Death Angel

When everything is bittersweet it's like nothing can be right in this world. Every time I analyze my past I come up with a royal flush in the failure department. Nothing I can ever do will make it right. I have no longer hoped for life. I just was a robot that breathed and that moved trying to get through to another day. My music was nothing but about death and dying. It was around me all the time. I almost feel like it's my destiny to be alone while I watch everyone else around me die. Yet I find I have not the strength for it nor the heart. I feel lost in so many ways that can't be explained. I tried to end it my life more times than most can understand and that was before my little angels. I tried with alcohol, pills, starving myself it did no good I tried for almost 2 yrs, got nothing at all, no pain,no hangover. Not until I put the knife blade to my throat did I realize I still had a reason to live which is my kids. They need me more than I need to end my life. I find myself asking am I worth it? Is it the right choice? everyday of my life. I feel nothing yet everything. I get happy then the happy thoughts go away and it becomes a never ending spiral of pain and suffering. The idea of ending myself was so pleasant of a thought. I always thought I would wait until my children grew enough to handle the world on their own and then I realize they will always need me. Yet the one person I always wanted a relationship with has thrown that option all away all she ever does is point out how horrible of a person I am. How I don't do enough for anyone or anything. Nothing I do is good enough. I swear I keep a lot of the pain hidden there is only one person who totally understands the entire disaster my life has become all because someone puts me down all the time. That's why I am such a fighter that's why I am still alive. I gotta prove the world wrong. This is so hard for me to actually write. it's the first time I have ever felt this way in my life. I hate it but I have no choice in this matter it's gotta get out of my head it's gotta end somehow somewhere. I put down the bottle for a reason. It's to live. I don't live for my myself in fact I hate myself because I feel like I make a mess of everyone else's. it's like I finally realized that i will never be good enough for anyone or anything. It's just so weird to finally come to terms with this f act. I have never felt more loved my someone than I do now however I wonder is it enough to rid myself of pain, knowing that one day in the near future he will die. I wonder if he will be the last straw for me. I am no longer than blonde haired innocent, rather I am dark haired and well aware of the pain of losing someone who brings you to life. The nightmares don't end they just get worse. I wake up swinging. I wake up wide awake right after a dead sleep. I wake up wondering is this the day. I hate feeling that way because my whole entire being says stay. I have finally found the one person who I will share the remainder of my life with after he is gone there will be no others because no one will him. No one will see the pain behind my eyes no one will see how lonely I truly am without him in my life. He has brought me back from the brink I wonder who will be there to bring me back from the brink next time or if it's easier to end it when his life ends, but I know my destiny is going to be alone. I always have been a loner yet I am a social butterfly. Butterfly for that is what I am. I grow weary of the world, I feel out of place like I have nothing to lose yet I really have something to lose. Everyone does in one way or another. I love him without a doubt. I love him like I will love no other. He is my one and only. I don't know why I feel an impending loss I just do. My life has been cut short from day one. I never really had a chance of a long happy life. It's just getting through the day that matters that's why I keep my head up and I focus on music. take it easy I will update this later so check back. Life is hard not gonna lie but I am still here, my hearts still beating strong.
kitkat1989 kitkat1989
22-25, F
3 Responses Dec 10, 2012

Sounds like things are really tough for you. How were things when you were young, what was it like when you were growing up?

Everything about my life has been bittersweet. I put up with a lot of verbal and physiological abuse for as long as I can remember. Although I had happy points I was basically made to feel like I wasn't worth listening to or paying any attention 2. It wasn't good. The worst part is most of it came from my mother so it's a really no win situation. Even now my mother and I are barely civil most of the time.

Sometimes my biggest issue is feeling where I actually belong.it's hard to describe the feeling but after awhile it's like a numbing in ur entire being. It's like you walk in a fog and you don't see the world clearly. I guess it happens

Can identify with a lot in your story. Hugs.