Questions I Need Answered...

It just boggles me how people come and go in ones life. Why is that? I struggle lately to grasp the whole concept of "friends". Relationships are no better. Why do we search and search for that perfect someone. And in the beginning go thru a honeymoon stage, accepting faults and riding on a high that eventually comes down and you realize that person you fell head over heals for isnt really "that person " at all!
Ugh if only I had answers for the things that run thru my head on a daily basis. I often wonder what I did so wrong for karma to come back at me with a huge slap in the face. Is she truely the biggest ***** any of us will ever know?
I made many mistakes in life, perhaps done people wrong a few times. But for the most part have always been a loving, giving, social butterfly. How did my life come to this?
A few weeks ago I sat with a loaded gun thinkin I had nothing to hold on to. Now I realize I was just a coward. Afraid of all this "change". I wasnt lookin for pitty, and I did wanna run away...but kill myself ( really??!!) I seriousely think Ive lost my mind!
My hearts been tangled in one mess after another since my 7 yr relationship ended so tragic. I suppose I felt like I lost ME. I didnt really know where to pick up the peices. I assumed that I was just a princess without a prince ( which I still believe). Alho my heart is right now in shreds...Im so fed up...I ache for the life I once had.
Monday was the sentencing of the man who ripped my world in shreds...hurt the one thing that mattered most to me in life. Stole realality, the innocence...the security..I hate myself for not seeing signs...but applaud myself for handling things well once I became aware. Yet...nightmares follow me in my slumber, and I always feel on edge..with anyone I know. I truely cant find my ground.
Is this the way it will be forever? Am I doomed? 2 yrs have flew by....Ive found msyelf clinging to someone who always promises not to let me down, yet holds me down in place. I know its toxic yet I hang on, let him suck me back in....why!? I dont understand the things I do to myself ...:(
mypapersoul mypapersoul
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 28, 2012

I've been told I expect too much consistency by people though what I expect is they will just actually do what they say... I remember at my father's funeral many years ago (almost 20) people were all too willing to help but when there were a few minor things, they were not available... what's that saying - say what you mean - mean what you say...