I'm About To Just Give Up

To most people I seem like one of the happiest people, but I'm not. I've considered suicide for a very long time. One of the main reasons I have been thinking about it is also the reason I can't do it. My mother left me in my grandparents care for the first half of my life. 7 years ago she decided to come back. Right before I started my high school life she was hospitalized for 18 weeks. When she came out she couldn't walk or stand. She's been bedridden for 6 years. I'm the youngest child at 20 year old, and I'm the one that helps her. It causes so much stress and has caused me to grow up so fast. My two half brothers(different fathers, same mom) seem to just not care what happens to her. I've told her that I have considered suicide before and she was completely understanding. She apologizes to me almost everyday, and that just makes me even more depressed. Growing up I never really had friends and when I started wanting to be in a relationship with one of my closest friends, she said yes to me. It made me so happy to be dating her because she has been in my entire life. We grew up together, she was my BEST friend in the world. About 3 years ago she broke up with me over a text message. It crushed me. I asked her why she broke up with me and to this day she has not given me an answer. I see her almost everday and I wave at her and she just smiles and keeps walking. It crushes me because I can't get myself to talk to her or any other girl. I want things to change for the good; in every way; but I don't know if its going to happen while I'm living.
18-21, M
Aug 11, 2012