Mental Illness/life In Ruins

I just want someone to hear me. I have turned to the few people I have left in my life and no-one has the answer..

I'll try and keep it concise, but there's just so much that has led me here.

Two years ago I lost my Mother to breast cancer. Ten days after that my brother committed suicide. My Father has not been in my life since I was 4yrs old and lives across the other side of the world.

I have spent the last two years drinking myself into oblivion. Almost a bottle of whisky every day for two whole years. I isolated myself in the extreme and I can count the number of people who truly care about me on one hand. They live all over the country and it's difficult to be with with them for any significant amount of time.

I am currently 'homeless'.. not in the true sense, but in-between living arrangements. I have some savings but not enough to buy any place to live in that is near to the few friends I have left. I should rent a room someplace, but I'm afraid my mental state will make it difficult to live with anyone. I've recently stopped drinking entirely, and find myself experiencing the worst hangover of all.. I've ruined my life. My work and educational background is dismal at best and I just don't know where to start putting my life back together. I don't know where to go or what to do. I can't see beyond the end of this year, let alone anything resembling a 'future'.

I'm contemplating buying a run down house across the other side of the country in a small town by the sea and living off what little savings I would have left. There are almost no employment opportunities there and I would be hundreds of miles from anyone who knows me. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. I've thought about killing myself but I don't think I could go through with it. I just can't seem to pull myself together or see anything worth trying for. I'm about to completely give up on life and that scares me. I used to be such a different person, likeable and positive. Now I feel like a black hole, sucking the good energy out of every room I walk into. I can't find the energy to care about anything in day to day life anymore.. But I know I need to do that to survive.

I don't want to disappoint people and be the guy that no one ever heard from again, who had no one at his funeral.. I feel like I'm circling the plughole. I want to live, but I don't know how.

Winston85 Winston85
26-30, M
2 Responses Jan 6, 2013

I hear you. I totally understand. Im stuck in a crappy run down apartment with my little girl with no money and no car. It aint easy. I just want to end it. I hear you

Man, every feeling you described about yourself fits my situation perfectly. Although our experiences are totally different. We have landed in the same emotional crevasse. I have no answers or tips. I'm also searching for ways to navigate away from the storm. I'm waiting for an answer to fall on my lap but I really should get off my butt and do it myself but I'm lazy. I hope you find the answer so you can tell me.