I hate myself. I've only got 3 years more until I turn 30. Last year seemed to be the peak of my carrier in the tech industry when I got a job interview from a prestigious software company in Europe. Boy was I excited in experiencing a pivotal moment in my life. I dreamed of working for this company since I learned how to program during my early days in college and I was excited beyond relief when they finally noticed me due to my diligent efforts on getting my projects on the web to be noticed by them.
I already worked for two software companies before this event and nothing compared to even just the prospect of working in this particular company. They paid to have me interviewed and flew me halfway around the world to their headquarters. I was simply overwhelmed by just even setting foot on their lobby! I thought my career was going up to the skies. But it was all too soon to abruptly end. Pulled back painfully to the ground.
The interview didn't go quite as well as I expected. I was prepared for it but maybe I was not that good. I prayed hard that somehow they'd give me a chance. I waited for hours for a reply e-mail on my laptop as soon as I got on the plane on the way home. Waited for tomorrow, the next day, and the next. Finally a week passed and received the much anticipated answer. Scrolled my eyes around the screen for just even smallest hint of words pointing to success. They tried to make it sound as painless as possible. But basically it's just it: I'm a failure.
Now here I am posting on this stupid bulletin board. I'm too ashamed to admit this failure. I didn't talk to my closest friends or even to my parents about it. I wont even post the details here because I hate the thought of even thinking about it. It just sucks! Everything sucks! I was bitterly disappointed.
My life is on a downward spiral now. That experience somehow affected me deeply. I've lost my will to do meaningful work and my past failures has come to haunt me more often than not. I am usually very passionate about the work that I used to do but I lost that fire now. I don't have a job, no plans for the future. I spend the nights at my hometown on clubs with girls and beer. I hate to be here. I've wasted my savings away. I lost the fire. I live with my parents. I am really desperate to have it lit again. It's been nearly a year since that stupid interview and I really hate to think of it. I hate that it happened! I wish it never happened!
Yes people may tell me to move on but I just can't seem to get it off my mind. I really lost the will. :(