Tylonal Pm (please Read!!!!)

Im sure I sound like a million different ppl u all have heard but, SUICIDE IS NEVER THE WAY!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE READ MY STORY AND I HOPE IT CAN HELP AT LEAST ONE PERSON. I came home from the hospital about 3 hours ago and it starts like this.... I an 23 years old/female and have struggled with depression and anxiety from the age of 12. I was sexually abused as a child by multipule family members including my own father. i have always struggled with my identity and feeling that others didnt love me and i never loved myself very much either. I have gone thru many drug addictions since about the age of 17. Cocaine, xanax, alcohol, meth, and the most recent, heroin which i did for about a year and have been clean 7 weeks now. So Wed night i drank almost a whole bottle of wine (alcohol and i have never gotten along well) and got into a horrible fight with my mother and step father, who i live with since breaking up with my year long bf 7 weeks ago. I tried calling ALL my friends to come get before things got worse but no one could come not even my best friend and i felt crushed! So my mother ended up slapping me (which i deserved) and my step father threw me out of the house. this was about 3am. since no one would come get me, i just walked and walked until about 7am. while walking i was on a main road and went across a highway overpass, i just sat there looking down thinking how sorry my parents would be for being mean to me if i just jumped. didnt do it. went home showered and slept until about 1230 pm. my mothe woke me up by coming in my room and throwing a box of trash bags on the floor and saying "heres your luggage pack your **** and get out of my house". my step dad was at work and my mother and i had an all out screaming competition. i felt like she didnt love me anymore and told her that i wanted to die. i went in the bathroom and took about 15-20 tylonal pm, thinking it would be the best way to go. my mother called a suicide hotline and tried to get me to talk to the woman, i didnt want to. she called my gma who means soooo much to me, i told gma i didnt want to live anymore and that i loved her and then hung up. last she called my step dad who told me i need to get out and be in the sun and take a walk and just try to see the beauty in life, i told him i loved him and hung up. right then i started feeling the effects of the tylonal. my tongue and fingers wents numb and i felt like i might pass out. i guess at that point i realized i was just doing for attention and didnt actually want to die. i went into a panic, making myself throw up thinking that would make it all better. then i told my mother waht i did and asked her to please call an ambulance bc i think im going to die, she said "well isnt that what u wanted". ****** up right? so she told me to keep making myself throw up and i did until i wasnt throwin up the blue **** anymore but i knew i might still die if i didnt go to the hospital. so i begged her to call 911. i met a police man downstairs, told him what happened and he said "your 23 girl, u got ur whole life ahead of you" i asked him if i was going to be ok, he said i would. when i got in the ambulance tho, they were not so reasurring. the man told me i could have severe permanent liver damage and said he didnt know if i would be ok. the woman said i could die in two weeks from the damage. they did not know if i was going to be ok. i chug charcole on the way to the hospital. get there and they hook me up with IVs. i dont remember everything they did but i layed with my eyes closed after everyone left me alone( i went to the hospital alone and didnt know if i would ever get to see my mother again) i felt awful for the way i had treated her and just wanted her there to tell her i was sorry. i dosed off for a few minutes and woke up to a touch on my arm, it was my mom. i told her i was so so sorry through a waterfall of tears and she said she was sorry too. she stayed with me the rest of the time i was there which was about 3 days. during my stay at the hospital i had alot of time to think, and this was the second time in 1 1/2 yrs being hospitalized for a suicide attempt, and all i could think about was how much i would be hurting all the ppl who loved me that i would leave behind. and I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE, THERE IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU!!! IF YOU DONT THINK ANYONE DOES, GUESS WHAT? I LOVE YOU!!!! Bc i know exactly how you feel!!! and trust me there is always a light after the dark. no u may not be happy every single day but without sadness we would not know what happy is. and ur life will not always be perfect bc no ones life is perfect, i dont care how rich, beautiful, or famous u are, everyone has ****** days. i have a completley new look on life now and i cannot wait to make the best of it!! i start a new job on tues and plan to go to school to become a nurse so i can share my love with ppl who are sick, physically and mentally. i have never been a stronge believer in god or anything like that but i believe this was his plan for me. and just know he puts you through these hard times bc he knows that you are stronge. So if u feel like you want to die just please please reconsider and think not about hurting yourself but who else u will hurt. like i said you are stronge so do not take the easy way out. live a life to help others, jst do whatever you have to do to feel better please!!! If anyone ever needs to talk please please contact me on here and i will do WHATEVER i can to help you!! and just know that god loves you and so do i!!!!!!! *BIG HUGS*

staystrong123 staystrong123
1 Response Sep 15, 2012

That was quite a story. I'm glad you made it. I'm glad you have people who love you and you now realize it. I have dark thoughts all the time. They are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. I am no threat to anyone but myself however. I try very hard to do the things I should; the things I know might eventually break me away from these thoughts. This is the first time in my life that I'm very aware of the different sides we have. I feel like a side of me that has been so very small and insignificant is now winning control over me. Part of me wants to die, I know that; but part of me wants to live too. It's a constant struggle for me of late.....I know I have people who love me.....I know how much they would hurt if I killed myself. Yet I still want to. My life is empty. I feel so alone every day. I read the bible sometimes...prey for help.....yet I still struggle. So tired of being alone. At first it seemed to be an adventure of sorts a man versus the world and all it's evils, standing alone. After a time you begin to realize there is no true happiness to be had by yourself....even a beautiful sunrise or sunset begins to be nothing more than a jumble of colors when you only share it with yourself. I'm glad you made it...I am. You are young bet have gained wisdom through your experience. I'm older, I should have the wisdom to see me through this and I'm not sure that I do. Everything dies............why is it so important as to when and how..........

I'm really sorry you feel so bad...I hope you have come out of your lonely feeling...3 yrs since this post...hoping you have a positive update....