Post

I'm Tired

I hate myself. I've only got 3 years more until I turn 30. Last year seemed to be the peak of my carrier in the tech industry when I got a job interview from a prestigious software company in Europe. Boy was I excited in experiencing a pivotal moment in my life. I dreamed of working for this company since I learned how to program during my early days in college and I was excited beyond relief when they finally noticed me due to my diligent efforts on getting my projects on the web to be noticed by them.

I already worked for two software companies before this event and nothing compared to even just the prospect of working in this particular company. They paid to have me interviewed and flew me halfway around the world to their headquarters. I was simply overwhelmed by just even setting foot on their lobby! I thought my career was going up to the skies. But it was all too soon to abruptly end. Pulled back painfully to the ground.

The interview didn't go quite as well as I expected. I was prepared for it but maybe I was not that good. I prayed hard that somehow they'd give me a chance. I waited for hours for a reply e-mail on my laptop as soon as I got on the plane on the way home. Waited for tomorrow, the next day, and the next. Finally a week passed and received the much anticipated answer. Scrolled my eyes around the screen for just even smallest hint of words pointing to success. They tried to make it sound as painless as possible. But basically it's just it: I'm a failure.

Now here I am posting on this stupid bulletin board. I'm too ashamed to admit this failure. I didn't talk to my closest friends or even to my parents about it. I wont even post the details here because I hate the thought of even thinking about it. It just sucks! Everything sucks! I was bitterly disappointed.

My life is on a downward spiral now. That experience somehow affected me deeply. I've lost my will to do meaningful work and my past failures has come to haunt me more often than not. I am usually very passionate about the work that I used to do but I lost that fire now. I don't have a job, no plans for the future. I spend the nights at my hometown on clubs with girls and beer. I hate to be here. I've wasted my savings away. I lost the fire. I live with my parents. I am really desperate to have it lit again. It's been nearly a year since that stupid interview and I really hate to think of it. I hate that it happened! I wish it never happened!

Yes people may tell me to move on but I just can't seem to get it off my mind. I really lost the will. :(

rdxyne rdxyne 26-30 7 Responses Mar 17, 2008

Your Response

Cancel

HI.

I noticed that this story was posted in 2008. I am not sure whether you still feel the same way. However, I want to share with you my experience. I was the same way about that age (around 26). I was from a high reputable school. I got a good job (according to other people standard) but was not good enough for me. My career was stuck while my friend who was in the same class in high school got accepted at MIT. I was pissed. So I pulled out every single energy within me to get a better job. Got my certification after studying like hell for one year. The difference is, I got accepted in my "dream" company. I started over from associate level. Overworked myself. I kept going and going and going. My ambition went higher and higher. I had to have the best projects. I competed with everybody. I could not stop. I had to have what I wanted. Until.. I got sick. Really sick. So, I decided to take a break. I did not quit my job. Still did hard work. But I tried to stop going after things. After a while I realzed that ambition will never end. Envying other people achievements will never end. And the biggest part is, I realized that they were never my ambition. They are simply ambition that got created by society. So I stopped envying other people's projects. I do my job and am thankful for every project given to me and guess what? I got a perfect score in my job (never got that when I was busy envying others). I got healthy. I smile more. And I no longer envy people.

Hi,

The world sucks, I am a 1st class science graduate with 5 years postgraduate experience, but still cannot land a semi decent job. Get angry, I did, the world sucks for everyone but the top 10% of richest pratts, its not your fault, its the way the capatalist society works!

Hope this helps

Hi,

The world sucks, I am a 1st class science graduate with 5 years postgraduate experience, but still cannot land a semi decent job. Get angry, I did, the world sucks for everyone but the top 10% of richest pratts, its not your fault, its the way the capatalist society works!

Hope this helps

Hello all, I thank you for your positive encouragements. Being always optimistic in spite of adversities is very important. I learned my lesson now.



Anyways, who would think that this month, I was accepted at a team in a European Fortune 100 company that is making the software frameworks for mobile devices and has the largest market share of mobile products in the world! :)



I tell this lesson to everyone that even in low points in our life there can always be a second chance. You wait for that and stop wasting your life dwelling in your failures!

You're not alone. You are at an age when many people face themselves in the mirror and are unsure of who they are.



I would suggest that this is a great time and opportunity for you to reflect on your own sense of self (identity) and worth. I don't hear the voice or conviction of a person who loves themself, knows their own value and feels strongly about what they have to contribute to the world.



It sounds like somewhere in the process you looked at the greatness of this company, and their proverbial offices in the sky and wondered why they would even want to hire someone like yourself. If your core belief is that you are insignificant and not worthy, then you will project that belief into the world and people and potential employers will reflect those experiences back to you.



You will get there. If you have the means, I would seek out some counselling or coaching and invest the next year in developing a stronger sense of yourself and your personal power.



All the best.

OOoooohh, well that sucks. Similar thing happened to me, sometime after graduating college.



I would take the job description, the personality description and read it and it sounded like they were describing me.



Big corporation, good pay, travel, I mean, pretty much as fun a job as I could think of it right then, anyway. So I got depressed about it, bitched for 3 months.

And everytime I run to their logo, (on some wall in pretty much any building) I just think to how I ****** it up then. AAAaaaaaaaaah....



Well, then I got offered an internship at this other company that is a little more famous on the good and the bad, - yes big corporations. Pay isn't as great and challenge... what? Anyway, I'm a bit dissapointed by the world class organization so far. Isn't really all that.



Maybe, I should go back to my previous job, or wait it out a bit. I don't know.



So I ask myself if I could ever dare to call up my interviewer and ask to meet him again. I cringe at the idea of meeting them again, and it sucks. That was .... 8 months ago now.

There seem to me to be plenty of people here at EP who are willing to lend an ear and a kind word, regardless of your dilemma. I don't have a ready solution for you, but to put a slightly different slant on the whole experience, I can't help but wonder if the very fact that this prestigious firm interviewed you might not look pretty good on your resume? At some point, I'm sure it will become necessary for you to seek other employment, and perhaps for a smaller, up-and-coming company, the fact that your expertise is of the calibre that a large, world-class organization would consider could work very much in your favor. Keep the faith ...