I Wish I Could Be More Outgoing
A lot of the time in my life, I have found it very hard to connect with people. Sometimes I just think people don't really care or they think "I have a great life, why do I need her as a friend". I think it comes from my experiences as a child. Looking back my Mum seems to be the same way. She loved her family as she had a large one about 7 sisters and 4 brothers. This kept us occupied as young ones visiting them and staying over. But as for real friends, Mum had few of these. She seemed to like her own company, except for family and even today she has lived on her own for 19 years since my Dad died. When I was 20 I got in with a strict religous group who governed everything you did. Outside relationships weren't encouraged. I stayed with this group for 14 years to the detriment of my own family and as a result I am now estranged from them. I am no longer with the religious group but find it hard to reach out to anyone. Most of the time I just rely on my own vices and don't have any real friends. People from the church group, don't have anything to do with me and I do not allow myself to build relationships with people outside of my own immediate children & husband.
People at work probably see me as someone who struggles with everything. I work as a nurse but find this very taxing on me. It is hard to be happy and cheery and continue to give good care when you feel like crap. I feel my life is a mess and sometimes dream of running away from it and waking up in a new place where everything will be new. Lots of friends, family and loving relationships around me.
Anyway thats enough of me rambling on thanks for the chance to let me say what I feel