I Hate Where I Am In Life

I've been married for 15 years now, but I have not been in love for years. I think that started shortly after he refused to believe and support me after I told him I was going through post partum depression nearly 10 years ago. There's so much more that's happened than just that, but I think that was the beginning. We have two beautiful girls, and they are the reason I stay. I have a college degree but have not worked in years. No social life, no friends. I don't know how to talk to people. And when I try, and I do really really try, no one seems to like me. I feel so alone all the time. I cry a lot. I feel so hopeless and helpless. I love my girls so much! If it weren't for them, I don't know if I'd be here anymore. I know what I should do. I should get a divorce and try to find my own happiness, but I'm so scared. I don't want to lose my daughters. I don't have a job or anywhere to go. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm terrified of ending up all alone and sad all the time. I don't have anyone to talk to.
I found this site by chance. I can't even remember what I typed onto the search bar. I read some stories and there are others who feel hopeless like I do! Not a great thing, but it is sort of nice to know that in a way I'm not totally alone. I just don't know how much longer I can pretend. I don't want to drag my girls through a divorce, but I can't continue to feel like this without breaking.
deleted deleted
26-30
2 Responses Sep 21, 2012

you have been married for 15 years but you are 30 yo or younger???

Sorry - but I have to throw the bull crap flag on this one.....

I find your post disheartening and empathize with you. However, I question whether you have truly communicated your feelings and needs in a way that your partner can understand? Men don’t think like women and they don’t always “get it” even when you are talking plain English to their faces. Sometimes it takes saying it over and over, different ways, at different times or showing them by your actions-such as reaching out for therapy on your own. Your feelings of emptiness and aloneness are just that YOUR feelings. A person cannot make you happy nor can a person make you feel empty unless abusive. I don’t get from your post that you are in an abusive relationship. The fact that you say you haven't worked for years leads me to believe you have been a stay at mom and homemaker for your family. That is a hard, selfless job that requires dedication and an innate desire to ensure your family has a clean home, that meals are prepared and served all the time, and that you provided love for your girls and your family without expectations of praise. No one gets a check for the job, usually you don't even get a thank you. What you do get is personal satisfaction in knowing that you are the reason your home is nice, your family is fed and your children are taken care of.

You stated you SHOULD get a divorce. Divorce isn't always the answer and is, believe it or not, the easy way out. What you SHOULD do is get help for yourself first to deal with your feelings of emptiness and perceptions of social inadequacy. It is also another way to show your partner that you have problems, you need help and that you want to work on things before your family or you is irrevocably broken. If he didn’t get then, after you have walked the walk, talk the talk, and ensured you were healthy emotionally…..then for your own preservation you may have no alternatives.

Marriage comes in many different forms, as do families. And it takes many forms throughout its cycle some of which are not easy. Sure there are days when just hearing a partner’s voice makes you furious. But if it were bad all the time, then how is it that you have two girls? Is there anything worth saving, is there anything about your life with him you love and would miss terribly if it were gone? Do you know how he feels about you? Does he do his best, whatever that is, to show you through actions or words that you are important to him? It is obvious to me that if you must love him in some way because that love manifests itself in the way you love your girls. Without him you wouldn’t have the ability or means to be at home with them all the time which trust me one day you will realize is the best, most important job you will ever have had in your lifetime. Sacrifices of yourself for your family isn’t always sunshine and roses. Sometimes it means you cry because things aren’t exactly the way you wished, but then you wipe your eyes, look at the positives and you figure out what you need to change to have more times where it is sunshine and roses. Sometimes it means your partner isn’t always there for you the way you want him to be because he is working to ensure that his family is taken care of financially. Sometimes it means you aren’t always there for your partner the way he needs or wants you to be. And all times it means that you work to communicate both the good and the bad even when you don’t want to or don’t want to deal with the reaction. And above all else, you nurture the one relationship that made you a family to begin with first-yours and your husband because once that is gone there is no magic in the world that would save your children from the pain they will feel in a broken family.

I hope that you think long and hard before you put into action a train you will not be able to stop. Maybe you should print this blog, leave it for him, and say “we need to talk”.