I Am Worthless

I have no money - I depend upon my parents and upon a student loan to survive. I cant get a job.  I try but I cant get one.  I speak several languages and have all these degrees - I have five finished degrees and i'm finishing a masters right now - which i hate and feel terrified of/overwhelmed by and am sick of but cant stop.  my parents expect me to do it - its all they ever talk about these days.  i dont think i can do it.  i dont think my professor thinks i can do it either.  i think he is just ticked off with me and wishes i'd go away.  and because i borrowed a student loan to pay for the paper if i dont complete it i'll have to pay it back and I have no money.  i'm trapped.  I cant get work!!  What ******* good was all the suffering.. I have made myself physically sick with sleep deprivation and over the counter stimulants trying to get work done, trying to do more.  I have panic attacks over the fear of failing.  feel like i've been punched in the gut all the time with the realization that I have already failed at life.  what did i give up my life for?  Why am I even here?!  i serve no purpose.  My degrees get me interviews but apparently I suck so much in person that it doesnt matter how qualified I am for the position. And thats probably the case.    I have no friends.  I moved across the country to take this particular masters and I am alone here. But then I was almost alone where i was before anyway.   All my classmates for this masters are people already in the jobs i'm trying to get into. Many of them five years younger than me.  My failure hangs like a massive neon sign around my neck.  I am useless.  worthless.  why waste time getting to know me - i'm only going to fail anyway. I am a waste of resources. Society would be better off if i had died at birth. Its been years since i last had a real friend.  I have acquaintances.  And not even close ones.   I have no boyfriend.. no girlfriend. Although in the past i've dated some nice guys who wanted to marry me ..i've been happy before - I left.. and now I pathetically wish I could go back to those moments and choose differently.  No pets. I dont want to get an animal in case i decide to die and its left with nobody to take care of it.  But i desperately wish i wasnt completely alone and an animal would be ..at least like not being so alone.  My life is very very small.  Spent in my room.  I have become a social recluse of sorts.  I cant drink myself into numbness because I cant afford it and because it doesnt make me feel any better.  I could smoke pot if i had money and that would make me feel better.  I miss pot and think about smoking a lot lately.  Years ago i was a stoner and it was ok.  My life was small and empty but I didnt care.  I could amuse myself in small things. I'm scared that even if i did have the money.. if i went back to smoking pot i'd never be able to stop again. i didnt want to stop before.  it was the hardest thing i've ever done.  It was all i had in my life that i enjoyed.  and i stopped because i really wanted to get a particular job.. i stopped smoking and i worked harder than i've ever worked before in my life and five years went by and now i'm here and it was all for nothing.  i might as well not have bothered.  I want to die but i feel guilty for all my parents have done for me.  So i wish that THEY would die so that i could die without guilt.. but that thought only makes me feel worse.

i just feel that if you dont serve any purpose theres no reason to be here.  i am a tax on society.  I am a burden to my parents.  i am completely worthless.  if there were a way i'd donate myself to medical research.  I'd sell myself for organs and body parts and leave my parents the money.  you cant even do charity work without money.  if there were some group i could donate myself to who would put me in a work camp  - i'd do it.  I've considered committing a crime just to go to prison so that i'd at least not have to worry about what to do now.. but if i did that i'd be costing the country even more than i already am.  I just wish there were something USEFUL I could do.  I cant join the army because i'm not fit enough.  I'm not needed in the world.  theres no place for me anywhere. 

sweetoblivion sweetoblivion
5 Responses Feb 23, 2010

p.s. you are not a tax on society if you pay off the loans in the end, which with your education should not be a problem once you gain a little more confidence...keep you head up . Good luck and no pun intended God bless.

corps are marines. Well your opinion on God is less than flattering, however i believe you have every right to those opinions and i am not a Bible thumper so i would not ask you to change your thinking on God. But you can relax knowing you are with your parents, and have an education and are not on the streets or welfare. This country would be better if people swallowed their pride and moved back home when things got tough instead of looking to the govt for bailouts. Charity begins at home.

We are all needed. Depends on what price we put on "worth".<br />
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Sounds like u need a break. Looked into volunteer work? Help others. See what changes u can make in another's life.<br />
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Update me with some good news.

thanks trepii - i'd love to join the army but i wouldnt pass basic with my current fitness level and really.. i'd probably hate it anyway. Getting up at four am and charging around muddy fields.. As for god.. god is neither here nor there really. If god loves me.. and loves everyone else - including genocidal dictators, garden variety murderers, torturers, rapists, pedos.. Thats like saying - you're unique just like everybody else. God has a tendency to display love in very character building ways. Nobody wants to build bloody character. we just want to be happy. <br />
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Lonelyness21 - thanks too. i cant take a sabbatical or else i'll have to pay back the 17000 this masters cost to take. I do not have 17000 spare lying about to do this. Therefore i'll have to somehow manage. theres no other way. the way out is through. (or i could die. they write student loans off if you die.) I'd love an entry level/starter job but nobody will give me one because they say i'm overqualified and i'll be bored and wont stay in the position long. On the other hand i'm underexperienced to get any of the roles i'm technically qualified for. So here's a rock and theres a hard place.

dude relax, take a deep breath, remember your alive and God loves you...thats why he made the corps...