This Week, What A Week!

This week has been very eventful and life changing. I'm judging myself more and the people around me. I always questioned my sexually, it this week made me think of it a little deeper. This week showed me a new life, a new way of living. It's a very fun life, but very lonely. A pathway full of thoughts, unanswered text, and waiting for something to happen again. I don't know if I would have a another week like this, but I hope I do.
I started to used the app Grindr, its a app where gay people can meet. Well I meet this one guy, he messaged me saying he was looking to give blow jobs, to hook up. I couldn't pass this opportunity of might having sex for the first time. People said it needs to be special, and with the special someone. Well, to those who lost it, they thought the person who took their virginity was special at that time. So tonight, this guy will be my special someone. Like one of favorite television stated "Every time is the first time when you are doing it with someone special and love." So, technically I won't lose my virginity. Back to the story, we hooked up in his apartment. He was 30 years old, in the navy, really tall, a ginger, and had a huge **** (nine inches). He was very experience, and showed me the ropes. He was gentle and he made me feel comfortable. He was my prince charming. He was my first kiss! We did the whole thing, and it felt painful but enjoyable. We didn't used a condom, i was worried, but I didn't want to be a mood killer. But, I regret not wearing a condom, I want to be safe! I was in his apartment for three hours. He make up, had sex, cuddle, watch TV, shower together, and did it again. He drop me home and it was a magical night!
Well, navy guy wasn't the only guy I was talking to. i was talking to this guy, he was 21, white, and i wanted to meet him. He was really cute. So, I message him all day on Monday. At night he said he'll pick me up and hang out, code word for hook up. We meet at a parking lot of this restaurant next to my house. First, we talked, than it turned to making out, to he giving me a blow job. I said lets go to a more private place, a place far away from my house. He drove out of the parking lot, and were heading to the mall. While we were going there, I start to play with this penis. I start to touch it, than gave him a blow job while he was driving. His penis was about seven, but it was thick. We went to this empty mall parking lot. We looked for the perfect place. We started to *****, making out, doing foreplay in the back of his jeep. Than, he would put his penis in me. Without a condom again, at that time I didn't care about it. His penis was deep in me. He was more aggressive than Navy man. When it hurt, i pull him back, but he kept pushing in. Than, the security pass the car, he stopped, and start to put his clothes back and when to the driver seat and start to drive. He told to me to put my clothes back on. We were heading to another mall. We went to the parking lot and did the same thing. He was more aggressive and it really hurt. He wanted me to ***, he started to give me a blow job. I came, when he was about to his penis in me, a security came by. He put on his clothes and went to the driver seat. I hid in the shadows. The security asked him what was he doing. He just drove away. Then, we went to this park near the beach. He started to **** behind a tree in the dark.He started to get into it, and start to get more aggressive, but than a human figure appeared in the dark from a distance. I stood up and put my pants again and walked away. He never came yet, and the plan of coming in me was out the question since we run of spots. So, I just suck him off in the parking lot we started off with. After that I just walked home. He was very aggressive, but I like that. He took command of me, and he wasn't open to discussion. He did a couple of weird thing: one he drank my urine when I urinated in the brushes, well, just one thing.
Tuesday and Wednesday
For these days, I try to text Navy if we can hang out again, but most of the time he didn't answer, or he will say he is really busy, which I can believe. I texted aggressive to ask when can we meet, but he said he doesn't know but will let me know. I also started talking to this other boy, he was a bottom and we have a lot in common, we went to the same high school. This got to me, am I a ****, a man *****. I wanted to have sex, and for the days I wanted only sex. Maybe, it wasn't the sex, but the company of people, the affection is what I needed. But the unanswered text made me feel like I wasn't good enough, that I was took easy and like a old toy, all used up and they are sick of me. I was paranoid that they didn't like as much as i like them, the story of my life right there. But, I had to think, they have their own life before me, and I had my old life before them too, but my life wasn't that exciting compare to now. I was worried that my life ha no meaning, no depth, no purpose. The unanswered text made me spin into a world of madness.
All day i texted a new guy, the guy from my high school. He was older than me, he graduated two before me. he was a bottom and he was filipino, like me. He picked me up, and we started to just talk. He's really cute, and I can tell he knows himself very well. he's in the army, and he was experience. We started to talk about our life. I wanted to make out with him, but he said that he just doesn't want to **** anyone. That made me think he didnt want to do anything. Like the other guys, he had his own life before me, a ex relationship, boys tiring to get him. I had to compete with other guys to get him. To me he was very special, he wasn't just another booty like the others, he had substance! I think I was falling for him, but in the back of my mind I thought he wasnt interested in. He drop me off, but I didnt kiss him, I wanted to and i should have.
I texted the three guys, only Army answered, but not really answered. He was too busy to meet up today, and Navy never answered. I was sad and felt alone again in the world. I was back to my old boring life. The pass nights were one of the best nights of my life. I didn't want it to end, but I guess its fading.

This week i experienced a lot things, events that I through i will experience when I'm 21. I dont regret any decision I made, I have to live with it and Im satisfied with it. I hope everything will workout. I dont want to be another booty call, but its so fun to be one. I am in the state mind of confusion. I never experience anything like this. The worse part is I have no one I can talk to this to. I am still in the closet and I don't want to come to my family and my friends, I am not ready yet.
I just going every day minute by hour. I hope I can get my state together and pull myself up form this unknown place.
Any Advice?
Swirlyrence Swirlyrence
18-21, M
Sep 22, 2012