"Looking Back At The World From A Different Perspective.."

Starting since I was a kid...
I've always seen things from a deep perspective. I questioned everything, and it all began from a little thing like talkin' back as a child, but if you think about it; it’s good that a kid is not that gullible. Oh but that's nothing, as I got older I've went downhill. As a 5 year old, I remember how I usually kept staring at things wondering why they're there. I would lie down and think: how did I get here? out of all the time periods. Is there such a thing as reincarnation? What makes us so unique, and why can’t we except ourselves? Where did i come from and get here out of all the cosmos out there? Then I'd get dizzy and started getting serious migraines. Maybe I really did think too much for a little head I had.
I was never the typical girl. Now that I think about it, I seemed to always keep it real. Even taking it back to the dollhouse my cousin passed down to me, with the Barbie dolls. See, a typical girl would just play with them all friendly "do you want some tea, hehe." whereas I was making them have conflict with each other because that how life really is. Or could it be that I was reflecting what I saw.
I was never into those princess stories, I despise Disney because none of that shxt was ever true. It’s all pure bullshxt. I don’t understand how a lot of these girls feed into this shxt. Or maybe that was because I was never appreciated as much as these bxtches were. I ain’t never sit and just wait on a prince to "rescue me." At 5, I already thought that was stupid and frivolous. It’s gon take too damn long for that, and he's probably ran into some "distractions" like every men I seen in my life who would take advantage of any willing legs to open.
I have already got to the conclusion that there was no such thing as real commitment. There is no love. It’s all a hollow heart: you only see what’s on the outside. Yet, you feel empty because there is no love filled up inside; and cold, there is nobody giving you warmth unless it is the breath of your own gasps from the nightmares you still have. Nobody is going to care. That’s how I looked at it. Perhaps, because I was raised by a single mother, I never had that reliability with any males to guard me. Everything that came in my way; I've defeated on my own. What else was there to do. What’s the point of "pretending" there is a prince somewhere and I live in a "castle." When I saw nobody trying help us and we just lived in an apartment. When there were men around, they'd stick around or a while, then leave and never come back. Mama' cried every time, I didn’t know what to do. How is it "new" to her but "played out" to me? She is older than me. She has seen way more darker days than I have because she’s lived more days. Maybe it is not the number of days lived; but the dark ones. It is the way we react to things, whether or not we decode them. I analyzed every detail of everything that I encountered; like listening diligently in the middle of a jungle, making sure your hearing the right sounds. One strange growl means something ain’t right, and you must act quickly. I've already picked up this extinct naturally. That "vibe" I always get with people is equivalent to an animal's extinct in the jungle. Struggle for survival, and wisdom is vital. You got to know your enemy.
Those men Mama' dated, I knew right off the bat that they didn’t want to deal with me. I knew that despite how much of a hard time I'd give him, a real man would understand why a heartbroken kid is like that. I have been ****** in the head plenty of times; putting the bullshit words he said to us. I came to the hypothesis that: "if he is what he says he is, then we'll see how much reality he can with stand, money and gifts don’t count, what I really want is loyalty and honesty.  I’m experiment how much of that you have. You will be eliminated for having loyalty as a "limiting reactant." you shall blow up GONE, metaphorically." I did give them the stink eye because I already knew what was about to go down. It was just already so predictable. Then again, I am a fast learner. By the most part, the first time I see something. Bam! I got it: All written across my thought clouds. I have accurate memory and vivid intuition.
 
 
I have wider range of wisdom I never in my life have I thought I'd have. Around Eleven I was getting a bit ignorant. Thirteen I was more concerned with "having fun.” I did dumb things to get the little itty bit of attention from my new people of my extended family back then. That was the only time I could remember to have felt such family closure even though we weren’t blood. To me, blood is equivalent to water: my theory, if you pour a drop of blood in a glass of water, it may look separated, but eventually it will gradually dissolve with the water. Only oil can accomplish to maintain this void. Along with drinking which I was already introduced to seeing my dad doing it. However, at thirteen I got the pressure from a piece of **** mother ******, identity withheld, who tried to take advantage of me, to take a gulp. Not only were his intentions insulting but the fact that he actually thought I was that stupid to fall for it. I knew what to do. I saw it in my dreams and I couldn’t believe it because I had loved this man more than my own biological father.
Last year, I was 15, had my first kiss which was also a make out: never had a peck in my life unless you were Mama'. I began smoking weed, drinking that hard liquor: Dry gin and juice to soothe the anxiety in the basement every time I got depressed, with the beat of 90s Hip Hop music banging from the speakers or headphones to my chest. UV blue raspberry vodka I stole a few drinks from my friend's cousin I almost fought with that night. It was already strike 3 with that. (haha she does not like me) She was pretty uptight, whereas I was laid back. She’s just jealous that, the man she kept desperately shaking her *** to, wanted me. Honestly, I was quite surprised but I didn’t like him that way.
Anyway, at this point I didn’t give a **** about anything. I looked around the environment I was living in. Supported by a 90s underground Hip Hop group, Onyx, I thought... **** IT ! This is what I was meant to be. I slacked off, dozing off of life. I wanted to live through my fantasies forever; I thought I'd deserve it as reparation for all the **** I had to put up with my whole life. The myth of 'getting high' lurked into my brain. So I started crumbling the herb, hitting the lighter, blowing that haze/hash essence in to my body, and smoke billowing into my room's ceiling. I liked chillin’ on my own and lie on my bed looking at the turquoise Atlantic blue walls of my room. Dreaming... Cookie dough tasted SO good: it was like peanut butter with cold M&Ms melting. Does that make sense? Can M&Ms be cold and melt? I may have been a slight of a pothead, but I wasn’t that stupid and dependent on it. I saw through everything still: The guys who tried to relax me with this herb so they get an easier way to unbutton my clothes. I was a pebble away from falling off that cliff.
 
Now...
I am only 16 years old, and I’m already looking at things from a different perspective. I no longer smoke or drink. I've found some strong reasons to let this go: Body bags with chopped up parts and stankin' flesh arrived at its family's home. How gruesome that was.
The reoccurring nightmares of my little brothers caught up in crossfire because of my fault haunted me. The devil was creepin’ me; attracted to my potential wrath, until I asked for Jehovah's forgiveness and guidance. I felt stupid and ignorant. Around Thanksgiving of 2011 I prayed for hours while folks were eating downstairs. I had so much to say. I preached. Everything I said came from the heart. For a while now, I’ve been praying for wisdom and here it is: Energetic ambition to learn, and make something of myself. My creativity flourished more than I could ever possibly imagine. Now I continue to have conversations with him. I feel his presence. I feel the spirit in me. These wise words I speak are possibly as similar to the prophet Jeremiah of the Bible.  (Jeremias 1:9) "Entonces Yave' extendio' su mano y me toco' la boca, diciendome; "En este momento pongo mis palabras en tu boca..."    Excuse me for that. My Bible is in Spanish, but it’s basically saying that Jehovah extended his hand and held his mouth and said "In this moment I shall put my words in your mouth."
Now the nightmares I used to have of defeat, getting violently beaten under submission, war, nearly killed, running away have converted into having this positive light surrounding me like some kind of protective orb or shield using this power for good. I finally have enough strength, faith, and caliber to fight against those who brought hell into my early life. At the same time I prefer to stay cool, and leave it in God's hands. Just relax in the remaining time I have left on this Earth. The temptations no longer faze me. That "vibe" recognizes the routes to evil, guiding me to the right path. I see it clearly now. Now when I get out of here and be successful, I want to help others, lift them up from the cliff that could have drowned them. Spreading truth to the youth before it is too late. Just like Reymundo Sanchez’s books did.
I must do this. It is in my heart. There have been many blessings Jehovah has revived my Soul with. The one thing I always wanted: Love. He brought people into my life that mean a lot to me. In return I’ll give him my full appreciation and loyalty. It’s as if I was falling down an abyss but all of a sudden I grew wings.
Or I was giving the ability to fly with broken wings? With my knowledge I will prove people wrong. Their stereotypes and doubts will be shot back at them like a ricocheting bullet. I know who I am. Now staring through my rear view, I can see I've come a long way. It is almost a miracle. I am so thankful.
MeAgainstDaWorld MeAgainstDaWorld
18-21, F
1 Response May 13, 2012

..:Wow..I just say wow... <br />
You seems like me just until the end there is a twist, but I like it. I don't what you to be me but I can relate back to my self...<br />
I was born and raised in the company of Jehovah...I was never satisfied with that relationship but I do not judge people who want to accompany Jehovah nor do I want to "cast the first stone". There is a path for everyone, for those any cult or religion is the right path..<br />
My story began at school, and developed at school, continued after school, it scarred me for life. And I too question and analyze everything to its bare fragment. Always the question"why" and "what if", I have gained great wisdom from my experience and logical thinking also the gift of seeing in 3d while others see 2d... I see the depth to their behavior, and most of them doesn't like what I see, most of them denies it... So it is difficult to gain a strong and wide populated society of friends, I have have few, some who I know I can share my every experiences with... That gives me strength to endure when depression comes back creeping...During teens I closed my door to the outside world for some years, tried everything to set my mind at ease...To find inner peace...It was on that path that later became me... I do not wish that I would be raised differently or long for another upbringing and fate, 'cuz it is that, that later formed me, I do not think I wouldn't be the same if I hadn't had that experience//HTH83 SWE

ohh interesting.. me too.. my number of friends has condensed.. i know where your comin from... i found knowledge mainly on my own. it may be hard but its rewarding.. thanks for the comment.. im surprised you read ALL that lol.. people dont seem to read nowadays...

... Of course it was very interesting... I like people who has had it tough and got back up, that a sign of strength, and I value that more than the quantity of friends... I rather has a number of quality friends that a quantity of friends...Cheers!//HTH83

well thank you!