Je Ne Regrette Rien

Nobody has ever hurt me, not that i can recall. No one ever really made me feel betrayed either. I have never had my heart broken, how could I...I have never felt love, they way I would expect too...yet it seems that My ENTIRE family loves me. I have one younger sister, and growing up she was always my willing guinea matter what I did to her (or her friends), she would always come back to me with open arms and a big smile. Without hesitation or any remorse, nothing but acceptance and forgiveness....even now...I crashed my car not too long ago, she came and got me about 3:30 am...never made a single stink about it, to anyone.
Why, why is it that I put people through the ringer...even Dante's Seven layers weren't this complex, and at times, not this difficult. I am constantly keeping people at arms distance...I have long arms...
It seems that I won't allow/accept others getting close to me...and there are plenty that want too...and I just don't seem capable of letting them. On occassion They'll sneak underneath my arms, and as they somehow shuttle in my an artful matador, I side step their attempts which causes them to crash.
The persistent ones regain their composure and formulate another attack...the rest, chalk it up to another one of life's lesson and carry on...

I never seem bothered by these challenges and losses...strangely with these struggles, some people with strong curiosities often seem to be driven then, I am somewhere else, dressed in sharper red...
because I know that you will miss...everyone seems to miss...
I'm better then good at what I am capable of doing

This all makes me a liar at heart and a Hypocrit in the soul...

I claim self emotional sustainability is achieved...and it is
But, it gets monotonous...
Over and over, again and again...
After spending an entire social day...with all walks of life imaginable
I come home to my sole companion. He has four paws, a long tail and whiskers...he waits for me all day, to dance and sing once he sees me...he seems to love me too, even though I leave him alone for about fifteen hours each day...he forgives me, just like everybody else...well almost everybody.

Funny, I didn't think I was able to create and experience regret
"je ne Regrette rien"
But, I guess I have found a way to defy the known
Now, it's up to me to evolve from it...
I must learn and adapt
But, I still do hold my hopes and wishes
With my burning candles
If only I could be with my Kat...

Light a candle for us...and wish us for our best!
Thank you, this is my confession of how I wish I wasn't so difficult to get to know...otherwise I wouldn't have lost my way on the right road...
Ferric67 Ferric67
36-40, M
6 Responses Mar 16, 2012

Wow bitter sweet is all I can say...

Expressly written. Walls once built are difficult to break down. Hugs

Thank you moon dance lady :-)

Wow! Incredible writing and incredible ideas expressed.I loved reading it!

This is a very honest account of how you perceive yourself and your interactions to others. What warms my heart, is that you are still loved - by your family, and that it unvaluable. Friends, even partners, may come and go... but a family, will always be part of your life, for better, for worse. They do say blood runs thicker than water.<br />
From an early age I was the opposite to you - I was adamant I would not build walls around me, that I would not fortify my heart against pain - my theory was, if I make myself insensitive to pain, will I also become insensitive to joy in the process?<br />
But pain I got. From being too naive, too trusting; from giving my heart too easily, from believing the best in people.<br />
Yet, I am not sure I have that many regrets - maybe a few. My scars are part of my identity. The experiences, both joy and pain, shaped who I am today... and that is OK.

As the last light fades (as it shall for all of us) and the once bright sun dips below the horizon, will you look back on your day happy and content that you spent it playing matador games? Relieved that you escaped being gored by a bull?<br />
<br />
What happens when the bulls stop charging? <br />
<br />
Who is the spectator in these games, and of what are you trying to convince them? Once your audience (yourself?) is convinced of your skill and mastery of the art of evasion, what will be your next feat?<br />
<br />
Is it that you are happy with solitude? Or is it that you take comfort in the familiarity of loneliness?<br />
<br />
Which is worse, to feel the pain of loss, or never to know the joy of love?<br />
<br />
If you want to be, to act, differently from how you have and do, what is stopping you?<br />
<br />
(I hope you understand these questions come from a place of sympathy and understanding, not from a place of criticism or condescension -- and that you take them as such).

Dearest Mr Accomplice,
Thank you for your insightful contributions, you bring legitimate questions to my self analysis. Questions that i've broached in the past without achieving any definitive conclusions.
Without question, in my opinion it's best to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all...
Ask me to describe love, and an expression of...would be similar to asking the blind to describe color...
I wish I could though, and I bet that i would be able to if I was in a position to allow myself to evolve and connect with others.
That is ultimately what my bottom line is...I feel a disconnect, a general inability to coexist with others on a personal level. With that being said...I can mold myself to be more accommodating if I so wish too.
My true fault lies, in that I came in contact with a kindred spirit who had no appetite to charge my cape. I was blind to the conseques, and now bare the burden of true isolation.
I recognize that Kat and myself are a good and strong fit...but too little, too late is her motto.
There is an aspect to her, that relishes the role of punishing me. Kat is my little Aspergirl, and changing her mind is a near impossible feat.
I recognize my wrongs, and better yet, I know how to do it right...I just need a second that she is reluctant to give me.
I am not a religious man, nor do I pretend to be...but if you have any power of prayer, please send one my way.
I am missing the one person I've met, that not only can understand me...but I understand her! She will not be so fortunate to find others that understand her...
Thanks for sharing

Ferric, I'm sorry to hear that your Aspergirl has declared it too little, too late. I would suggest, though, that if you have the capacity to connect with, to love, one person then you have the ability to love others as well. Do not let the focus on the one without appetite to charge keep you from being open to others.

In my life, I have had a few "ones" like that -- each so special, so unique, so important to me, that I could not imagine ever feeling that way about another. As importantly, I never thought I would find another who would love me. It turns out I was wrong on both accounts.

You can cling to the misery of loss, or you can open your heart to the possibility of love. If you don't like how you are, if you don't think your characteristics and tendencies best suit your happiness, then alter them.

Good luck.

Dearest Ms Unwalled,<br />
My island is peacefully beautiful...the weather is great, the surf is ideal...paradise<br />
Sometimes,<br />
I just get bored being there.<br />
Rather then sending SOS in the bottles...maybe a map.<br />
I'm not a mainland type of guy<br />

Aspiegirl? The man I love said he was aspie. It all comes down to lack of self acceptance. When you describe yourself you did so negatively and perhaps that's is just the way you see yourself. And because that's how you feel about yourself you deny others to see you. But your are a beautiful soul. How do I know ? Your family knows. Once you open your heart and see the truth of this fact the emptiness will no longer be a barrier and the connection with be there as it has always been there but have denied yourself perhaps because you feel your not worthy. We are our worst critics. I know. I hope you kathryn returns as I hope mine will. But our break up has made this realization for me.