What To Do...??I don't know what to write about... I have a lot of things on my mind I don't know exactly what to get out or divulge into..
I've been thinking a lot of how I run around trying to make everyone else happy. I sit here at my parents house day in and day out doing nothing because they don't like my boyfriend, my older sister is a flake who can't care for anything but her life, my little brother is in high school and is just my younger brother. But I think to myself do I really have to be living here? Do I really want to live anywhere else? If I did go stay else where for a while would they stop paying my cell phone bill? Would I loose my opportunity to work as a general manager for my dad? I'm scared all of these things will be yanked and never given a second chance. All my life being the middle child I was raised by my dad and my sister my mom, although my parents were/are married we had worlds of differences in upbringings. My brother is sever years younger so he had them both or how ever he likes to see it as.. Anyways my sister was always able to get away with stuff that to me seemed punishable but just slid by in life off of others likes for her, her "hotness", her ways. She stolen from us and never owns up she takes money she dumps her kids here. She screws over a lot of people but they always seem to be around when she needs/wants them for her benefit. Maybe it was not that she got away with it but more so that she didn't take the punishment seriously.. I'm not like that but recently I'm starting to think that I'm 22 there is so much more to life and I feel bound to my parents I feel they call the shots in my life. Its like **** I've already wasted a year of my life sitting around this house, needing permission, getting in trouble, feeling like I'm grounded. **** I do everything I can for my parents when they need me I'm the first to step up drop my life and go full steam with this new career path with my dad.
But am I tied here till that starts??
I love my bed, the comfort of this house, my privacy. To me there is not anything better than after going out getting back to my bed to go to sleep and even if I stay out I'll leave in the early mornings just to get back to my bed. I feel so uneasy at others places. So yeah I would like to come and go as I please but I'm "under there roof" so I have to abide by there rules. Like fuckk what I have to clean my room before I can go out? Oh they don't know this person so they must not exist? I just don't know..
I'm fine as in a don't cry I don't feel sad but I am sad I am unhappy with the way I look the way I am how I don't have much outsiders around me that have been good people. Yeah anti-depressants keep me from crying and that sad feeling but I think it's still hiding there under neath it all. And I think that ties together to my weight.. It shows how I'm feeling on the inside even though I'm not feeling it on the inside because of the cover ups...?
There are just to many questions and I don't have the confidence to do something about it.