Im Gay And Proud But Facing Difficulties

I am nineteen years old and gay. I used to have a problem with myself being gay, because in middle school I tried to talk to people about it and they made me hate myself. I was depressed all through middle school and high school. People made me so insecure and everyday I felt suicidal. I either wanted to kill myself or runaway. My household wasnt a very nice place to be. My father is an alcoholic. A major alcoholic. He gets very violent and it is constant. He drinks at least five times a week and heavily. Life was hard growing up and now I believe it made me a stronger person. I am so proud to be gay and to be myself. I dont care what other people think of me anymore. I still am very insecure, but I love myself for who I am. People always tell me Im good looking and they think I want attention because I don't find myself attractive. It is not that at all. I don't go around saying it all the time to people or anything. But anyway when I came out to everyone, meaning my family too, things werent good. Me and my dad already dont get along at all, and I didn't care about him at all. And after I came out he told me that I was a piece of **** and going to hell. Then he continued and told me that there was no way I was his kid because there was no way he could have a *** as a son. Even though I dont like him, it still hurt somewhere inside. It brought me back to my low days. I didnt get upset in front of him, but at night I still cry myself to sleep. I alway wish that I had a father who I could talk to, who I could look at and not be unhappy. I wish I had a father who was there for me, who didn't put me through hell my whole life. But I know I didnt have that and I won't have that so I have to deal with it. And yet I still cry myself to sleep. Just last week my father was drunk, as usual. And he was being very violent. He ended up getting in my face and yelling at me and hitting me and we got into a fist fight. The next night he was drunk again and we got into another fight. This night he hit my mom and I jumped in and got physical with him. I always have been there to defend my mom. And the day after that he got drunk and physical again and he hit my mom and then me as I went to defend her so I got him pinned down to the ground and we called the police on him. He ended up going to jail and now we are waiting for his sentence to see what will happen to him. He is getting charged with domestic violence, once again, but if the judge doesnt make him go to rehab then I don't know what will happen. He has been to jail a few times and when he gets out things just get worse. We told the judge last time to give him rehab, but they still didnt. I am already moved out of the house. I just hate worrying about my mom living with him. She got herself stuck in a bad situation with him because she depends on him for money right now. Things arent good at all. It is much easier for her to say she will leave him, rather than her actually leaving him. I pray he gets rehab. Its just so much going on. And on top of this stuff I was in a relationship with a guy for six months and we broke up. I broke up with him because he lied to me about various things and I couldnt trust him. Plus we got into a few bad fights and he started to get violent with me. And now we are talking and he wants to get back together, but I dont know if I could be with him again. I lost so much for him and a lot of the attraction for him when he got aggressive and mean with me because he said such hurtful things and was so mean. And the attraction hasnt came back so I told him that I couldnt go back out with him. I dont know. Everything is just so much. I feel like running away. Oh and it is him who I live with since I have moved out of my house. Im just getting really depressed again and I hate feeling this way. I am wanting to run away again. I just want to be happy and I dont know if that can happen with me. I believe I am meant to be sad. Some people will be happy and others cant. I think I wont find anyone for me. I think I will be alone and it does scare me. I dont think I will ever truly be happy. I know how to put on a fake smile pretty well and to pretend like nothing is wrong. That is my life. It always has been. I wont know how it feels to not pretend that I am happy.
LittleMonster22 LittleMonster22
Aug 8, 2010