Leverage


When things fall apart, faerie starts to think where life is taking me. I have big dreams in small plans with baby steps. And when they begin to crumble, I tend to shudder and shy away from my own tremblings. The crumblings affect whatever dreams I have, whatever plans I have scaled in faeriemind., whatever steps I have taken. I get wrapped up with the tremblings fearing my dreams collapsing before my eyes.

Faerie has been in the rabbit hole for some time. I think I chose to jump in. To simply shut the world and carelessly play with the pieces of such shattered dreams. The rabbit hole is covered with them as I sit and brood. Eventually bitterness becomes a companion whose darkness continues to envelop me and stings of iciness and venomous fangs ***** my spirit. I have yielded to the acrimony of my own wretched thoughts... instead of simply surrendering to fear itself, I created an unfathomable monster of hate and blame.

Until a day came where the wind carried away some of the chills and made me chance upon these writings...

"If there's something you can't handle, just give it up. Know that you are being nurtured and surrender the outcome. The Uni-verse doesn't have Alzheimer's. It knows you well. If things haven't been working out your way, isn't it time to try something else?" ~ Mastin

It wasn't that the dreams are gone. There is only another way of working around it.
It wasn't that the dreams are shattered. They are still in tact... in faerie's heart. 

It was my own monster who took the dreams and shredded them... only because my way did not work out. Only because I lost control wherein it was not meant to be controlled in the first place. Only because some hurdles pranced about my path and letting my leverage slip. Well, let them prance. Let them be. There are reasons why they did so.

Faerie wants to bounce back and find another way. Which way? I'm not certain yet. But I'm glueing the pieces of my dreams together as they keep my heart stronger. This part I can control and leave the rest to fate... this part is always faerie's leverage.

 
Sylphy Sylphy
41-45, F
6 Responses May 19, 2012

"It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "Home" is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it." ~ Erika Harris

Taken... it was helpful in a way to see myself so pathetic-looking... and I hated that more. So bounce away the faerie goes... to where she lands, nobody knows. =)<br />
But that's all right, too. Knight often say to faerie to take what you can.<br />
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Q... I liked what you wrote, "... forget the path for now, just walk...". I think that was it. That was the root of my fall. I followed a certain path but was more concentrated on the path itself that I actually failed to see what else is around. Faerie became unaware... and the universe gave me a good whacking to tread the path with clearer eyes. Guess you could say I needed the whack... else, such things would not happen if I did not need them. =)<br />
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Love ya both!

Hike... your friend doesn't have a way with words. He has a bag damn full of them! x p

You have no idea, my friendly Faerie. He and I have gotten along quite well since we met. Mostly due to our mutual love for the expressive qualities contained in the English language. I tend to be simpler in my using of it, but you should have seen my reply to this.

Errr no thanks... else it wouldn't be just the lioness who would roar. ;p

I have this friend Charles. He has way with words. I've going through some stuff and pretty uch beating myself up and he sent me the following letter. Someof it may make some sense, but there's a lot of hidden history in his words that will make it seem crazy too. Don't ask me why I share it here but I hope you like it anyways........ THE LETTER FROM CHARLES:<br />
<br />
What's a man to do?<br />
<br />
I have a friend that I have never met, who now finds himself faced with the prospect of a great struggle. What is in question is not whether a great contest is now at hand, but against whom - or what - this struggle shall be had?<br />
<br />
I have only one friend that can take care this whole mess, and that is this very same individual - the one undergoing this dilemma. However, taking care of problems of note is not always quick nor clean nor easy. The greatest struggles in life invariably seem to be with ourselves - not with others.<br />
<br />
A man's life is at stake. Indeed, the lives of many are at stake. I am fortunate, in that I stand in the distance, and behold his crisis from afar. Do I dare intervene, at the prospect of making things worse? Or do I leave him to meet Fate on his own? As the sum totality of life, history, and all human experience have more than amply demonstrated, sometimes there are no good choices when situations arise that loom large before us, threatening to overload both emotions and logic.<br />
<br />
Again, what's a man to do?<br />
<br />
Should I counsel my friend to abandon all hope, and to just give up on life? Or should I extend unto him the courtesy of preserving that speech as one best delivered to himself?<br />
<br />
Is the hour now at hand, that a coup d'tat be launched, that his life going forward shall be ruled by committee? Shall those that care about this poor fellow know better than himself what his choices should be, and what his decisions must be?<br />
<br />
Has not this very same friend, himself, long studied the absolute ruin of life at the School of Hard Knocks? Is he not already well-versed in the intricacies of this doctrine of thought?<br />
<br />
Apparently, one Hell is not enough. One Hell simply does not suffice. Though the Gates to Hell be very wide, indeed, some will never be content, until they construct their own personal portal to, not just one Hell - but to an infinite number of Hells, each perfected through pain-staking and meticulous effort.<br />
<br />
And as if that's not bad enough, a select few choose to not just enter such ill-conceived and odious doorways to an infinite number of Hells made to order, only long enough to visit and experience their self-inflicted torments, some choose to dwell there - to spend long swaths of their lives mired in the torments of life gone wrong.<br />
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Not content with such quicksand existence, though, some rare souls then dare to hide the doorways through which they entered such life experiences. What a fate most terrible! What a self-inflicted destiny of such dubious merit and such questionable worth!!<br />
<br />
The bad thing about doors is that one doesn't always know what lies on the other side. Hence, if one is Hell-bent on erecting doorways to other Planes of Existence - to other plateaux of experience, then one might be well-served to not place all of life's eggs into just one basket. How is it that the carpenter who can fabricate a door to such an alternate reality suddenly finds himself bereft of the knowledge of making doors?<br />
<br />
A young lady whom I never knew once said that, when one door closes, another opens, but we look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we have not realized the one that opened for us. Having never met her, nonetheless, I remain not oblivious to her words. How, then, does this very same friend of mine fail to heed her timeless wisdom in this, his daunting hour of need?<br />
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The Gates of Hell are never locked. One enters at one's own risk. As I am not the one who incarcerated my friend in his present nightmare, I am not the one who can free him. Though he may, indeed, consider himself to be a man without a country, that is not to say that he is a man without a life.<br />
<br />
What is it that my friend wishes? What would he have? Is it a rescue that he awaits? Shall I gather with others, and invade this Hell of his own creation, under the convenient auspices of rescuing him? How, pray tell me, shall I rescue him from himself?<br />
<br />
If he hid the door so well, then why do I know that it exists?<br />
<br />
He is so used to climbing mountains, that he can't be bothered with simply moving them. His faith is so great, that he accomplishes nothing. He's still learning the hard way, because that is the path that he has chosen. To be certain, other paths exist, but he clings to the path that has led him to the edge of this great abyss.<br />
<br />
How is it that a man who has conquered many mountains stumbles so easily over his own shadow?<br />
<br />
My friend's instinct is to fight. How do I know that? Because, that's always his instinct. Yet, he who lives by the sword shall perish by the sword. My friend associates all surrender with defeat.<br />
<br />
How very unfortunate.<br />
<br />
Some battles were never meant to be won.<br />
<br />
The universe is a Strange place, indeed!<br />
<br />
Those who know me not, listen to me not at all. Those who know me best, listen to me even less. My friend is neither. My expectations are none.<br />
<br />
Life has a way of roaring like a lion. When the lion roars, where does the lion face, I wonder? To avoid being devoured, it is useful to know where the lion's head is at all times.<br />
<br />
In the distance, a lioness roars within. What, now, is the meaning of life, my friend?<br />
<br />
What's a man to do?

*hugs Lilt*... yes, sweets... it's like trying out a new pair of socks. =)<br />
<br />
We would never be allowed to dream it if they are not meant to be. But work we must, and it will happen. Believe in that.

Thank you , Sylphy. And thank you, Mastin.<br />
I tried. I failed. Now I need another path.