Nobody Knows

The pain of social isolation, of separateness and disharmony, that's how my life has been since I was 10. Sometimes I think that nobody knows what its like to be in mental and spiritual pain for such a long time, but you would be in pain too if you had my early life experiences, or lack thereof. Certain events sent me off into a downward spiral of complete self imposed isolation and a general fear and distrust of other people. Sometimes I think I brought it upon myself, but given the factors that started it and my young age at the time can you blame me? I never had any real support when I was younger. I'm in my early 20's now and I'm still stuck in the mental hell hole that I got into when I was younger. I still have no friends and sometimes I don't see or talk to anyone all day. I just want to connect and to feel harmony with other people. I know you might be thinking "dude, shut the **** up stop feeling sorry for yourself and just get up and go get a life", that's a very typical response I hear people say, but it's just not that easy and people that have been through it know. The cycle of low self esteem and awkwardness, especially starting from a young age makes it very difficult to get out of this condition, to be honest, I simply don't have the mental leverage to do it. I'm starving for connection, for unity and harmony... What is the lesson to be learned of all of this suffering? It eludes me, but it shall come to me at last.
Psychedelia Psychedelia
18-21, M
3 Responses Feb 7, 2013

If the whole world were to get together and share their problems for 20 minutes, there would be no enemies, no wars. I feel you, but such things seem impossible to achieve in such a savage world like this. If it's not happiness, then meaning will come your way, a reason for your life. I hope you the best, but you gottta fight the fight of life.

This words so well how ive always been too. I'm not just saying this to you. From a young age, I isolated myself when my parents separated and developed serious mental health problems, was a loner. One day, I decided to fight my low self-worth and go out to bars, and parties anyway, to try and socialize. I'm 20 years old now and sadly realised that you can be surrounded by people, yet you will still always feel alone in your own mind. I feel like we could be on the same wavelength, give it a go talking to me and we will see :)

I feel the same way you are not the only one, I have not been able to make real friends in a very long time and i have not had a girlfriend ever. It is the worst feeling ever to be so disconnected and see other people laughing and smiling and just living in this harmonious way, seemingly oblivious to people like you and me. When we do come in contact with "regular" people they see as weirdos or losers, and dont want to have anything to do with us, but sometime we gotta take chances even if it hurts to try and break out of our shells cause one day when we are on our death beds we will regret not trying. course this is easier said than done, But we have to. Hope this helps a little, whatever happens know that somebody cared enough to read your story and respond. Good luck to you, best wishes.

Your completely right saying we have to try. I have tried to "break out" a handful of times and even though I may have been able to fake it for a year or 2, it always ended with some major catalytic event of rejection and humiliation which lead to another episode of withdrawal and isolation. i tell you that is the most painful thing to experience over and over. but im going to try again really soon and just embrace the pain.

another thing ill tell you - since going out and trying to socialize, everyone at this gathering apparently reffered to me as "the random weird girl". And yes I winced and hid under my duvet for days, but when I emerged I felt stronger, and put on a solid protective barrier, saying "**** them." and I turned it around into a compliment. Its not easy, though...
I met a guy, a really cool guy with many friends, down to earth and liked by many people and started to see him. He agreed for us to go out, and because it seemed to good to be true, I kept on running away. I destroyed it before it could progress because I didnt want to build something up ust for it to be torn down again like it normally does. So I destroyed what could have been my chance at being involved in the human race, being happy and confident. Because I was afraid of the pain I have suffered so many times before. Its not nice being like this, but there is thousands like us.