Sometimes, I Feel Like A Waste...

After I graduated from high school, I wasn't so sure about going to college...I was undecided on what I wanted to go for. So, I made up my mind and chose to study on being an x ray technician. I didn't really want to go for that, but I just wanted to do something...I ended up going to college for it, only went for the fall semester. After that, I stopped going...I didn't really take my classes seriously...I failed 3 of my classes and I got academic probation...I was going to go the next semester, but I had no one to take me to college. So, I quit...I felt bad because of the many opportunities that they gave me. I wasted my parent's money on books and only for a semester. I probably should've went to college, when I was sure and ready about it...I just chose whatever and rushed through everything. And, I didn't take it seriously. Four years I am. Just the same as I was 3 years ago...jobless, and haven't achieved in anything in life recently. I feel like a waste...I haven't done anything, and the more older I get...the more embarrased of myself I am. I sometimes hope I can get pushed to that point where I really need to do something. I'm alive, yes...but I'm not actually living my life as most people my age are. Here, where I live...most people around my age, are something in life, they have a career or job...they even have kids, they get married...and that's why sometimes, I feel so different around here. I feel lower next to them, cuz I haven't done anything to be proud of... I feel like I'm the only one but I know that I'm not...I'm sure there are others in the same place where I'm at. I feel so alone sometimes, I feel like no one knows I exist...I'm mostly always at home, every day is almost the same. Like a routine, it gets very boring...but I just sigh and continue on. I'm just content with what I have...I try not to think about so much of what I haven't done or don't have or wish I had, it just depresses may not happen now, but who knows what life brings...
PunizhedZoul PunizhedZoul
22-25, F
9 Responses Oct 26, 2011

If it makes you feel any better, I'm finishing up a double major in Marketing/Finance, am the president of the AMA at our university, and am in the top 8% of my class. I'm totally unsure of my future however.I truly don't know if i will ever fit into the business world for three reasons. 1) I HATE dressing up unless it is for special occasions. 2) I don't like sitting in a cubicle for 10 hours a day because my mind begins to wander after like 3 hours. 3) I'm just not professional. I swear often, use drugs, and am extremely open and unbusiness like I guess you can say. I wish I could just work from home so I can get my job done in my own comfortable environment, smoking weed, and wearing a pink floyd t shirt. Unfortunately 98% of the business world does not work this way. So I truly don't know if the business world is right for me and I only have a year left to figure something out. I just don't want to take a job and be totally miserable the rest of my life, which looks like I may have to do.

Thank you for sharing's all in the past, it may haunt from time to time but you're not there, anymore. You're safe with your family...the only thing that matters now is that you can still go for your interest as a graphic designer. You still have time...just keep moving forward. I can relate to what you said that fear is what held you back...I'm like that, too. Sometimes, I worry that one day I'm going to be thinking back and saying that I should've done this or that, I could've, would've....because I have social anxiety and because of it, I feel like I can't do much. But, I do try to make an effort to better a change, I guess. I also used to think so negative but I've learned to get rid of the negativity and let positive thinking, help me. And, it has helped me... :) What matters most is what we have ahead and that we still have time to do things that we want to do, and can do....alll we need is that courage. :)

I was an intelligent, artistic and strikingly beautiful teenager. I was also a total mess. precious little parenting and alone in the world at a young age. It was a desperately sad and scary time and has effected the whole course of my life. At 31 I have a loving partner and am a full-time mother to two children. I have seen some of the world and had some great experiences. We aren't well off but cope. I have been with my partner since aged 19. I was attracted to him because he was good, kind, safe and made me feel secure. I spent my 20's 'rebelling' against all the crazy things I did as a teenager which I felt ashamed of - which in hindsight weren't that crazy at all. This 'rebellion' took the form of never looking nice, rarely having fun out with friends, becoming overweight, stayed in allot and spent much time on money renovating the run down house we bought. I was desperate to have a nice home and some children. It was all I wanted. I love my children utterly and completely and feel a huge sense of obligation towards my partner and gratitude for what I value the most in my life. My experiences travelling, my children, our home, special people in my life. Sadly however my life and my perception of it has always been obscured by a fog of fear and anxiety. It's taken so much away which can never be replaced, my true enjoyment of so many wonderful experiences and others which I never had because of it. It's only now in my early 30s that I have manage to see through this fog. I see allot now which I didn't before. I can't help but wonder at the different lives, experiences, relationships I could have had if I had been stronger as a teenager, or if circumstances could have been different - what I could and would have done as a better rounded young adult entering the world. My whole life is the legacy of a few bad years as a teenage girl and it's only now that I realise the great potential I had. I have to rebuild my career from scratch, having given it up to stay at home with my kids. I would like to be a graphic designer and actually have some training, rather than winging it and doing one badly paid freelance job once in a blue moon. I can't contemplate leaving my children (one of which has extra needs) in childcare and so all those things are impossible until I decide otherwise - and I won't - because of my issues with them ever feeling left and unloved as I did. I feel better for writing all this down actually. I will never get my youth back, but I recognise now that the true thief of my potential, wasn't my Dad's alcoholism or my my Mum's cold indifference, or lack of money/support/love/guidance. It was fear. There truly is nothing to fear but fear itself. I am just going to keep going and try my best to be unblinded by fear. Being grateful for what I have and being hja<x>vasc<x>ript:void(0);onest with myself about what I need to do next.

Thanks for reading my story and for sharing your experiences with me...hope all is well with you.

You story touched me the most because I feel the same way. I always thought my youth and beauty has no time limits. I got married at 22 after 7 months of dating. Even though I was not sure in my choice and decision, I thought I have had the whole time in the world to change it. I was always ambitious, intelligent and extremely motivated person. But thoughts of me wasting my time do not leave me alone. I have a fear that as soon as I reach 30, I will have nothing but regrets.

Hey! Sorry for commenting late but I found your post and thank goodness I did. I pretty much relate to you in some aspects. Well I'm turning 22 in this summer and like you, I rushed myself into something that I ended up not really loving. I mean for me, this major that I wanted to go into I like as a subject, but I honestly don't like seeing myself doing it for the rest of my life. I kinda want some career with open options in it. My feeling for this, iss kinda like movies. You like watching them and buying the dvd to see the bonus features but you don't really see yourself being a filmmaker and making movies yourself; just like watching movies. That's kinda like me. I admire and find this subject beautiful but I'm thinking of switching because I don't feel challenged or intrigued in a way that I thought I would be. <br />
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I went to community college first for 3 semesters and now this is my third semester here at the university. But I really just want to take a break after this. This major isn't something that I want. I should have known when I had doubts about it the first time a year ago. I can't believe I allowed myself to be talked into something that I already known that I didn't want it. Well. I don't really care what their opinions are. I know it's horrible to blame them but it's partly because they talked me into it. I honestly want to take a break. Get some room to breath myself other wise I'll burn out. And that's definitely something I don't want. At least I have strength to be decent in my classes. I'd hate to see myself do or feel any worse than already in my situation. Message me back if you want and we can exchange similarities of our situation.

No, it's okay...excuse me for replying late to your comment, I just saw it...I undertand, I was like that when I didn't even want to go to college and I too had my doubts

And, I was right, I didn't like school...I failed 3 out of 4 of my classes. So, I stopped know, now I know that if I have any doubts then, I'll go with it and choose wisely.

*choose wisely, next time.
Btw, thanks for reading my story. :)

Just remember to keep searching and go with what interests you. Look to the past about what you have had fun with. What interested you since you were a child? What did you like doing a lot? What did you like learning about (if any). That's my strategy. Just keep a curious mind, because it's true that the older you get, the more time you'll run out. And always listen to your conscience very carefully. Don't be reckless and rush into something like I did.

1 More Response

OMG I relate to your post SOOOO much. all my friends have careers, are building wealth, buying houses, investing, and are making things HAPPEN in life. This sounds shallow, but i see them buy more expensive clothes and accessories, and dress nicer on a regular basis, not like a poor college student, like they are moving up in the world, moving up in the type of jobs they are getting, moving up in establishing a reputation. I don't know how they do it. i think what they do in a whole day i probably do over the course of like a year. after i graduated from college i worked at a job that was too difficult and stressful for me and quite after 3 years and since then its like i've just been bumbling around not getting anywhere.i definitely relate to the thing about being more embarrassed the older you get. that IS how i feel. its like the years go by and i still have MANIFESTED anything in my life!! I'm 28 now and every birthday is just so depressing. the older I get the more unforgivable and unacceptable it all gets. I wish I had a direction, i just don't know where to put my energy so it'll actually take my life somewhere. I don't know how other people do the things they do, it all seems so overwhelming to me.

You can always try something new...there's no rush, sure...time flies but you can always think about what you really want to do and when you're ready...give it your best. Don't be're still young. Take it as a can do it. I used to think..."good things come to those who wait"...that's just stupid, how much more do we have to wait?...I saw this car commercial, where a guys says that quote and then says..."good things come to those who work". That is true, right? We have to work to get what we just be proud of what you have, no one is better than anybody...just cuz it seems that people make more money than you doesn't make them better/'re doing just fine, least you're not doing anything. Just keep doing what you do...a direction can happen, it's up to you, though... Best of luck to you.

thanks error89. there is a part of me that knows the more positive aspect, and a part of me that still indulges in the negative. time does fly when you're doing what you really want to do, and i think taking action is a good thing. it seems like the more i do, the more things become clearer. yes and thank u for reminding me that just cause some people have more money does not make them better

I feel the same way..I went to college in a big city thinking that I wanted to work for a magazine, or do something in fashion. I quickly learned that these types of jobs were not for me..after an internship at a magazine, which I quit early because I realized I hated everything about that type of job.. I soon found myself being super depressed and like I failed. I stopped going to school..and officially withdrew this October. I don't know what my purpose is in life, I too feel like a waste, and I feel like I've wasted time, money, and at times don't know my reason for living. Despite this, I believe nomatter how bad things may seem to get we cannot lose hope for better. I wish you luck, and just know that you aren't the only person in this situation, and there are others that you can talk to and can help you through this

Thanks. 8)

I think a lot of people feel this way, nowadways especially. I know it sounds cliche, but the key is to live for yourself. Do whatever makes you feel happy, even if it's something you think other people may find strange.. like putting on puppet shows or something. I feel this way often, especially when I compare my life to my peers. But two things seem to make me feel better, at least temporarily. Volunteering and working out. Volunteering makes me feel involved, less lonely, and purposeful. And itsa great way to meet people and develop skills. Working out- releases endorphins (kind of like what they call "runners high"). And your life doesn't have to be about your career. A job can be seen as a life path, or it can be just a way to make a living. So even if your job doesn't make your life feel fulfilled, doesn't mean your life can't be fulfilling in other ways. Sorry to ramble, I just feel for ya. best of luck <3

Thanks. 8)

Thanks for posting this. I feel much of the same way. I have some things in place...a job. An apartment. A few important people in my life. It's been a struggle over the years to acquire those things for myself and years ago I assumed that things would turn around once I did. They didn't. I still feel like I'm just kind of deteriorating. Wasting time. I think I've been a loner a little too long at this point and it keeps me from really fully embracing these things and feeling like I'm a part of them. Much of that is cause I don't like myself very much and I feel unfit for them. So, even though I've attained some things, I still feel apart from them.<br />
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So what does it take for things to turn around? Sometimes I think I'm just going to stumble across something that will give me some direction and some purpose. Like, I expect to literally find it sitting in my living room one day, all gift-wrapped and shiny and new and perfect. I guess I shouldn't hold my breath... It seems pointless when I don't know what I'm looking for. <br />
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Boy. I blather. :P Anyways, I liked your story because I could relate to it. I hope things turn around for you soon.

Thanks for reading, I understand how it is...I hope things go well for you, too.

I feel the same way. I'm 31 now and I had no idea what I wanted to do after highschool, so I just went to college for accounting because I was always good with numbers. But that is not what I really wanted to do. I ended up dropping out in my 3rd year.....I started failing classes and such as you did. I was lucky and got my foot in the door at the company I work for now. I have been here almost 8 years! It sucks and I'm stuck in the corporate world doing a job I don't like because I have to put food on the table. And what makes it worse is that I do the same thing everyday, so I have gained no knowledge in the time I have been here. I have no skill to take anywhere else. I don't make alot of check to pay check and don't have any kids yet either. My friends have all passed me in life and it sucks! Your not the only one out there. The biggest peice of advice I can give is try try try to figure something out bc it gets worse and more depressing the older you get. I ask myself as well...why am I here? I really wonder if I will lead a life to nowhere or if God has something more in store for me???<br />
Good luck!

It isn't fair, is it? I feel like everyone around me is growing up and I'm still the same...I do feel like it's gonna get worse, I do think of what I might do in the future, but I still don't know what to do, it's really frustrating. I hope you get what you want in the forthcoming days, you seem like a nice deserve the best in life, just like everyone else does. No one deserves to suffer in life...if "life is supposed to be a gift", then it should be that way with everybody...I believe that everyone deserves to be happy. And, if it were like that...the world would be a better place. Best of luck to you, darkeyeslost. Thanks for reading my story and for sharing what you go through, as well. 8)