It's Decided, I Made Up My Mind

There's a river a few miles away from my house, I already wrote the suicide note. I dont know how to swim, I am gonna drink a lot of alcohol and then throw myself off the bridge. I have no friends, only my family will feel the devastation of my death, but they will overcome by the time. I can't cope with depression and addiction anymore, psychiatrists can't help me, i am a lost cause. Finally I am gonna get peace. I can't wait the time to end my disgraced life.
rikkbb rikkbb
26-30, M
5 Responses Dec 4, 2012

I don't have anything profound to say to you. But I hear you. And I see you. I want you to know that I have read the words that you wrote and that a connection has been made. You are not alone.

What a coincidence! When I was thinking of suicide I was also planning to throw myself off a bridge ... a very big bridge over a wide deep river: the Walt Whitman Bridge over the Delaware River. There is absolutely no chance of survival. It would be like jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge or the George Washington Bridge like that Rutgers college student did after his roommate posted pictures of him having sex.

Well, needless to say, I did not throw myself off the bridge yet. Lately I'm thinking about jumping off a very tall building ... a skyscraper. It's much messier, and that I find appealing. On the other hand I might hit an innocent person down below, and I wouldn't want that to happen.

I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't make the comment that if that is your photo, I think you are rather attractive. Kinda hot and sexy actually.

Thanx for the "hot and sexy"

Buttercup678. Sorry to hear about your illness and confinement to a wheelchair.
But you are so young and sound intelligent and strong, I wish you the best of luck
And hope you get back on your feet one day. I know you can do it.

Go to your local boxing gym..and get punching... get all that aggression out of your system...your in your 20's your not an old timer yet..Christ if I was stuck in my room all day I would probably feel depressed too.. You may feel alone but you can go somewhere like a gym where there are lots of people around you..then you can be aggressive..get angry with your condition...try to get in touch with local social services..see what's availeable in your area, paintball,karate,painting..anything..learn to swim..rock climbing..you must want help otherwise you wouldn't be posting here..

I know you've had this problem for years..but you realize that and can talk about your problem..so you can control it or at least try something that may help..You do need help..just cause what you tried up until now didn't work does not mean there is no hope, far from it.. Also all the drugs,addictions,gambling made things worse..but you know that now..so start moving in the right direction..your clever..you know better than anyone about how how you feel ..if you have to concentrate on a task, either work, making a jigsaw puzzle, wrestling,chess anything..then your thinking about the task at hand and not yourself..and that is an improvement..so please could you try that..? I am not trying to insult you..I am just saying your thoughts are causing the depression..so if you have something else to keep your mind occupied surely it could help.


just step by step..little by little..You can do it man..

I can't go out cause I am too ugly, nearly deformed, people mock me, laugh at me, it's a hell, people staring me as though I am a monster. To go out? Out of question

I know what you mean. I'm ugly too. I hate it how people patronize me and always act condescending to me.

Hmm, you say you're ugly but I don't get that from your picture. Is that you? You look completely normal.

It sounds to me like you are suffering from distorted thinking, which is common in depressed people. You probably need cognitive therapy, and very likely meds also. I've been the same way myself, more than once.

Hey man,

How are you..don't do it. No friends..? Who says.. You look at your photo..you look like a big strong man, in the prime of his life. Why end it now? I am sure you are great guy and we could share a laugh.
Hey I'll be your friend. You are totally wrong, your family will NEVER get over it.. They will be the ones left behind.. Your mother carried you around in her womb for 9 months..your parents raised you..your life is not worthless..it's just you are in a bind right now and can't see it.. Plan a trip somewhere or try to get out of your environment..what have you got to lose..if your gonna kill yourself..nothing exactly..so try something,anything..

If you can summon the energy to take your own life then you can use that energy to change..their are some amazing posts on here from people who have had real tragedy in their life..death is final.it's not your time..death will come to all of us eventually..for now you are here to live my friend..so choose to live..talk to people who have gone through similar experiences, this site is a good start..
Things will get better..and now that I'm your friend I won't let you kill yourself..so there!.

I agree with everything tokyotrader said...It is NOT Your time yet...Your family will be devastated whether you believe so or not. Although Death seems like the perfect solution when we cannot handle life any longer, we have GOT To pull all of our strength together and keep on going. Theres ALWAYS better things ahead, we just have to be patient until we get there. I too have been on the brink of committing suicide, and each time it happens, I go away on a trip outside of my normal routine. Go get on a plane and fly somewhere you've never been..eat food youve never eaten..see that amazing waterfall or mountains that you've always wanted to see. Do SOMETHING. It will get better..Hangin there and never give up. things could always be worse.

To both of you. I battle depression since when I was a child, I was always alone and isolated. I've been through hell all my life, it's been 16 years suffering from this illness with a bunch of failed treatments, there's no cure for me. I don't work, live with my parents, I am 29 yo, stay home all day in lying in my bed waiting for death to take me away. I am tired, I have no strenght to carry on, the pain is so hard, I cry everyday. It would be selfish of my family keeping me alive to make them happy, what about my pain and suffering, dont they count? It's easy to give advices when you are out of the hole...

rikbb, I'm definitely not out of the hole myself...But I try to give advice to others, as well to myself. I'm incredibly sorry that you have been going through this for so long. I have battled depression since I was 15 years old, going through periods where I'm "okay" and others where I'm not. I've been raped, dated raped, and now I've been chronically ill and disabled for the past 2 years because of a medicine I took and Im only 23 years old. I was in a wheelchair for a year and also left with debilitating brain fog and hormone issues. .Ive lost all my friends, all my relationships, all my independence, etc. I think about dying every day. .BUt we have got to be strong. Something has to happen some day to break us out of this and we can be "okay" again. I doubt Ill ever feel happy again or able to carry on with a normal life, but we can't give up. I'm so sorry about your pain and suffering. Message me if you need someone to talk with.