Because I Can't Say It Aloud

Dr. C--------------

I don't feel that I have made myself clear and because of that I am not benefiting from the sessions with you as I should. I cannot speak on the spot and very often I leave out what is really bothering me, focusing on things that while important, are not the big issue. So I wrote down what I wanted to talk about today so that I could not get around the issue.

During those two weeks in which we were not meeting I had to deal with a lot of things that were very unsettling. First was the issue about work, in which we already spoke, but I wish to explain further. My boss J--------- came to me and told me that my coworker D---------- had an issue with me while J------------ was on vacation in which I filled in as manager. The issue D------------ had with me was that I had supposedly "scolded" her and "embarassed" her in front of customers. When I explained what had happened to J-----------, I told her that I had asked D---------- to do something, nothing more or less than J-------------------- would ask of her while she was there, and when she didn't do it, I commented on it with, "I asked you to do this because it was important and I would appreciate that you do it the next time." There were no customers around when it happened. I did not yell at her, I did not scream at her. When I told this to J------------------ she put up her hands and said, "I don't Know what happened". I felt like I had been thrown under the bus because J------------------------ does know what happened. On many other occassions J-------------------- has complained about D------------------- and her lack of following directions and completing tasks but refuses to do anything about it. On top of that J-------------------- told me that there had been customer complaints about me being rude to customers and then told me I shouldn't get upset about it. I was upset about it and it made me angry that she would not back me up or believe what I said. I don't understand why I am left in charge and then punished for doing my job. I could not stop thinking about the things J---------------------- had said to me and it just sent me into a tailspin. I felt like I was worthless and couldn't do my job and everything I had worked so hard for was falling apart. I wanted to die. Right then and there. I was angry and embarassed and I just did not want to live anymore.

The day after that I had to go on vacation with my family. I did not want to go. I want to stay home and away from people as much as possible because I was in no mood to be stuck in a house with my family with whom it is so difficult to be around. My obviously depressed mood was not welcome on vacation and when I got upset when my father demanded my car to go fishing with, my mother and I got into an argument. She told me that I can't get upset about everything because its not fair to her. Because she is the one who has to be in the middle and take care of everything. She said you have to enjoy what you have because there is nothing else. When I told her that I just don't think its right that my father get to treat me like **** and get away with it she said, "He treats everyone like ****.". I asked her, "And that's okay?" Her reply was, "No its not okay, but I can't do anything about it. I can't change things. I can't do anything. I have things that I never thought I would ever have at this stage in life. You can change things, you are going to school. Yeah it sucks, but you have to deal with it a little longer." After that I had to pretend I was okay and go to the store and go to the beach and pretend I was having fun. I wasn't. All I could think of was that my mother stayed with my father despite all of his bullshit because he had some money. I was supposed to put up with it because it makes it easier on her, not having to see me upset or hear me cry. I'm supposed to put up and shut up. I spent every night crying myself to sleep and just wishing that my heart would stop beating.

Last time we met we spoke about how sometimes things just are harder for some people. Like being social and feeling okay. I think it sucks that this is the way it is and though it is selfish, I do say its unfair. I find it hard to believe that going out and doing things is going to change the way my life is going.

Thanks for listening

fuglywuggly fuglywuggly
1 Response Aug 12, 2010

i might try this method, i've kinda the same problem with my therapist, i can't open up about specific stuff.