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Thoughts Right Before A Mental Breakdown.

I find it incredibly odd that I tend to only find inspiration when I'm on the verge of complete mental breakdown. If I delve further into my brain, do I get complacent because I'm comfortable or because I somehow crave to feel like I do now? I know it doesn't make sense, but why don't I continue to stay driven and motivated when it counts the most? I have to hit a bottom to realize the way I am going through life isn't okay.

I'm terrified of what could possibly come to be. When one of those thoughts start to form in reality, even in a vague form, it turns my life upside down. I can't seem to shake it, like I play out nightmares in my head while I'm awake. Maybe that's why I don't dream. My thoughts are my dreams, and when those thoughts materialize in reality its like I'm living a nightmare. I feed off of situations like this, or rather do they feed on me? Tears come naturally when I get like this, enslaved in my own head.

Feeling's of being cornered, desperation, fear, for lack of better words, the inability to function dependently. I thrive on social acceptance it seems like. As much as I would like to say I don't, I do. Even if by social acceptance I mean one person. I seem to just work so hard to get to that point to where its great, and see that horizon, but stop making any effort to keep climbing to the top. Who in their right mind can just go hard and adamantly for something at 110%, and then halfway there just be like "Okay, this spot is good, I think ill be alright here." It's not alright, its far from alright, why can't I just pick a handful of things I love and never stop holding on with passion and conviction. I can't continue to give up so easy, to go through the motions and be okay with "Well, okay, it was fun while it lasted" or simply chalking it up to bad timing or matter of fact ANY EXCUSE WHATSOEVER. If you make enough excuses, you will find a good one and you will ALWAYS FAIL.

I can't seem to break that burden of what is to come. I yearn for the day that I have all my legal issues behind me and when that day comes, I hope I can take a deep breath and pray to god that i have the determination to go forward with my life. Its sad to see how much doubt and fear has affected me. Right down to the person who means everything to me. I, or we, have never experienced our love outside of this fear. Another thing I yearn to be able to see. I'm losing her, I'm losing what means the most to me. To see all that crash down before that next step in my life is heart wrenching. I never expected it to take this long. This feeling has haunted me for almost exactly two years.

I've been low, but never this low. I'm starting to question my sanity. A thought that three years ago, I would be confident in saying it would never happen to me. How can I be so lackadaisical with something that is so near and dear to my heart? So entwined in love and care for a person. That is the one thing that should not be affected by the strife of everyday life. I'd like to think I'm a very optimistic person, but I'm afraid I am losing that side of me. I drown myself in doubt, my mentality changes at the flick of a switch. I'll be happy and motivated one day, and a setback will boot me back further than I've come. This ever persistent loop of pain is wearing me too thin, I look for help in others eyes but don't express the nature or degree of my sorrows.

Why do I let my fear take hold of my ability to communicate with my best friend, my lover, the one I would die for? I can't simply tell them today was awful and I really need your love right now... I really need you..... Am I embarrassed? I'm suppose to be the strong one, everyday though it turns out with this mentality, our tie to one another just gets weaker and weaker. Until its too late... But what is too late?

I find the term itself very irrelevant in most cases. I see it important for getting to work on time etc. But reproachable when it comes to someones mental state. I strongly believe that if the love and passion for an individual is still at least faintly flickering, it could be recovered and thrive with the right amount of relentless affirmation of truly insurmountable love and affection. I feel this right now, so much so it overwhelms my life and thought process. Indicative to that fact I can't carry out anything without there being a flashing red light in my head if things are bad between us. I will encase myself in these thoughts for hours at a time. Ill get my mind off of it for maybe a few minutes and feel okay, but that moment I come back to reality I am raptured with despair and anxiety to the point I can't function like a person should.

As an American, we have ingrained ourselves with 'Immediate satisfaction,' although its never really even that. I know I'm an impatient person in a lot of ways. I would like to be able to constructively work at what I'm passionate about. Take it step by step, take the setbacks in stride, keep myself motivated, and just simply keep improving. Never let go of what means the most to you. It will be something you regret for the rest of your life. I need to just beat that into my head. Like a mantra of good will and hope. Maybe that will help me continue on.

I need to let go of my pride and be more humble. To come to the conclusion that I cant always be strong and that I do need help. Expressing my feelings is important too. I've tended to always think its the wrong time to tell people how I feel or about my problems. With that mentality i never tell a soul what is wrong with me. To let go of these emotions would have a significant impact on my stress level. Its that mentality that has led me to brooding on grief and acting out in destructive manners, I need to get my head on straight....

May the good times come and last, and pray that they don't become the past....
Tuerd Tuerd 22-25, M Jan 29, 2013

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