Never Was Before But Am Now.....

I have had a bad two years in terms of friendships, family and trust. I have been burnt and over time that changes you as a person. I used to be trusting, perhaps overly trusting, too quick to see the good in people and yet I have learnt some harsh lifelessons particularly lately.
I feel like myself and others have to have our eyes wide open around others and in my opinion (and which I will always strive to do in the future) hold a little bit of myself back until I am 100% certain that the person in question can be trusted.
I have had moments particularly this year where I have felt utterly alone. That bonecrunching feeling which seeps into you, hits you like you are walking out into the cold air with no coat on. That's how I have felt. Often. I have sat there and thought to myself "I literally trust no-one." and when you have those thoughts it is terrifying. The main instinct is to withdraw and protect yourself because right now, I feel like I am the only one who can protect me. Yet when an old colleague invited me out for drinks some time soon, my instinct was to say "no." Why? Because I am scared. Scared of letting someone back in, of opening up and being someones friend again. Because in many ways, I feel I completely fail in this area. But I am strong. And I know that once again, yes, once again, I have to try. Hope that this time it will be different and that this girl may become a friend and if not? Well I will have tried and I hopefully won't be hurt.

It is so hard when you have been through so much hurt at the hands of others to learn to trust again. I am not the same person, pain changed me and I will never be the same person that I was. Whether that is good or bad I don't know. Because now I am wiser but I feel I have lost a little part of me, the person I once was.
deleted deleted
1 Response Dec 3, 2012

I'm new to this site and just trying to find my way around. I was glad I stumbled across this group/post. I have a very hard time trusting people. It takes me a really long time to let anyone in. Even people whom have gained my trust I don't let all the way in. There are a lot of guarded people in this group. I am relieved but saddened that all of us have been hurt to the point that we have lost faith in true friendship, nonjudgemental love and humanity. It feels to me like this world has turned into survival of the fittest or every man for himself. Obviously, it's not just the people i know. Betrayal is hard to get over whether it be from a friend, parent, boss, or loved one. Thanks for your post!!