I've spent most of my time here when my aunt is staying with my family for a month. She lives in Japan and travel to Thailand once a year but I've been spending most of my time here because I think it's more fun to be on Q&A. My aunt Lulu doesn't give me any space or alone time unless I'm in the restroom or taking a shower, she sleeps in my room for the whole month she's visiting. No space and time alone because I've never gone out alone ever, unless on rare occasions my parent would allow me to.

I had a lot if friends back in university and some friends in high school whom never contact me first. Unless they think about me, but they'll meet each other often. I'm just not a good company to anyone. If my friends invited other people whom I never met to a party or dinner or lunch I'll hate it and wanted to flee. When I say party I meant at my house on Christmas for a few times during the four years in university. Other than that I just don't like going out at all. Unless for lunch or shopping.

I'll treat those I love or like very well I'll buy gifts for them. I never say no to them when they asked for a favor. But if it's someone I dislike I'll try to avoid them. I don't mind if others use me if I wanted those people in my life I'll do anything for them. Most of my friends left anyway because when I'd gone through a short period of paranoia, hallucination and sunk into depression they're all shocked and find me annoying.

I can't approach those I find attractive men and women alike. I'll avoid them or ostracize them while in a group. When I see these people on the street I'll even walk on another path of the way just to avoid getting close to them. I feel so nervous I get so angry at times I just wanted to punch their face but I never did.

Without my parent's support I wouldn't be able to survive. I'm just a loser, who has opportunities but could never use it.

I tried countless methods to erase these fears even stupid ones to view those people as mere objects. Be extremely rude to them and all and use anger to hide. Now I'm used to it and can't get out of the mess I've built.
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Aug 18, 2014