What I Want Vs. What I Need

Bear with me...I'm new to this.

I need people to talk to. People who understand the same things that I'm going through and the way I feel. Even to know that people view and comment, makes me feel like I'm not alone.

I have a history of self harm (3 years on and off, haven't now for 18 months), as well as a lovely helping of strange mind sets and weird reactions to silly things. For example, at school I worked extremely hard and achieved high grades. But when I was told that I could even be working too hard and that I needed to take a step back, that was worse than my teachers saying it wasn't good enough.

As a result, I decided to seek out Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Along side this, I finally told my parents about how I was feeling. They gave me so much love and support and I will never be able to thank them enough for it. So things were looking up; I had a long term boyfriend, who understood what I needed and wanted, close friends and a wonderful family to support me.

But then again, no good thing lasts forever. I fell out badly with one of my close friends, not through anything either of us had done wrong, but through lack of maturity (on her part, or mine, who can say). I then found out that I was being deliberately excluded by my entire friendship group. A real knock to my self confidence and my trust that I put in others, considering that I was about to go to university, it really wasn't what I needed.

University began and I tried my best to build relationships that made me feel secure and wouldn't take me back to old ways of thinking. The first term went well and despite sometimes being homesick, I felt like I was finally getting myself together.

Then over Christmas my Grandfather, who had had cancer for sixteen years, died. My parents were away for a week to sort out funeral arrangements, whilst I took care of my two little brothers. They got back the day before I had to go back to university.

Since then, it feels like things have got worse and worse. I broke up with my boyfriend, work started to get on top of me and the friends that I thought I had made seemed to suddenly change and were not the people I thought they were.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to be happy, but I have no idea what the road is to getting there. I spend so much time thinking that all the things I'm worried about don't really matter, which makes me feel insignificant and alone.

I know that everyone has problems. Sometimes mine get on top of me and I thought that I was getting better. But now I'm not so sure.

gingerbreadlily gingerbreadlily
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 13, 2010

well, it's hard to know what to say in these situations...a 'bad phase'....a 'rough' patch....<br />
You're in school......so GOOD FOR YOU!!!...the roads are bumpy, twisty, curvy...but just try and set yourself on 'cruise control' and take it day by day....<br />
I know kind of a cliche.....but....<br />
God Bless............PIP