My Husband Asked For A Sep And I Didnt Know What To Do ...................

My husband and i have been married for 10 years on June 17, the past 3 years i thought i was super unhappy and told him i needed a sep and even went as far as finding a place to live for me and my son, my plan was to date eachother, and re-build our family and get counseling.
I didnt leave, let the apt go and stayed because I didnt want to leave (this was last october), he went away for work (no there is no other woman) and would be home on the weekends. He was home full time in March or so, he did take a trip on Valentines Day weekend with my son and his best friends sister an thier daughter to visit her brother (his best friend, he has been very close with them for years so this was normal but not on Valentines weekend).
Things seemed to have been getting better since March, recently after we celebrated 10 years,he came home from a gofing trip on June 26 with his best friend (no the sister was no where to be found) and blurted out he has been unhappy for a long time and he wants a sep he said lets sell the house, and go our sep ways. We have a 7 yr old son. I was floored, i asked if there was someone else, he said no, i asked if he would consider counseling ofcourse while i begged him sobbing standing in the kitchen as my body shook from crying, he stood there coldly and said no. that following weekend he took my son away for 4th of July weekend, i asked if i could go and he said no he didnt want me there. The only reasons he gave me for the sep was because we have nothing in common and he will be 40 this year and he dowsnt want to be miserable for the rest of his life. I went to pay his cell phone bill on july 9, and got curious as to who he has been talking to that would have talked him into leaving me, i found a number of this woman (i called it) that he had spent over 12 hours on the phone with in less than 10 days so Iasked him who she was via text message. It took him over a half hour to call me - i called her number yes. He has called her home, he has called her job, and her cell. He called me and told me it was a FRIEND he met in NC in a bar. Said she was his friend and it was no big deal - i said well yes its a big deal, i told him he couldnt call her anymore because 1. he is legally married, 2. we share the same bed still, 3. he has been intimate with me since he told me he wanted the sep (ofcourse afer he says this doesnt change anything). He said I cant just stop talking to her her - i said yes you can - you owe her nothing, you met her in a bar you have spent 14 yrs with me and we have a child, we have a home an thats worth fighting for. He then asked me what right I had to text her, I said I have every right, I am your wife, we are still legally married and you sleep in my bed. OK OK so i did text her and told her he was married and we were tryin to work on our marriage, i never heard from her and i checked his phone records and he hasnt talked to her since that day. Since that day, we were intimate 3 times, he still says he wants a sep and i have gotten him to agree to marriage counseling, we did a family day at a waer park which went amazingly perfect, except or that night when we went to dinner he dogged the day to his friend that we ran into. I asked him if he had a good family day, he said yes he was very happy with it, i said why did you make it like it was a horrible day then to your friends, he said he didnt know why he did that, he said that he was in a group and just did. i told him that hurt and i couldnt believe he did that. Monday comes and he is right back to wanting a sep and nothing is going to change. I know I hurt him when i initially told him i needed space, but he didnt give me much i can atest to that, he pushed the family time thing where he and my son did EVERYTHING with me - except go to the bathroom.

He says he loves e=me but isnt inlove with me - he wont move out, he sleeps in the same bed with me and is intimate, then this wont change anything, he says he goes back and forth - does he want to go doesnt he want to go. I have bent over backwards to be he wife he wanted, but nothing is working. He says he is still unsure and doesnt know what he wants. I told him that he is hurting me and tearing our my heart daily with alot of the rejection the throwing in my face THIS DOESNT CHANGE HOW I FEEL OR ANYTHING ELSE. He says I love you to my face, but refuses to say it on the phne, tells me to stop texting him or calling him, and making his favorite dinners.

I had a breakdown the other night and my son caught me - i was sobbing uncrontrollably and he says mommy whats wrong, i said nothing i am just going through something. He looked at me and just cried with me - burried his little head in my shoulder and cried.

Today my husband took our son to see his aunt for 2 weeks, my husband will fly home this tuesday. Our marriage counseling session in thursday - If the counsling session doesnt go well and he doesnt seem to want to work at it I was thinking of packing his bags and friday when he comes home from work, and telling him, go your free, this is what you wanted.

Jul 22nd, 2010 -Tonight is the first marriage counselling appointment - i Dont think I can handle much more of his coldness, uncaring, unloving attitude that i have been getting lately -

When he was in Georgia with my son, he barely had him call me, i didnt get any text messages, and waited until 9:45 at night to be able to talk to my son, I feel like he was using him as a tool to get to me. When he came home he was like - hi - gave me a kiss and hug, told them i missed them both - all i got was a did you?

Since, he hasnt really been home and hasnt spoken to me too much. I understand that when i pushed him away he was feeling the same way I am. I know I hurt him as he has done to me. I am praying that he will let go and make a decision one way or another. I really pray that he decides he wants to work on it - and we can stop this and start new

Jul 23rd, 2010 Ok sooo he has decided he will do more of the counceling He is going to move out. I laid ground rules. I told him there's no outside interests he is not allowed to date he is not allowed to have sex with anyone and same goes for me. I told him friends family coworkers are not to be involved and he needs to communicate with meThe counselor told him that he has been being disrespectful to me with no calls not checking in and staying out - She said that we emotionally separate along time ago and were the ones who can bring it back If we want toHe still thinks he needs to go, i dont want him to, so I told him that he can only stay wth family he can not get his own place not enter into any type of lease or anything. I told him this is not to be single. Its a time to reflect on what he really wants So last night he decided he wanted sex , I said you can't do this. I said you need to look at what your doing to me. Its either you want to be with me or you don't. You can't have sex with me if your leaving me and don't want to work at it. You cant have your cake and eat it too. I said look at ne. You have sex with me giving me hope and then you treat me like dirt until we have sex again. I said your making me an emotional wreck, I said its either u love me and open your heart to me or you don't, You can't have it both ways. I hated telling my husband no to sex, but in the same token I needed to put my foot down and stop being a doormat - each time i get that hope that it will make it better and he does nothing but treats me like dirt for the days that follow - He agreed. things dont get fixed over night and i know that - i would love for him to just say - GOTCHA - kidding - but he wont -

The good thing is he is going to therapy and is willing and im not forcing him there. I will now back off of him a little to have some space, but for some reason - and it may come back to bite me in the *** for saying this - I dont think he will move out. i think right now he has so much anger and he doesnt know how to process it.

He did say he loves the changes i have been making and wants to see it continue and he thinks its great - says itll make me a better person (IDK how). He apologized for hurting me and said he was sorry - he said he does love me and is just confused right now.

i dont know how serious he is - i have never seen him act this way, and thats the worst part. I dont pick at him honestly - we bicker but its never been a huge fight - he has always done as he pleased i have never harped on him because i dont like it done to me - i have always told him i am not your mother - if we dont have something going on then you can do as you wish.

The rules are for him to really think about if he wants us or not. I dont want him anyother way than he was been, i only want to go back to the way we used to be - loving eachother - with a few minor adjustments. Everything i have been doing and saying is coming from my heart - I do dread speaking to my son about this - he is only 7 and i know how upset he will be -

OK Weekend events - you will probably find some humor here - I did - ok - Firday night he came home and decided to spend some family time - we watched TV together and joked a bit - I took advice from a friend who is close with him and said to put on a certain pair of shorts to tease him a little - lol - so i did - when our son was down in bed, he was like cmere - being all playful - i sat on his joking around and he was trying to get it frisky - i said nope - you need to make a decision - and all this can be yours - he laughed and said OK OK -

Saturday he worked all day and was supposed to go to a party - so it was 97 degrees and I decided I was going to try to help him with the lawn to surprise him - he always complained I dont do the outside of the house - well that turned into a fiasco - I couldnt move this huge SCAG mower - i had to have help from a firends boyfriend to get the darn thing out of the shed, after that i did ok until my son came flying up to the house on his bike - i looked at him and lost control of the mower - hit a tree and got it stuck (of course with the blades up - they didnt bend) - i said Uh Hoh - so I got my nieghbor to help me pull it off of the mound of dirt - and put it back in the shed. When He came home - he was standing in the kitchen and looked out the wind and said umm what happened to the lawn? ............ I said well see funny that you ask - so I told him my story - he looked at me smirked and I said well u have to give me an E for effort - he said Ill give u an S for satisfactory (which im thinking its better than an E) so he popped outside to talk to the nieghbor - I bought them a beer and they started picking on me -
He never went to his party he stayed home and hung out with me :) - Sunday morning he was supposed to take his father golfing - so i made the plans for my son and I to go to a show in NYC - when i asked him if he wanted to go - he said well idk - i said take a look at it and decide - so he said it looked interesteing - i said do you want to go - he couldnt make up his mind - so i said you needed to decide - well he couldnt - so i got angry and said u know its not a life commitment to go today - its a simple yes or no - make a decision because if you dont im leaving without you - guess what ........ he went!! we had a fabulous time -

Then we went to breakfast and he was talking to a friend of his on the phone and was making plans to go away this weekend, so i after he got off the phone i had reminded him that he had made plans to go to my nieces' going away party - he said he would still go and then made plans to take his father golfing next sunday morning -

On our way home i noticed (which i have noticed before, but we were in traffic so i bought it up) i noticed he stopped wearing his wedding band and explained to him that i hadnt worn mine because my engagement ring'd diamond fell out abiut 3 years ago and i had told him we needed to get it fixed, and my wedding band was attached to it - but i do wear a ring on my finger and had never stopped - he looked at me and said oh - i didnt know that - i said i think you didnt remember that - and i changed the subject -

we came home sunday night and he had a guy drop off stone for landscaping then he came in and was telling me all of the plans he has for the yard - and his aunt was at the house - she was talking our son back to GEorgia with her for 2 weeks which i think will be good for us....... so...... he was talking to his aunt and he kept saying - well this winter we will be doing this in the house and doing that in the house!

I thought to myself - for a man who wants out -it is funny how he is working on his back yard and wants all of this and that done - ok so.............
Mind you the sex has been amazing too.....

A week goes by, no child and i have not pressured him on his feelings or whats going to happen........

Sunday night comes and he tells me he is playing my game.... I said funny I dont remember playing a game, i told him that his little game if thats what hes playing needs to stop because Im not having any fun in it and i need answers that i was tired of tip toeing around him because he goes around the beaten path when i ask him questions... i said just answer the damn questions ..... i went to sleep

Monday night comes along and i ate without him by 6:30 because I got tired of waiting - he came home and ate dinner - but i did sit in the kitchen talking to him..... he startes opening up to me... he starts saying how he wants to work it our but he is afraid, so we come to the agreement that we are going to try ..... i said if you move out we cant work on it - being apart wont help us working on being together - he never said anythign after that

Now we do Session #2 with the marriage counselor - TUESDAY night
 mostly were talking about our son and how my husband doesnt have much of a relationship with him and how he plays us against eachother - this goes on for most of the session and the counselor asks how we are and if were communicating..... i said that we had a good talk the night before and he has agreed to try to work things out....i just hit little bits and pieces on our conversation the night before and then he drops the bomb.... he says I will work on it BUT I STILL THINK WE NEED TO SEPARATE!!!

I blew up.... i said WHAT?!! I said what about our conversation last night?  what about what you said I was under the impression you werent going anywhere .......he clammed up.... i was so upset and started crying .... i said to him ...yiu need to decide what you want ..the counselor said to him that if he leaves there was no going back to mend what we have broken the same way we couldve being together .... she explained to him that him leaving could have harsh ramifications emotionally for all involved and told him that if he was going to leave he really needed to search within him if thats what he really wanted....

I told him that I loved him and didnt think his leaving would help matters, I told him i wanted him to be with us and work on it,  I explained to him that for the past month and a half, I have pretty much taken on the roll of supermom, supermaid, super cook, superwife andI was tired, I cant do it anymore, and if he wants to leave he needs to look in his heart of hearts.  I came straight out and asked him - DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE REALLY?  He said No!

I said I have changed so much and reached out to apologize to people i may have distanced myself from because he said they were upset, and i have bent over backwards to show you .....he says well for the past 5 years....the counselor interjected and she said that he was not allowed to bring up the past 5 years, he said he was going to work on it he was not allowed to say for the past 5 years........... and she told me to stop apologizing ... i was not allowed to apologize any longer.  When we left the thereapists office i was quiet and he says what are you thinking - i said i am thinking alot and you dont want to know right now.....

I asked him straight out, what is it that you dont want to leave? The house? He says No...I said ........me and our son .....he said yes..... i said then why are you doing this...he had no answer 

so .................. wednesday night comes along and he barely talks to me and he has his "quickie" with me and goes to sleep.... i was furious and told him how inconsiderate and selfish he was.......

Thursday morning....... I say good bye to him as he goes off to work, and i go to work, i get off of work and go buy crab cakes, porterhouse steaks, corn on the cob, i get home and start preparing a nice dinner...... i said this will be my last appeal to him....he called and said he was stopping by to see a friend of his.... he would be home soon......i said ok.... this was 5:30 ............ by 7 i had no call and he didnt show up...... I ate alone and  when I was done with my dinner, i cleaned up and went for a walk, now Im more hurt than ever and so sad...I give up.... i come home an hour later and still no husband ........He calls me finally ...... i look at the ohone and dont answer - he calls 5 times.... and then texts me ......i call him back and said hi - he says where are you - i said i am walking - he says im on my way home.....i said your just leaving now?? he says yes.... i go home and he still isnt there... its now 8:45 pm - his dinner is ruined.... im hot and i said ok thats it... i shower - the dog starts barking  hes now home..... i said ok... here we go - i close the bathroom door because im too upset to see him and furious combining the past 2 days together really showed me there is no respect and no consideration - i lost the fight.... he opens the bathroom door - and he says can i have a hug?? i say No... I am so upset with you right now... I said your going away tomorrow last night you did what you did and tonight i had a great dinner planned for you and you never came home... Im hurt and really am not playing your games anymore.. he said I WANT TO WORK AT IT, I WANT TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE - I AM SORRY - he said he went to a friends house to talk to him because he really needed to talk to someone - he said he has a great life and his friemd realy opened his eyes, and asked him what he was doing and why give it up to be single and 40 and start all over, he said he never stopped loving me and he was so angry with me at the time he really wanted a sep and now ......... he really wants it to work   it out and we will take it day by day

so i told him i had to think about it...... kidding  .............
We will be going to counseling again next week and we will take it day by day and see where it goes from here -

Thank you for reading my story..... I know its long.... and for those of you who really want to work on your marriages, please please let your anger go, and start fresh, never use the YOU YOU YOU, try using WE WE WE .... each person needs to bend its a 2 way street really.... Ill keep you all posted on my progress :)  maybe next year we will take a 2nd honey moon :)



stuckinlimbo stuckinlimbo
36-40, F
4 Responses Aug 6, 2010

So many similarities to my situation. Your story has many lessons and inspirations. Thank you for sharing.

DJ, First let me say, thank you :) <br />
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But, I do have to say, Counseling has helped us alot. My husband finally confessed to me that he didnt really want to sep or leave, he was just angry and at wits end, he loves me and loves our son and wants it all good with us.... Ill admit i wasnt the best wife after being let down so many times by him, but we are sticking in there and working on it, the counselor said she sees alot of love left from both of us and we just need to work on it. <br />
<br />
Ever see that movie with Bruce Willis - "The Story of Us" , even though he is stubborn and thickheaded I'd rather work on us than having to get used to another man and his bad habits :) <br />
Ill get that fairytale back :)

Good luck to you, hope the counseling brings continued progress.

hahaha - I want off that damn roller coaster :) thank you - <br />
<br />
We have both been hurt, he was confused and we are trying :) <br />
<br />
Thank you :)