Still Scared

Things are just going from bad to worse.

First I lose my disability, then the govt. says they overpaid me three month's worth of checks--to the 689 dollars each!

Today it was announced that my work hours will be drastically cut.

And tonight, I got a notice in the mail that my student lenders are considering legal action to take what very little pay I have, because I can't repay my student loans.

In the past year and four months, I've lost my mom, my home, two jobs, my car, my flat, four of my beloved cats, many of my possessions...physically speaking, outside of my three cats, I'm utterly and completely alone--day in and day out. I have no friends locally. Hardly anyone at work speaks to me, except in passing. My only two real friends, I've never met--and likely never will--as they live in the UK.

I'm done. I can't do this. I can't tell anyone. I can't. My two friends--and a few others, that I've met through the internet, have tried to give me moral support, and have been more caring than the likes of me deserve.

But I just...can't. I don't want to kill myself. But...I don't want to live like this anymore, either. I'm so tired of being scared and alone and hurting inside. I have lost so very, very much. I was forced to put four of my seven cats to sleep in November--two of which I had for 17 years--and I miss them so sorely. I miss my mum so very much. I hurt so much inside, I just can't stand it.

Forget about having never been properly snogged--I've not even been hugged in over a year. No shoulder to cry on, no nothing.

Suicide is heaven, living his hell--and I'm stuck in purgatory. I don't want to die, but by God, I honestly don't want to live anymore, either. It's a weird place to be.

I'd quite literally rather be dead than homeless. I can't live through any more loss--I know that I can't, this time. I barely made it though the autumn, last year.

I thought, these last three months, that this nightmare was finally over, that my life was finally stablizing and getting better. But...I was wrong. I know now that I'm a total loser. That I'm never going to make it, in this life.

I can't go for help---especially not in this condition--they'd lock me away--and that would only escalate the things that I most fear---I really would lose my job, my home, my cats and my possesions--and be locked away, besides. That would be, if such a thing is even possible, worse than burning in hell, worse than being homeless.
whovian whovian
46-50, F
5 Responses Mar 28, 2007

i dont know you, but your life does matter. I would like to be your friend, and just be there as best as i can, if that is ok. Many of your concerns and fears are the same as mine.

If I knew how you felt, I would try to say something that would maybe help you. But I have never been in that situation... and the reason why - is cause God is protecting me! He provides for all my needs. So many times I had a need, and I would just ask God for it, and next thing I know- its there! God is real, and he can take away your pain. He can solve your problems! Just need to invite him into your life. <br />
I have sooo many friends. When I go to sleep, I have to turn off my phone, or I will be woken up few times by incoming calls and msgs. Guess what... Most of my friends are from my church. <br />
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My life is great! My current job requires me to work with people and listen to their everyday problems. I know that the only reason why im not in the same situation, is cause I decided to dedicate my life to something greater....

I have been through alot of that...including disability screwing me around...When I get suicidal...I take my night meds and sleep for about 12 hours and for some reason it resets my mind. Please don't hesitate to use local reasources if you even remotely feel unsafe. Feel free to PM me on here if you need to talk at all.

i know things are tough for you. There are other people on here that went through the same thing as you. You should find them and tell them. suicide thoughts come form there being no hope for help. And the more depressed you are the less chance you will see that hope. Depression takes you down by thinking there is no other way but so many have found a way to be happy. Most of the only friends I have is online as well. I don't really have any friends either. I am sorry I can't hug you from here but I can still give you a virtual hug. **hugs**. I have not had a hug since 2 years ago and the one before that was six or seven years ago. I know what it is like to be lonely. I am always here to talk if you want. You writing this letter to us is a cry for help. Call that number above. We are trying to help. We need you to take it. Here are a few sites: <br />
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http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_women.htm<br />
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http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm<br />
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http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm<br />
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Please read them. They helped guide me a little when I was kinda suicidal. write to me if you want to talk.

You are in a difficult spot, but you are more cared about than you could ever imagine. Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for crisis counseling to help you through this time.