Well, life hits me again like a baseball bat in the jaw. No, I didn't lose a family member or my dog, it's just that in the end of the day, when I have nothing more to do, I start thinking about stuff. Thinking about what happened to me today, what could've been the day if I did something different. Well at moments like these I tend to see the whole picture of life. Yeah, it's like I ascend over the world and see it for what it is. And I realize, that it doesn't f*ckin matter. Nothing does! I'm going day after day, trying to improve myself and for what? For my dreams? For my future? Now let me think what is the future I want. Hmm...let's see, I want just a normal life with a normal wife, kids, and the work for which I'm studying now (teacher). Well I ask myself why? Ok, lets say i'm gonna get married, i'm gonna have kids, I'm gonna do what I like, but in the end it doesn't matter, because i'm gonna die. isn't that stupid. We live for a future full of...nothing?
"Why people struggle through life, if the end is the same?" I always ask myself this question and I seem to be doing this a lot. A few weeks ago I even wrote a speech for a speech contest and the topic was, "The eternal battle" ("Eien no tatakai"- the original japanese title) So in this speech I was talking about the same thing. We live and struggle trough each day "fighting" with every obstacle, trying to reach our future. This thing can't leave my head. When I think about doing something worthwhile I am always being stopped by this, and in my head pops up the question "What the hell are you doing? You don't need this, remember it doesn't matter.". Some time ago I even had suicidal thoughts. I decided to put an end to this torture, for me and for the people around me, because I thought that I was not torturing only myself, but I felt like i'm a burden for my parents. Well here I am, obviously still alive and kicking, only thanks to the things that changed me after I moved out from home to study in University. Maybe I found the meaning of life? No, this is not the case, I just got distracted. Distracted by the new things in my life. I feel like a kid that was given a chore, but got distracted by a cartoon on the TV. And that's exactly what's happening to most of the people. Yeah, we get charmed by the various things that come while we walk on this road and we forget that this road leads to a dead end.
I'm still wondering what to do. Should I take a peek in the next day or just give it up.
What is your reason that keeps you going? Is it worth it?