Wonder Why I'm Not Close to My Family, Don't Believe In God, Choose to Be Self Reliant Instead of Being More Outgoing & Sociable?

Well I sat down and finally wrote it all out. It's not pretty and it's not spellbinding but it'll be out there for anyone who cares enough to read it. I'd like to know if I should post it as a blog on myspace, or if I shouldn't share it with the rest of the world. I've been called an enigma, weird, different, strange, evil, psycho, you name it. And all I can say is that there are reasons why I am the way I am, and these are them.

It's not really fun always being alone and living a life of solitude. I'd love to be more like everyone else but certain things happened that made me like I am and I cannot change the past. I can, however, try to explain things as best as I can. So here we go.

I got my first spanking when I was 2 weeks old. Why? Because I had an ear infection and was crying. My dad had no patience whatsoever and so my parents fought alot especially when I got spanked for crying. They eventually divorced when I was 3, and I had the unfortunate destiny of becoming the property of my dad. My step brother and sisters went to live with their grandparents. My mom was found to be an "unfit parent." She didn't have the money to fight for us.

So it was just me and my dad for the next 7 years. He never got over her and he made sure that I wouldn't turn out like her. It was wrong  for him to get custody of me, I had no one to take up for me. He'd start thinking about her and the next thing I know, I'd be getting my *** beat. Seriously, this was on a daily basis and not just a swat on the butt, I'm talking belt, belt buckle and all. I had bruises continuously from my lower back to the backside of my knees, for 7 long years. But I didn't anything to teachers or counselors for fear that they would confront him and then he would really hurt me. I didn't want them to put him in jail either because he was all I had. I could endure physical pain better than emotional.

He demanded compliance and wouldn't accept anything less than perfection. He made sure I was in church everytime the doors were open. People sometimes think I must be ex-military. I just smile and say no, I was raised by a dictator. Yeah, my problems began when I was born but they got alot worse when he died. I didn't know who to turn to. Part of me wanted to run to my mom, but all I'd ever heard was how she didn't want me. She only wanted men. So I decided to stay where I was, keep going to church, and living my life the way my dad would have wanted me to. Only thing is, when there 's not an adult around to protect you, you find out what people are really like. You see their true colors because they don't care to hurt your feelings. I mean, who are you gonna tell? Who's gonna believe a kid over an adult. So when you get bounced from one aunt, uncle, cousin's brother to another, your self esteem level tends to dwindle to nothing. But I kept on trying to do right and continued to go to church. Until one day when my whole world came crashing down around me.

The preacher was talking about how we will all want  our family with us at the end of time. So he told the children to go to their parents, parents go to their children, so that each family was congregated, and so they did. And there I stood by myself. I felt as if a spotlight had been put on me. I felt a sense of shame. Like something must be wrong with me for not having a family. No one, should ever be made to feel that lonely. I lost all my respect for that preacher and that congregation that day and I never went back. I felt a stir inside my soul that let me know I'd be okay. I didn't need anyone but myself. Besides, if there were a "god", he would not allow certain things to happen. It was all a fairytale told to us many years ago to give us something to live for, work for, and strive for, in hopes that one day we will be able to live forever in the kingdom of "heaven." I had lost my belief in all that stuff.

I went to live with my mom, step-dad, and little brother, who had been born with spina bifida. Needless to say, they had lives already. It wasn't a big deal to get by on my own.I was just greatful to have a place that I could actually call home. And to the rest of the world we appeared to be a normal, healthy, loving family.

I was 12 by then, and buckwild. I was out to find someone who would want me and never leave me. I was insubordinate, anti social, self sufficent, and determined to be happy at all cost.Not caring who got hurt along the way. If I was unhappy, then by god, the rest of the world was gonna share in my unhappiness. They would know that I had touched their lives. I got pregnant. Within a year, I had lost my dad, turned my back on god and conceived a living being whom no one could take away. I kept her, loved her, cared for her, at my parents house of course. I finished school. Got out on my own, got married, twice, got divorced, twice. Kept raising my daughter the whole time.

You may be wondering why I felt such an overwhelming distrust and need for vengence. Let's just say that I experienced more than my fair share of sex abuse from so called 'friends of the family'. People who used their authority as an adult to coerce me into doing sexual things.

It did 2 things. It destroyed whatever shred of self esteem I may have had at that time. And it taught me that sex can be very empowering and so I used that to my advantage. I'd find someone, love 'em til I lost interest, then be on my way, always leaving behind a path of destruction. I actually grew tired of this lifestyle about 2 or 3 years ago. I'm no longer a vengeful person. I'm not out to hurt anyone. I just want to be happy.

I do know one thing, you can't ask for more from someone than they are able to give.

I hope I haven't exhausted all my chances. I'll just have to wait and see.


I want to add that it's funny how people appear to be caring and kind to the rest of the world but when the sun goes down and the doors and curtains are closed, you see how they really are. They don"t care to hurt your feelings and belittle you in hopes of destroying whatever shred of self esteem you might have still had. 

Especy Especy
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 31, 2007

I never thought that revenge could do anything for me. For me hurting someone else will only come back and bite us in the *** when it comes to the children. I wouldn't want to know that my behaviour has caused them pain. I always try to put my pain aside so someone else can be happy. Sorry life treated you like ****. And I hope you are doing much better. You been through a lot and No one can blame you for what happened in your past.