone and afraid...<br />
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I was in my CAR and in EXCRUCIATING pain and going through ALL kiiiiiiiinds of panic and mental/medical distress--I couldn't EVEN THINK. I didn't have AN ELECTRICAL OUTLET to plug in my MEDICAL equipment either!!!!!!!! HAD LITTLE TO ♦ZERO♦ MONEY, no family nearby either...but I kept on. It has been a NIGHTMARE and I'd NOT recommend this for ANYONE. I am STILL HOMELESS but not "houseless". I don't have all of my belongings...not even MY BED. OMG, my aching body misses MY BED. I located an old friend so I rent a room from her....It's NOT ideal here but I am safe and I have her twin bed to sleep in and a door to close for privacy. I did get onto wait lists for an apt of my own and have been in touch with my sister some Hours drive from here....Heck I was OFFLINE for five months; talk about Lonely!! No access to info I needed in a hurry, no one to talk to, not enough food, money running out............I STILL fear I will end up in some ditch because GEEZ the country, THE WORLD is falling apart--next will go my measly income--GODDESS FORBID... but I HAVE made a few Positive connections now. Authorities know where I am and my comp is back up so I have access to help and friends and like that....<br />
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Ahem, My SISTER who drinks too much sometimes, said to me..........in my face while I was shaking and panicked and SICK and sooooooooo sad "If I ever become homeless (her mobile is falling apart and she is disabled too), I will kill myself" =o/ SEE? How misspoken words can CUT LIKE A KNIFE??? Way to PUSH folks over a cliff, ya putzes..<br />
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GOOD LUCK Whovian.........things will work out sooner or later and You WILL grow from the experience.....My STARK FEAR has toned down to almost a squeak today....It will for you too... Hang in there and keep talking..<br />
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Love and Hugs, LR

Look into working for yourself on the side. Although I'm just a customer at this place they are also looking for members. I think it's like only 30 bucks to join and it's legitimate. I'm sure you will do well doing it. Also, words are very powerful. Stop thinking the worse and start to plan for the best. My dad would tell me as a young girl there is an answer to every solution. And by golly there is. It doesn't matter how bad things may seem, still think and sleep positive results for your life and your sons. Believe me he's listening to what you're saying even when you think he's not. Never let FEAR control your destiny. It's just a trick of the enemy to keep you from the prize he knows you will receive as long as you strive for what's great. You may not want to be dead but it sounds like you're already planning your demise. F.E.A.R....False evidence appearing real....don't let it get to you. Things are supposed to happen, it's how you deal with it that matters the most. Will be thinking of you. And remember now is not the time to bring in the negative. Even if it's something negative that happened. Be strong, k.

Hey, I hear you and I have compasion. I am a 47 year old male in the USA and I have major heart issues. I am completely disabled now and my health is so bad that I cannot even hold down a part time job now. I worked all my life, full time, since I was 15. Now I do not know what to do. I am so scared too. All I know is that the fear, whatever it is related to, being homeless or any other overwhelming fear can cripple you. I am trying my best to think positive and not fear. I pray that you can somehow overcome this fear of becoming homeless. I wish I had all the answers and I wish I was able to help others financially but I am in such a place that I struggle daily with overwhelming fear of becoming homeless, starving, dying a horrible death beacuse my medicines that keep me alive are many and I am month to month on getting them. I will pray for you. There are others everywhere just like you. Not everyone thinks the homeless are non existant. Once you have been in someones shoes it changes you, I think for the better. God bless you and hang in there

I share a fear of being homeless, but for completely different reasons. Since I HAVE been homeless in the distant past, I know that the main difficulty is basic needs: Shelter, Food, Sleep etc. But from your essay, I would venture to say that you could really benefit from being homeless. Sounds like you are in a fear-based cycle of isolation, and while it's true that you might be marginalized by the "normal" society at large, so what? Sounds like you aren't participating in it much anyway. Once "out", You will find that the society of the homeless is perhaps the least judgmental, most accepting class of citizens in the nation, since they are all bonded by a shared experience of feeling marginalized. You might find yourself with a host of unconditionally accepting friends. It might even save your life, in more than one sense. Scrabbling for food is a small price to pay for freedom from your current self-imposed prison.

Everytime I see a homeless person I want to give him money, but I have none. I feel bad for them and would like to help them somehow, it makes me so angry how bad my boyfriend talks about them. BEST LUCK TO YOU

I have courted death for many years. She wil not take you until she is ready.<br />
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I was homeless for a few years. It actually taught me how strong I am. <br />
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And you don't "cease to exist"-- and even if you did, would it be all that bad? Anonymity can show you an awful lot about yourself. Don't be scared.<br />
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And you might consider seeking an altrnative source for income. Aint nothing wrong with holding down two or three jobs.<br />
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Keep your chin up and remember-- it could always be worse!!

What I am about to tell you is the gods honest truth. I am a single parent of a teenage son. Seven years ago myself and my son were homeless. It is the scariest thing and I have never been more of a nervous wreck in my life. My mother is married to a man who is moderately wealthy. At the same time my mom is the type that will side with her husband and not her children. After a failed marriage and no where else to go my son and I both moved in with my mom. The problem was that I didn't see eye to eye with her husband. He is a very controlling man and he did not like the fact that I didn't let him control every aspect of my life. We had a falling out where he asked me to leave right away. I had no where to go and my son was only 9 years old at the time. We ended up staying at a homeless shelter. The organization here is called Samaritan House. They helped me get into an apartment and straighten out my credit. I had my own case worker and she was just like an angel. She was wise and compassionate with lots of good advice. I did everything in their program they asked of me and it worked out. I don't know what I would of done without their help. I ended up going back to school and now I am in the Medical field. It was a long hard road but I made it. People can be harsh towards the homeless and act as if they brought it on themselves. That makes me sick. A lot of people on the streets are mentally ill or very down on their luck. It can happen to anyone. Check the organizations and shelters in your area in case you find yourself in this situation. There is help out there. The Department of Social Services was not much help to me. I asked them during my crisis and they acted clueless and like it wasn't their problem. Try churches also they can usually lead you in the right direction for help. Good luck to you and god bless.

I am 18 and Female... I am about to go homeless in a city called Windsor... I am going to a shelter called The Welcome Centre.. I am terrified.. All I do is cry and dread an cry and I cant eat or sleep or smile I am so scared I wont be able to see my mom for a few years and it will be my first time being without her for more then 1 day... I feel like I am going to break....