I Wish I Could Be More Outgoing

A lot of the time in my life, I have found it very hard to connect with people.  Sometimes I just think people don't really care or they think "I have a great life, why do I need her as a friend".  I think it comes from my experiences as a child.  Looking back my Mum seems to be the same way.  She loved her family as she had a large one about 7 sisters and 4 brothers.  This kept us occupied as young ones visiting them and staying over.  But as for real friends, Mum had few of these.  She seemed to like her own company, except for family and even today she has lived on her own for  19 years since my Dad died.  When I was 20 I got in with a strict religous group who governed everything you did.  Outside relationships weren't encouraged.  I stayed with this group  for 14 years to the detriment of my own family and as a result I am now estranged from them.  I am no longer with the religious group but find it hard to reach out to anyone.  Most of the time I just rely on my own vices and don't have any real friends.  People from the church group, don't have anything to do with me and I do not allow myself to build relationships with people outside of my own immediate children & husband. 

People at work probably see me as someone who struggles with everything.  I work as a nurse but find this very taxing on me.  It is hard to be happy and cheery and continue to give good care when you feel like crap.  I feel my life is a mess and sometimes dream of running away from it and waking up in a new place where everything will be new.  Lots of friends, family and loving relationships around me. 

Anyway thats enough of me rambling on thanks for the chance to let me say what I feel



falfts falfts
1 Response Aug 20, 2008

I can totally relate to you. When i was growing up, neither my mom or dad really had friends. Shes a teacher who works with emotionally distrubed kids and really doesnt go out much. actually-they never go out. my dad might attend a social event twice a year, but my mom never goes. I think her reason for this is after she married my dad, she gained a lot of weight i believe because she was cheatd on during her first marriage. growing up, i never really saw them going out a lot, and never saw them talking to people except when they did they just sorta put on a fke show. when im with friends, im never the fruiend people really call to see how im doing, or throw me birthday parties, or really care much about me. im always just...there. like nobody cared if i came to a party or not i just came along because nobody wanted me to feel left out <br />
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its hard to be social. i never really fit in. just know you arent alone.