Finally Took The First Step To Freedom!

It's been a whole week now that I have been on my own with my little boy. I cannot believe that I finally found the courage to break free from a very toxic and dysfunctional relationship. I know it's going to be hard, I have no one here but I feel like I have my guardian angels around me and they are guiding me and protecting me. I do not not what I am going to do but at the moment I am just enjoying the peace and my little boy.
Wiltingflower Wiltingflower
46-50, F
6 Responses Feb 7, 2011

Freedom and peace are like hard bargains. They are very expensive but worth it. My kids are the source of my strength.

i understand your feelings and where you are coming from. my second marriage was to an abusive man. no idea of this at the beginning. we dated for 3 months, lived together for 3 months and then got married. came home and he mad an 180 degree turn. i could do nothing right so the beatings were frequent when he was home. working on an oil rig kept him home for days at a time. my daughter (then just 5 years old) and i were very happy when he was gone and scared when he came home. i didnt want to have the stigma of a second divorce so decided i would stay with him. that was until i finally found out that he also was hurting my child. then i left. unlike you, my parents took us in until i could get on my feet. it did take a very long time before i trusted my love to another man so i hope you can find love and peace in your heart before i did cuz your boy does need a man in his life. i found a very good man who stabilized my daughter's life and gave us the love and care we so desperately needed. God is with you and i've finally learned to listen for His messages as life is so much better when i do.

Thank you to all for your comments.<br />
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This journey that I have chosen to take inorder to release myself from the living hell and the grasps of an emotional vampire that was determined to drain every single drop of life from my dying soul, is so hard. I did not expect it to be rosey I did make the choice with my eyes wide open but, I have never felt so lost in my life.<br />
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I feel like someone who was locked up in a prison cell for many years and all that I could think of was how much I wanted to be free, how much I needed to find peace in my life.<br />
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Now, I have finally escaped that awful prison cell, I ran and I ran as far as I could go not looking back not even for a second. It was so surreal to me that I was finally out.<br />
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It's been a couple of months now and it has been damn hard. I feel like I am finally free but sitting in the middle of a never ending ocean. I have the oars of the little row boat in my hands but I do not know what direction to take. <br />
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I am alone, no one to talk to, no one who understands my pain, just me, my little boy and my boat.<br />
The emotions are so extreme and at times I really struggle to even make it through the day.<br />
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There is nothing left inside me, I feel so empty, alone and at time my heart hurts soo much I honestly feel that it is very close to the verge of exploding.<br />
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I try so hard to stay psisitive for my little boy, but in the samll hours of the night, when all is quite and asleep, my torment begins. At first it was only during my waking hours and now it has also moved into my dreams. I have no peace I am constantly in turmoil and the nightmares are so real.<br />
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Trust is a huge issue for me, as lonely as I feel inside, there is something that stops me from letting anyone in.<br />
I know that what I have experienced in life has a meaning and there are lesons to be learned. I watched this incredible movie with Julia Roberts last night, Eat, Pray, Love. Very good movie and very interesting. It has made me see that I do have a long road ahead of me to find true peace and happiness because it has to start within. I too, need to find a balance and at the moment there is only mayhem deep within. My spirit has been severely damaged and it needs to heal.<br />
I am slowly realizing that what I need to do is stop trying to find the answers as they will come on there own, when the time is right.<br />
For many weeks I would sit on my deck on Sunday afternoon alone ( by boy goes to his dad and stays over night) and I would have this uncontrollable burst of tears just start to flow down my face. It is almost as if the whole week of holding back all the pain just pours out while I am quietly sitting alone. Once all the tears dry up, you would think I would feel better, but I don't. I so hate this feeling. I wish I could just press the fast forward button and skip this godamn chapter of my life!<br />
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Then the weirdest thing happened to me this weekend. I was playing with my little boy on Saturday when I received a strange call from a florist wanting to confirm my address. Once I confirmed my address not even 5 minutes later there was a knock at my door. A florist courier was standing there with the biggest box of flowers from an Roses Only. I sat there for a few seconds with my mouth on the floor.<br />
I took the box went into the kitchen and opened it to find 12 beautiful long stem champagne roses, a vase to put them in, a box of chocolates and a $40 gift card. I quickly searched for the card to see who could possibly have sent these to me to find that the card had a brief message " Heard you were not feeling well, hope these make you feel better.... signed Anonymous!!!"<br />
I have no idea who sent them, I called the company but they would not release any information. I called all the people that know about my situation with you can count on the fingers of one hand and no one has claimed that they sent the flowers. I even asked my ex husband who suprised just mumbled a stupid comment " it must be from one of your admirers".<br />
I am so intrigued as the anonymous person has contacted me, I really have no clue who it could be. These flowers were not cheap so all I can do is sit and wait, I would really like to thank the person for their lovely gesture, but I can't.<br />
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All I know is that there is someone out there who was nice enough to think of me, but it really is freaking me out that they do not want me to know who they are.<br />
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I suppose time will tell.

Peace to you!

good luck