Abstinence Really Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder

My wife and I are attracted to each other, but she wanted to have a completely celibate marriage.  I went along with it and discovered the benefits of abstinence, permanent and complete, are far better than sexual groping, dominance, and other intrusive acts.  The fact is: most women don't want sex shortly after marriage anyway, and feel either bored or used; and that leads to unhappiness, anger and divorce.  We believe that the things you want most in life are what you can't have; once you've had it, it's been had and is never the same.  All of our sexually active friends are now divorced, and we are going strong, without even a bit of sex, but with plenty of love and respect for each other's self-discipline.  I recommend abstinence, at least on a trial basis for all couples.
william william
31-35, M
16 Responses May 29, 2007

As a guy I liked to what I know now as groping. I enjoy it when she goes straight to touching my ****. She on the other hand just sees that as groping. We have backed right off the physical stuff. By that I mean, my come on has to be very slow and gentle. Only progressing closer to her genitals when she indicates that she is enjoying this. This requires me to go a lot slower than I would like. The payback though is much more intimacy. The physical interaction has much more connection. More time. More tease. More thinking about each other. A key to making all this happen was my abstinence. I used to get really angry when my advances for sex were either rejected or lead to cold sex. Cold sex was where she would just let me have sex with her to get it over with. Knowing that no matter what happens, I am not going to get an ****** means that I have no reason to get frustrated or angry. I know that sounds weird but it was both a protection for my well being and a way of making sex more enjoyable for her.

I have been married just under 5 years, and my husband and I have just now decided to become officially abstinent. It is because we have sexual problems and he refuses to go to therapy, with or without me. I honestly believe this is going to push our marriage over the edge. Everything was fine with our relationship sexually until the day we were married.

Maybe he wants things he's afraid to ask for out of fear of being judged. My wife and I discuss all aspects of our sexuality openly and honestly and it has made it so both of us are aware of the others' likes and dislikes. Granted, for many people such honesty is difficult for any number of reasons. I suppose I'm lucky because I married my best friend and I have always felt comfortable speaking candidly with her. I hope your marriage has improved since your post. I really feel for all the people in unsatisfying marriages. It sounds like the two of you would have been better off being a monogamous unmarried couple but then that really isn't acceptible in society. Weird how the pressure of marriage wrecks good couples.

I have a lady friend who claims to have been celebate for 19 years. Personally I could never do that! (Well, maybe I could at my age.) But I love her dearly and she has been the center of my emotional life for more than that. I know that she was promiscuous in her younger years. Do you think she just told me that to discourage any sex with her?

I would like to chime in here and repeat what others have said "If this works for you and your wife -- more power to the both of you"; to each his own.<br />
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My wife and I have been married almost 49 years and I cannot get as much sex as I would like. I could never live in a celibate relationship. There has been no discussion about the health benefits of regular sexual relations but at least for men, this is huge! The closeness that a woman feels from regular coupling is enormous inasmuch it strengthens her well being and self esteem. This is why bad or selfish sex is not good for either partner and begs the dissolution of that union.<br />
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I wish you the best.

First of all I will COMMEND you for such a thing. While I would never do it myself I think it's good that you and your wife can do it and still love each other so much. I'm not going to tell you that you're crazy or that I'd die that way. I think that you're doing something that requires more strength and understanding than most of us have, which is why most people on here seem to shun the idea or be incredulous. I can't imagine the intimacy you two must feel - it must be so different from what any of us experience.<br />
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That said, I personally could never do that. I am a girl who prefers actions over words and a physical connection is a very deep and meaningful thing for me. I could not go my whole life without letting my future husband touch me simply because it is a way for me to show him how deeply I feel. <br />
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Much luck to you with this. I hope you can keep up the same relationship you have now and prove some people wrong!

If it works for you and your wife, and you have a successful retionship. then kudos.<br />
I think if the celibacy is one sided then you have problems. but shared initmacy doesn't necessarily mean dominance. that's it's own thing.

"as a result of male biology, if adult men aren't sexually active, they have to "clear out" somehow, either through ************ or wet dreams, neither of which are particularly fun or pleasant (with the exception being if you do this to p0rn, which I equate with infidelity)."<br />
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That simply isn't true...*********** is pleasant no matter what. True...it is more pleasant when watching p0rn, but the sensation of *********** is ALWAYS pleasant.

jadedchick16, your comments are a perfect example of why people are so confused about sex and why this section is so shocking and confusing. If you are not enjoying it, DON'T DO IT!!!! Do not blame someone for your choice. If he wants demeaning and painful sex he needs to find someone else who enjoys the same. If you want sex that's enjoyable to you and doesn't cause you pain find someone who cares if you are satisfied, don't blame sex for your silence and passiveness!!! <br />
Sex is blamed for so much that it has nothing to do with. Blaming the divorce rate and boredom in marriage on having sex with the same person you love over and over??????!?!!!!??? Is this serious??!!

I could never have sexual relations with someone who was rude and demeaing. It doesn't sound like that relationship is good for you at all, jadedchick16.

fascinating, I wish you would tell this to my boyfriend. I hate having sexual relations with him, he can be so rude and demeaning when I am doing something with him that causes me pain and embarassment.

That's awesome that it's working out so well for you. Do you have other forms of physical intimacy? I don't know if I even want a sex-marriage, but I don't think I could handle not being able to hug and cuddle with my partner.

I think everyone's need and desire for sex is different. It's great that you and your wife have a happy marriage. The key is that it works for both of you.

yes balance is harmony, sex addict to celebate, if you two match, it's the key to success

I think you give sex and even intimacy a bad rap here. Self-discipline and respect are not to be discouraged, but if I didn't have at least some form of intimacy with my husband I would feel estranged, unloved and devalued as a wife. True, sex is not and should not be the sole focus of marriage, but it plays a major part in keeping closeness and contentedness in a marriage. It is not true that women become uninterested in sex, they just don't want to do it every night like they did in the honeymoon stage- they're content with it being a special, "every-once-in-a-while" thing. Most people who live in sexless marriages really, really don't want to be in one. It takes a huge toll. <br />
As a final point, and I don't mean to be rude, crude or irreverent here: as a result of male biology, if adult men aren't sexually active, they have to "clear out" somehow, either through ************ or wet dreams, neither of which are particularly fun or pleasant (with the exception being if you do this to p0rn, which I equate with infidelity). Wouldn't you rather be doing this with the woman you love, the woman you've promised to spend the rest of your life with? Why waste every opportunity for what is truly a beautiful, God-given act of love and devotion?

i've been in two abstinent long term relationships in my life and neither man "cleared" himself out. If he is not interested in that kind of "release," he just isn't, whether it's his hand or you.

This is just a thought but what if one day you found out that your wife did actually have a sexual outlet. Maybe a freaky one like leaning against the washer while it runs. Or maybe she is gay but cant bear to realize it? The point is I could go without sleep but I dont - thats cause im not afraid to dream.

That was my initial thought too (as the previous commenter). My husband and I have done that without even trying, with life getting in the way. We discovered we both became quite tense. It's amazing that the two of you haven't killed each other.

I'm a woman I think that is absolutely horrible! I would die without sexual affection from my husband. I would go crazy and would be so tense that we would argue like crazy but hey...whatever makes your boat float

It is terrible, it makes you feel like an old ugly nun.