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Disconcerted

The disappointments and wounds from my childhood caused me to assume my own responsibilities and independence. I learned to depend on myself instead of others that hurt me or exploited me. Even as an adult, it's hard to cope with my own family not loving me or accepting me for who I am. They only take from me and send me into emotional chaos with every interaction. It's seeping over into my every day life. My emotional walls are high and stronger than ever. They are barricading me from others. My relationships with friends and my husband are suffering because of my fears and inner turmoil. I am afraid that I won't be able to let anyone in again. 

musingsofaseveredviolet musingsofaseveredviolet 26-30, F 2 Responses Nov 7, 2009

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Ironically enough, I had a phone conversation with my mother today. She sends me into such a spiral that I rarely speak to her. Once I do engage with her, it's such a surge of emotions- anxiety, depression, loneliness, the realization that she will never love me for who I am ...she will never the mother that I want and deserve....she will never care for me.....she will always be the manipulative, selfish, deceptive, paranoid person that she is. It's hard to swallow. It makes me retreat even more. I wonder if I will ever have a relationship with her. Even if I don't, I can't isolate myself from others forever...but it's such a safe place for me right now.

When I read what you wrote I felt like I needed to sign my name under what you wrote along with yours... You hit the nail on the head for me, how I feel, what I go thru and how I wonder if I will ever be able to truly trust anyone and let them in ever again.