Tried Thinking of Myself -- Privately -- As a Girl Once
I haven't thought about this experience for a very long time. Probably because it happened in ninth grade, twenty-five years ago.
I was one of the less popular kids in my class. I struggled with keeping my chin up on a daily basis. Anyway, not because I thought being a girl was actually better or easier, I just decided to spend a few days, maybe it was a whole week, mentally imagining I was one. As the days passed, I started asking myself what I would try to do to get the attention of the boys in my classes; what qualities I liked most about them; which ones were nice and funny and genuinely interesting, as opposed to just being buffoons; and even -- believe it or not -- which one had the best *** (and why)?
It was, like, a bunch of mental lists.
I had to remind myself that I couldn't just throw myself at them, the same way a boy would grovel at a girl's feet, if he thought it would help. Being female, I quickly understood, didn't make that an issue. Sex could be mine for the taking, if that's what I wanted. Wasn't there more to it than that, though, I asked myself? What was missing?
Outwardly, I started acting more demure and "proper," and to be presentable, instead of my usual, slovenly self. I started deferring decisions to the other guys, too. I noted, and started parroting, how the girls, literally, stopped talking as discussions wound up. It seemed more important to a girl, I realized -- since I noticed how important it was to guys' egos -- to let a boy have the final say during question-and-answer, and classroom debates. I noted, too, the couple of boys who usually got the last word in, and was intrigued by why it was them, and not someone else.
I also paid more attention to how the boys watched the girls in my classes, vis-a-vis, where did they sit, who sat closer to which girls (or was it the other way around?), and was it the same in other classes they shared? I finally got frustrated with that, too. What they hell could he see in this or that hapless bimbo, who showed all the complexity and intelligence of a fruit-cake? I'm here, too, you know? (I was cautious not to drive myself crazy over this, of course. They never would look at me as a girl, anyway. It was hopeless -- which was even more frustrating. I was trying my best to convince my mind that I was a girl. And, as I girl, I wanted those boys to turn their heads MY way, too!)
Since I wasn't popular, anyway, I doubted anyone really noticed any difference in me that week, except that I finally shut up more, like my peers kept telling me to. No one said anything about it, at any rate.
One thing I didn't try during that week was to tease or make fun of the boys. That would have been just too risky. It was one thing to silently imagine I was female, even quietly behave like one. To try to emulate their phrases -- if I could -- would have carried the game too far. I couldn't risk having my precarious status in class get any worse.
I don't know if this is a good assessment of how I would be if I was female for one week. The experience, as I've said, happened a long time ago. And, I don't know if I've described what I can still remember about it very intelligibly. Aside from that week in school, I haven't wondered what I'd be like if I was female. And what I've written, above, that mental exercise I played, may have just reflected how I perceived our culture's biases. For all I know, I may have done little else than get in touch in my feminine side.