This Is Why I'm InsecureHow can I not be when I actually have others tell me that they think I am, or used to. One co-worker told me a couple months ago, at his going away party, that when he first met me he thought I was "really ****** weird." Then he proceeded to tell me how as he got to know me he realized I'm one of the coolest people he's ever known. To him the lesson he learned was not to judge a book by its cover. Great, I'm a freakin Aesop's Fable now. At the time I felt insulted, but also strangely flattered. I've always suspected that people maybe think I'm a bit odd, weird, eccentric, whatever. Hearing him say so in an affectionate way was validating in a way.
Today another co-worker told me how he thought I was "retarted" when he first met me because I "talked about nothing. [I] just kept talking and talking about nothing that meant anything."
Hearing this sort of thing is getting old. I get it that weird can be a good thing, meaning along the same lines as unique, or special. But at a certain point we have to remember that if you're too special, you ride the short bus. I guess hearing the "retard" comment hurt a bit more than the first one, though the first one hurt too. It hurt particularly because I think I'm interesting to listen to; I like to think that what I have to say is mostly interesting, and worthwhile to others.
I know he likes me. I know both of the people who've told me these things like me a lot--which is partly why they feel like they can even say such things. I don't doubt that they like me.
The problem is that I feel like enough of a social misfit as it is already. I already feel like I'm bound to have a much harder time finding one of those uniquely compatible women (a soul mate of sorts) for me, without feeling like it'll be that much harder because I'm now officially "retarded" and "weird."
Would it be appropriate to put such things in my dating profile over on PlentyofFish.com? Maybe I could word it in an appealing way: "I'm weird, but fun to be around."
Then again, I have to remember that the kid who said the "retard" comment is only 21 (?), and more than a little unique himself. Out of the blue today he just undid his belt and dropped his shorts. He had on boxers underneath, but still. ODD. I wouldn't have ever done such a thing; at least not without a lot of alcohol in me.
But maybe that makes it sting too: that someone as weird as him would have the nerve to say that I'm a "retard." Or that he thought I was at first.
When I've tried determining exactly what it is that leads others to label me as "weird" I've been told that I just "come off a bit strong at first." I take it that means I come on VERY strong at first. I don't really know what that means.
It worries me because I fear that potential opportunities will be denied me because I'm "weird." Maybe I won't get that job I want; maybe that special girl will turn down my date invite; maybe I'll end up 43-years old, still living with my parents, with such a deficit of social skills that there's absolutely zero hope of ever altering the situation. I don't want to be that guy.
I try to remember that being "weird" and having others beat me over the head with the reality of it is potentially a comedic gold mine. After all, that's what I want to do: make people laugh. More than anything I enjoy causing laughter in others. I'd do just about anything if it got a laugh out of others.
I hate feeling alone; cast off; unliked; different; left out. Maybe it's my age. Maybe that's why the guys are much more comfortable going out on the town together--and not inviting me. Or maybe they can tell that I don't really want to go out on the town. I'm not a huge drinker. Once in a while I like to go out and get completely intoxicated, but that's a rare occasion. I fear that they don't invite me because I'm weird to them--the kind of person you consider a friend but don't tell anyone else you like for fear what they'd think of you.
Yes, I am insecure. I know that. But it's awfully hard not to be when people tell you you're weird, retarded, or whatever. After I hear such things it seems like my other fears are that much more likely.
I try to be positive and think that whatever it is that causes others to say that I'm "weird" is actually a good thing because it'll be a major factor in my success as a writer and comedian; but I'm still worried about finding a woman who loves every last "weird" thing about me.