Cant Take Much More

It just seems as though i cant get any lower. Im not sure who to turn to. I feel like im at a stand still and everytime i try to raise up myfoot to go forward there is something there to push me back 10 feet. A couple months ago i was going to join the coast guard. After i got rejected from that due to a health condition, i got highly depressed. **** started rolling down hill. My husbands job just kept getting pushed back. He flipped my car so now my 4yr old and i are walking in the rain on a daily basis. Husband has been back to work but hasnt made a paycheck so i can continue in college. I feel like its been one thing after another after another. My husband leaves for his job so basically i lay in bed all day thinkining abut how much easier for the people in my life if i were gone.

It doesnt seem like that nig of a deal. But i just feel like a black cloud surrounds my life and if a glimmer of sunshine tries to approach, its there to block it. I often think of ways to just off myself, like the razor blades in the kitchen, the caned air in the drawer, the highway around the corner, the ocean a block away. I went to the er once already with cut wrists. I always make it there when my beatiful daughters face comes to mind. What in the hell would that child do without me. So i stop. I dont do it. But then i get home a **** goes down and i wish i had. The thought of suicide is always there.

My husband is no help either. I love the man to death but i absolutly can not keep laying in bed with him while i cry and he ignores me. Its like he has no heart. At least not for me when i need him to. He is a winderful man with a huge heart but it seems like when i need him to be there for me he doesnt know what to do. On top of that he seems to be so distant from me. As if he has no interest in me at all. This **** im going thrugh aint easy and hes always gone. And even when he is here he blows of my feelings like im some crazy little girl and they dont matter.

Ive never felt so low in my life. I feel i am a threat to myself and there is nobody around to stop me. The only mental health place that takes my insurance is so full that i never see my doc and when i do its for a short time.

I dont know how much more i can take.

I want the pain to stop....
asherbees44 asherbees44
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 9, 2013

I believe i understand the way you feel,and i know how sometimes you start thinking that it's actually not a big deal,compared to others,but the thing is we have different definitions for "a big deal" ,a good example is how a person having asthma needs the inhaler while having a crisis while other people will never understand the need of it,we just have different problems that no one can understand the difficulty of,because after all we are the ones dealing with them. I know i am young and my advice may seem useless,but i am trying my best to make people feel better.The best way i deal with depression is keeping myself busy,i create goals i want to achieve,like having good grades or losing weight,so i start studying and going to the gym,i practice my hobbies in the time left,like painting,drawing,swimming,or i just go out with my friends,but if you think they can't understand you either you can go out in the world,meet new people,make new friends,that should help! the most important thing to have in your situation is HOPE,so don't give up,your family needs you more than you know.

No its not useless. Trust me. The fact that someone out there is taking time to even listen to and respond means a lot. Even someone whom I have never met. I can take all the kind words I can get right now. Thank you.