I Appreciate The Therapy
Life was sucking like it had never sucked before and I was dealing with the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with in my life. That's including death in the family, divorce, single parenthood, etc, etc. In other words this was not my first rodeo. But I know now just how extremely clueless I really was when I made my choice. I couldn't have imagined what I had in store.
Now, I'm not saying that I wouldn't do it all again because truth be told I would do it exactly the same. It just would have been so much scarier to make the choice had I known that I would be driven to the brink of sanity and beyond. All kidding aside, my very faith in the existance of any kind of higher power dwindled to almost nothing and I felt hopelessness like never before. I'd changed everything in my life in the course of one day. I had to because it was a choice between extending a life line to four of my grandchildren or continuing on with the business of securing my future. I was doing well, just getting going good with my new business when I found my daughter living in a crack motel with three of my granddaughters, ages l5, 9, and 5. The girls were free to roam the streets of the neighborhood and they did. My grandson had moved in with a friend and was a 14 year old dropout selling pot for survival. Of course I'd do it again.
Good intentions aside, reality quickly set in once I got the four little streetwise, never-heard-tell-of-a-rule-in-their-lives, darlin's home. The honeymoon lasted about a week and then all hell broke loose. Now, I was one of the lucky ones whose parents are still married to this day and they spent their lives raising five kids and there's not one criminal in the bunch. We're all pretty decent people because our parents raised us up to be decent and wouldn't allow anything else. Ethics, morals, decency, right and wrong and all of that kind of stuff were the subjects of our lessons. What I'm trying to say is that I was the polar opposite of 'streetwise' and I was in for a sniff of coffee like has never awakened me before! OMG!! The stories I can tell! But since I am currently in self administered therapy to be able to forget most of these traumatic stories, I won't be going there right now. I'll save them for purging at some later date. After the first two years went by and we were still dealing with the concept of 'there is a boss and I am it, we do have rules, and yes, you do have to obey them', I was just about ready to pull my hair out. It sounds so basic, but you wouldn't believe....
There came a time, right after the oldest girl kicked me in the head because she was on phone restriction, when I was furious at God for putting a load on me that I could not possibly continue to bear alone. I was angry because the task was one for which I must not be the right person for the job because -- well --couldn't He see that I was failing and failing badly???? I wanted out but I'd never give up! My emotions were engaged in a never ending war among themselves. I was cracking mentally, I was physically exhausted, and I was spiritually bankrupt. I cried out in anger to God to show himself if he did exist because I needed to know RIGHT NOW! I wanted to know WHY! WHY would my life be turned upside down and scrambled into a hopeless mess that I'd never be able to straighten out? WHY does it have to be harder than I can stand? WHY!? WHY!?
Shortly after I calmed down from my hysterical antics I selected from my book shelves a large three ring notebook containing a collection of my writings over the years. I hadn't written in it or even picked it up in several years and I flipped it open to read my words from my past. It opened to a page upon which I had written a prayer two years before I brought the children home to live with me. In my prayer I had asked God for three things. I asked that my life be used to make a difference in someone's life other than my own, I asked that my life would be interesting, and I asked that I would be made strong. I could not believe what I was reading. Right there in black and white was my long forgotten prayer telling me EXACTLY WHY. Every single thing that I had asked for had been brought into my life. WOW! I just felt like....WOW!
It's been another two years since I found my lost prayer and guess what...differences have been made in lives besides my own. My grandson graduated from high school, joined the Army and got married. My oldest granddaughter who is learning disabled and has behavioral issues has two years of therapy under her belt and continues to get the assistance she needs. She has moved out and is in a good situation where she is thriving and is with people who love her and willingly sacrifice to help. As for the two granddaughters still with me -- it's looking good.
I think I'll write another prayer for what I'd like things to be like in two more years.
Now, I'm not saying that I wouldn't do it all again because truth be told I would do it exactly the same. It just would have been so much scarier to make the choice had I known that I would be driven to the brink of sanity and beyond. All kidding aside, my very faith in the existance of any kind of higher power dwindled to almost nothing and I felt hopelessness like never before. I'd changed everything in my life in the course of one day. I had to because it was a choice between extending a life line to four of my grandchildren or continuing on with the business of securing my future. I was doing well, just getting going good with my new business when I found my daughter living in a crack motel with three of my granddaughters, ages l5, 9, and 5. The girls were free to roam the streets of the neighborhood and they did. My grandson had moved in with a friend and was a 14 year old dropout selling pot for survival. Of course I'd do it again.
Good intentions aside, reality quickly set in once I got the four little streetwise, never-heard-tell-of-a-rule-in-their-lives, darlin's home. The honeymoon lasted about a week and then all hell broke loose. Now, I was one of the lucky ones whose parents are still married to this day and they spent their lives raising five kids and there's not one criminal in the bunch. We're all pretty decent people because our parents raised us up to be decent and wouldn't allow anything else. Ethics, morals, decency, right and wrong and all of that kind of stuff were the subjects of our lessons. What I'm trying to say is that I was the polar opposite of 'streetwise' and I was in for a sniff of coffee like has never awakened me before! OMG!! The stories I can tell! But since I am currently in self administered therapy to be able to forget most of these traumatic stories, I won't be going there right now. I'll save them for purging at some later date. After the first two years went by and we were still dealing with the concept of 'there is a boss and I am it, we do have rules, and yes, you do have to obey them', I was just about ready to pull my hair out. It sounds so basic, but you wouldn't believe....
There came a time, right after the oldest girl kicked me in the head because she was on phone restriction, when I was furious at God for putting a load on me that I could not possibly continue to bear alone. I was angry because the task was one for which I must not be the right person for the job because -- well --couldn't He see that I was failing and failing badly???? I wanted out but I'd never give up! My emotions were engaged in a never ending war among themselves. I was cracking mentally, I was physically exhausted, and I was spiritually bankrupt. I cried out in anger to God to show himself if he did exist because I needed to know RIGHT NOW! I wanted to know WHY! WHY would my life be turned upside down and scrambled into a hopeless mess that I'd never be able to straighten out? WHY does it have to be harder than I can stand? WHY!? WHY!?
Shortly after I calmed down from my hysterical antics I selected from my book shelves a large three ring notebook containing a collection of my writings over the years. I hadn't written in it or even picked it up in several years and I flipped it open to read my words from my past. It opened to a page upon which I had written a prayer two years before I brought the children home to live with me. In my prayer I had asked God for three things. I asked that my life be used to make a difference in someone's life other than my own, I asked that my life would be interesting, and I asked that I would be made strong. I could not believe what I was reading. Right there in black and white was my long forgotten prayer telling me EXACTLY WHY. Every single thing that I had asked for had been brought into my life. WOW! I just felt like....WOW!
It's been another two years since I found my lost prayer and guess what...differences have been made in lives besides my own. My grandson graduated from high school, joined the Army and got married. My oldest granddaughter who is learning disabled and has behavioral issues has two years of therapy under her belt and continues to get the assistance she needs. She has moved out and is in a good situation where she is thriving and is with people who love her and willingly sacrifice to help. As for the two granddaughters still with me -- it's looking good.
I think I'll write another prayer for what I'd like things to be like in two more years.
By:
honeybit
Age:
56-60
,
Female
