45 Years Of What? How Many More To Go And What Will I Do With Them

I am 45 years old and have seemingly done nothing with my life. I have never married but have a long trail of failed relationships behind me.. I do not have children. I do not own a house or condo or even have a car. I am a business professional though currently unemployed. Yet when I'm working, I don't consider it my career, but more of a means to an end. I have no real hobbies or passions of note..

I am miserable and very frightened...
PogoStick99 PogoStick99
46-50, F
12 Responses May 8, 2011

I was a business professional but had a nervous breakdown and now on disability. My family wont talk to me, I have no friends, no car, no money. I truly feel your pain.

Make "I love life" your mantra, and then keep doing what you are afraid to do. Ask yourself, "What am I afraid to do?" and do it.

More psycho--babble.

I can relate to all of that, pogostick. I too am 45 (born in1966). I am a professional male who left a job temporarily when I was 42, in order to pursue something else which I now realize is beyond my capacity. I think I felt many of the same things when I was 42 and it seems that I tried to change my life by leaving the job and pursuing this other thing. It seems however that it made things worse. I am not married, do not have children, do not own a house anymore, but I do have a car. I feel as if I am drifting or on downward spiral. For every superficial meaning you might find in a thing, there seems to be another angle that contradicts it, rendering the whole thing meaningless and value-free. I feel like I'm on an empty journey. I wonder sometimes am I just journeying, am I lazy? I am also miserable and frightened.

Not much fun.

I totally understand you PogoStick99. Everything you've done up until now has probably been good and fine but you are experiencing the "inner crittic" now. Sometimes we women in our 40's/50's get these uncomfortable thoughts because of our hormonal changes. My life is totally different from yours yet it happens to me. I'm sure your a GREAT soul. Work on building self esteem and balancing hormones!

Nothing is a waste in this univerese whether living or non living. All existance has a meaning. try searching. You will feel better

Pogo: Well, you've got it all together! Good for you...

Whykeeper: Another thing: I just thought of a great piece on Salon.com I came across recently the link to which is below. I'm thinking you're a woman, but even if you're a guy, you might relate to the subject. H<br />
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life is never what we make of it.. no matter what the world say...some of us never get to that place of bliss...in the same place a little younger but i am there.....

Thank you for your comment.

I am feeling a bit better as I have started a new project (I'm a contractor) so being broke --at least for the rest of the year--is one less thing for me to criticize myself about. But the despiar, while less of a 'throbbing pain' is still there
And yes, you are absolutely right about some of us not getting to (what society believes to be) the ideal place. A couple of thoughts related to that: I try to be ever mindful that a state of ongoing happiness is not even really possible for most human beings---except perhaps for those who are intellectually disabled. There are those who claim ceaseless happiness, but I doubt they're being honest with others and/or themselves.
I think the 'ideal' but realistic place to be is that of peace.
The second thing is that lately I'm of the mind that we might have multiple lives...and that this 'current' life is not the one in which I'll get married, have children or have a 'successful career' in the traditional sense. This 'theory' gives me some comfort, but it can be dangerous if I use to rationalize inaction. And it's inaction that is the enemy here.
Thanks again for your thoughts.

To LLadynyc: That's all psycho-babble crap. How can this person 'make it happen' and how does she 'start living' and how does she have the 'power to make it happen?' Really, what the hell are you talking about?

WaxDiva: I appreciate your thoughts. and indeed you pose the million dollar question: HOW do I make it happen--HOW do I start living?

But please be easy on LLadynyc; psycho babble or not, she's offering the right spirit---positive thinking--which I lseem to lack in a big way. Whether that's because I'm simply unable to adjust my attitude or I'm ultijmately unwilling, at this point I don't think I'll get very far without.

Its never too late to start living...make it what u want it to be. <br />
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Only you have the power to make it happen.....45yrs, you still have a whole lot of living to do...don't let another 20 yrs go by .

Nope. I'm a lady.

i take it your a man? yes i have written a similar story in this chapter