Tried Thinking of Myself -- Privately -- As a Girl Once

I haven't thought about this experience for a very long time.  Probably because it happened in ninth grade, twenty-five years ago. 

I was one of the less popular kids in my class.  I struggled with keeping my chin up on a daily basis.  Anyway, not because I thought being a girl was actually better or easier, I just decided to spend a few days, maybe it was a whole week, mentally imagining I was one.  As the days passed, I started asking myself what I would try to do to get the attention of the boys in my classes; what qualities I liked most about them; which ones were nice and funny and genuinely interesting, as opposed to just being buffoons; and even -- believe it or not -- which one had the best *** (and why)? 

It was, like, a bunch of mental lists. 

I had to remind myself that I couldn't just throw myself at them, the same way a boy would grovel at a girl's feet, if he thought it would help.  Being female, I quickly understood, didn't make that an issue.  Sex could be mine for the taking, if that's what I wanted.  Wasn't there more to it than that, though, I asked myself?  What was missing?

Outwardly, I started acting more demure and "proper," and to be presentable, instead of my usual, slovenly self.  I started deferring decisions to the other guys, too.  I noted, and started parroting, how the girls, literally, stopped talking as discussions wound up.  It seemed more important to a girl, I realized -- since I noticed how important it was to guys' egos -- to let a boy have the final say during question-and-answer, and classroom debates.  I noted, too, the couple of boys who usually got the last word in, and was intrigued by why it was them, and not someone else.

I also paid more attention to how the boys watched the girls in my classes, vis-a-vis, where did they sit, who sat closer to which girls (or was it the other way around?), and was it the same in other classes they shared?  I finally got frustrated with that, too.  What they hell could he see in this or that hapless bimbo, who showed all the complexity and intelligence of a fruit-cake?  I'm here, too, you know?   (I was cautious not to drive myself crazy over this, of course.  They never would look at me as a girl, anyway.  It was hopeless -- which was even more frustrating.  I was trying my best to convince my mind that I was a girl.  And, as I girl, I wanted those boys to turn their heads MY way, too!)

Since I wasn't popular, anyway, I doubted anyone really noticed any difference in me that week, except that I finally shut up more, like my peers kept telling me to.  No one said anything about it, at any rate.

One thing I didn't try during that week was to tease or make fun of the boys.  That would have been just too risky.  It was one thing to silently imagine I was female, even quietly behave like one.  To try to emulate their phrases -- if I could -- would have carried the game too far.  I couldn't risk having my precarious status in class get any worse.

I don't know if this is a good assessment of how I would be if I was female for one week.  The experience, as I've said, happened a long time ago.  And, I don't know if I've described what I can still remember about it very intelligibly.  Aside from that week in school, I haven't wondered what I'd be like if I was female.  And what I've written, above, that mental exercise I played, may have just reflected how I perceived our culture's biases.  For all I know, I may have done little else than get in touch in my feminine side. 

UnderEli UnderEli
46-50, M
6 Responses Jun 7, 2009

Not knowing this person at all, it's impossible for me to say. It sounds like you don't have to worry, since there aren't any male cheerleaders at your school. At worst, she may keep rubbing your nose in it . . . Until she loses the next bet you make with her.

Great story. I hope I dont have to learn more about this. <br />
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I lost a bet to a cheerleader named Cathy at my school I said girls can't beat guys in sports and cheerleading isn't a sport.<br />
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If I beat her in basketball she had to be my maid all year, but she beat me, so now she gets to make me into a cheerleader any way she wants.<br />
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Do u think she'll just forget about the bet or what do u think she'll make me wear and do for it?

Very well put. Thanks, again, for your feedback.

I've always been "my own woman" - we are all works in progress - learning and evolving day to day - respect from others is important but respect for yourself is paramount.<br />
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Nothing wrong with the girl-watching either - enjoy!

Thanks for your feedback, womaninbliss. I've been in a place, for many years now, where I am myself. I don't know if that makes me stand out. Most of the time it isn't that important whether I do or not. But I certainly stand up for who I am, for my beliefs and values. I don't insist on, but do appreciate being respected for that. I'm a constant learner, too. Not every second of every day, but it would not be incorrect to call myself, still, at 40-years-old, a work in progress.<br />
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As for the stereotypical male behaviors, I don't participate in any of that, with the exception of girl-watching. Not leering. Just looking. Sometimes smiling at. But not winking or wolf-whistling.

I found your story and your observations very interesting. Thanks for sharing. One of the lessons you probably learned from this (perhaps) is that it is important to stand out and be yourself - a lot of these stereotypical female behaviours (and male ones of course too) are just too tedious - just game playing. Think and behave "outside the box" and you will certainly get notices in my experience.<br />
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Love to you.