We should write a book.... He said....

My psychologist suggested I deal with things.... Instead of bottling up these intense feelings, I need to somehow very cautiously let them out....

Rediscovering my sensual self has been a short but exciting journey.... Inside I realize that the only reason I am doing this is to avoid the loneliness, to avoid the hole in my head that was left there quite recently.

So I have turned to a man.... An object of affection. It's got me wondering just how screwed up and scared we all actually are.... Emotional warfare and games laden with a strong under current of deceit and lies.... I'm not sure what makes me feel more empty now and if this experience is making it better or worse for me.

I have watched my family and my normal be destroyed, and all I really feel inside is nothing... I don't know how to face my life, so I just avoid it.

My secret life has now come to the fore.... A life I pretend to live but one that could never integrate into my real life.

I met him on a dating site, he was quite pleasant and easy to talk to, not intimidating and over confident like some of the men on there. I arranged for a meet up.... A place where we could both have some drinks and get to know each other. I was so nervous.... I could barely speak, knocked down a few glasses of wine before the time so I would at least not be my introverted self....

We met at a secluded table and chatted for a while.... I wasn't in it for a relationship, I just needed someone to want me.... I was rejected so much in the last 5 years that I would do anything for a dose of intimacy.... A dose of just being able to wake up in someone's arms.... It felt so good to be touched again, to see the lust in a mans eyes and to smell it on his breath...

While he was sleeping I would stare at his manly features like a teenage lover.... What a sweet soul.... And it got me wondering what had happened in his life that he couldn't face his own emotions....

I have returned on many occasions.... Sometimes bearing gifts.... I have given myself over totally to this man in a sexual sense.... I somehow just want to feel like someone wants me.... I am fooling myself as I know that I am not the only girl in his life.... Although he wouldn't want me believing that....
Last night was the roughest yet.... He spanked me.... He bit me.... I am covered in bruises on my inner thighs and ribcage....

Out of all the times I have gone there I have never been able to give myself fully to him.... This morning however I managed to do just that.....

It feels good to be wanted right?

Where does it start and where does it end?

If we are all just ripe for the picking.... How will you ever know if you are the last one he thinks of at night.... He would want me believe that I am the only sexual partner that he has.... I don't believe it for a second, which makes it a little bit more of a power play than anything else....

So I have submitted to this man....

We should write a book he said. I am writing a book already Mister Man.
99hello99 99hello99
31-35, F
Aug 23, 2014