The 'Root' Of The Problem

So there it was again, that sickly feeling which I thought I had healed rearing its ugly head once more.
I thought I had dealt with all my self-esteem issues and God knows I’ve done the work so what was this? Why was it back? The guy hadn’t returned my call. We spoke over the weekend – great; we spoke on Monday - great; we met on Tuesday for dinner- good; messaged him on Wednesday... no reply; called him Wednesday night.. no reply and Thursday .. nothing. So I sat there, thinking… thinking… thinking- have I messed things up? what have I done? Replaying the last few conversations we had over and over again in my head trying to dissect for any clue that could give me answers to why he had not called me back.
This wasn’t the first time I had felt like this; it started off with the onset of mobile phones and friends at school not retuning my calls or messages straight away. I’d get myself into a frenzy as to why they hadn’t answered or replied immediately – did they not like me anymore? Were they talking behind my back? Did they like somebody else better than me etc. But I had addressed all that, and I learnt to feel confident about myself and didn’t need that reassurance of needing to be liked by others.

But I realised this feeling was different, slightly more complicated and deep rooted than a simple self-esteem issue and it came up every time I felt someone changed their behaviour towards me. I had enough of this feeling; I couldn’t understand it, what it was or where it came from. So I sat in my room, ripping this feeling to shreds; staring at it in the face and feeling it within my core - I’m not dealing with it any more, this has to stop. I’m not going to feel trapped by this feeling. If he doesn’t like me so what, its fine, that’s his business but why do I feel I’ve done something or am responsible for messing this up?
Then it hit me… my mum. I must have only been around primary school age. I saw how my mum would get in a bad mood and stop talking to me and I wouldn’t even know why. She wouldn’t tell me but just give me the silent treatment. I didn’t know what I had done and I would be too scared to ask so I would sit there trying to figure out how I had upset her.
When she would eventually tell me I’d start feeling guilty and wishing how I could have behaved or done things differently. It was always my fault and I had messed things up. Of course looking back, I was a child and a child is not responsible for their parents.

With my dad being the strict one and with no siblings I have grown up feeling like my mum has been my only friend in the house. At times she would be my rock and other times it seemed she would abuse that position and make me feel as if I had no safety and that everything was going to fall apart.
This confusion and insecurity just reaffirmed itself with the constant repetition of my mum’s unpredictable silent treatments.

Coincidentally I had been working with my chakras. I have always been quite a heady person and felt it was time to deal with my crown chakra. However, this new unravelling led me to my root chakra – the chakra which represents fear and the ability to feel safe and secure and guess what else? The relationship with your mother. How I’ve never really paid attention to this chakra before I don’t know but it all made sense. I’ve always had this underlying fear that my life’s going to fall apart if things don’t work out, be that a job interview, relationship, online shopping order etc. I’ve been a constant worrier and despite me having addressed this over the years, there have still been times where the worry has been so subtle that it’s accumulated only to have caused a more obvious reaction weeks later.
I can now say that I have gone into the depths of my core and dug out that root, the root of fear and worry, that’s been responsible for seeping out my life force. I know that I am safe, secure and rooted regardless of how life works out.
So what happened to that guy? He did call me back and all was fine. However, as with all life’s lessons, once learnt they disappear into the ether and that’s what happened with him. The lesson was learnt and it all fizzled out.
MsHummingbird MsHummingbird
26-30, F
4 Responses Feb 10, 2013

Your story sounds familiar. I appreciate hearing someone else express it so well. I've spent a lot of time recently exploring my own "root" with the belief that untilyou are grounded through the root chakra its difficult to balance the rest. I am currently reading "Eastern Body, Western Mnd", by Anodea Judith, slowly, deliberately, and with a lot of attention to detail. It would be appreciated to read along with someone else or others to help understand other perspectives.


I agree, I never really paid attention to my root chakra before thinking I didn't have those issues and just carried on working with the other chakras. This book sounds interesting, wha does the book address? thank you for telling me about it!

The book primarily focuses on the 7 Chakras and balancing them within themselves as wel as each. other. But it also compares them to the Western Healthcare pattern of Psychological growth (Piaget, Maslow, Ericson, Jung, and Freud.) which givesme a basis from which to work, being a healthcareprovidermyself .. It gives the chakras much more substance and form. One of the things I seem to pick up on is that all of the chakras are integrated so that if you heal one chakra, all of them improve, but f you ignore one chakra it acts as an anchor. But I think there is much for me to learn. This is a new effort for me. If you get the book, and find it interesting, please reply. I would enjoy hearing another perspective.

I like the way you write, and interesting revelation :)

I really enjoyed this story...I practice Mom was the same...

I love hummingbirds...

I hope the Chakra stuff works

Me too!