Its Over

Im hoping that people will understand and not make mean comments and put me down… I get that a lot for trusting people… but here goes

My depression began a long time ago, in elementary school. My friends were ignoring me as usual for no apparent reason, all because one of them controlled the whole group and every time she got mad at me, she would tell the rest of my friends to ignore me, and being as cruel as they were, they always listened to her. When I was three my dad also left and my mom kept telling me that he would always find excuses to not have to take care of me when they were together. Then later I got into middle school, which started my serious depression. My friends were still the same, ignoring me because they think that I wanted all the attention (which wasnt true because they rarely talked to me anyway). Everyday I would ask to go to the bathroom just so I could cry. Then it wasnt until later that year when I got diabetes. I went home early on a friday, and the following monday I was passed out on my bedroom floor apparently with my eyes rolled to the back of my head. I woke up in the hospital out of a three day coma surviving from a blood sugar of 1,150. The time in the hospital is when I really wished I was dead, because my blood wasnt flowing right so they had to stick me with an I.V. several times. It was pure torture. I finally went back to school after three weeks. Nobody bothered to ask what happened. Nobody cared. They just said: “Oh you’re back.” Then later I got kicked out of school for missing to many days, and was sent to a continuation school. Later during my age between 12 and 13 My mom got married to my stepdad who I HATE. He was abusive in many ways. Verbally, physically, and at one point,  sexually. One specific day he molested me, I couldnt fight back because he weighs pretty much 300 pounds and I only weighed 110. Later on I made it to high school where I made a lot of new friends, though I didnt tell them how much I was suffering and what went on, they were still better friends than I used to have. I met my friend ryan who actually became my boyfriend. We have been together for over a year now, but he still doesnt understand how I feel sometimes. In high school I also made a great new friend named savannah. She too was suffering, she had been like me, cutting to hide her pain, and later during christmas last year, she killed herself and pretty much left me emotionally distraught. Even now I cant get over it. She stood in front of a moving train and killed herself. But there was a difference, yes she was bullied and had issues as a kid, but there were TONS of other people who actually cared about her. More than I had. So many people knew her and showed up to her funeral. If I were dead, not even half the people would show up to my funeral… not even close to half. I had other friends but most of them were like my old ones. Whenever they would text me, I would respond, then they would never respond back, and I couldnt rely on them for anything and I would usually have to find out from someone else that they were talking crap behind my back. And now this very day I still try to kill myself, hoping that all this pain will go away. I cant quit cutting because if I do I will have a panic attack until I cut again. Im still attempting suicide but I cant seem to get away with it. I also forgot to mention that we live with my grandma now because my dad stopped paying child support and we couldnt afford our condo anymore so we had to move in with her. Its also not fair that everyone else gets a bed while I sleep on the couch. I know some of these things seem really stupid to complain about and I hate complaining and annoying people so its hard to just spill my guts out without someone judging me or wanting to send me to the wacky shack. But a list of all my attempt’s are:

       1. Trying to hang myself – But couldnt find a big enough rope or anything to support my weight

        2. Trying get hit by a city bus – The damn thing stopped and let me go

        3. Trying to run in the street in general and get hit by a lot of cars – My boyfriend stopped me

        4. Trying to cut my vein with a knife – My mom almost caught me

        5. Trying to jump off a parking structure – I think it had five levels until the top. which is a lot of cars. Basically I have been making so many attemps, but I cant get away with them. I am hoping that people wont take this as a joke. Most people would say things like: “Get over it” or “Thats dumb and not enough to kill yourself over, other people have it worse than you” or “I know you, and you wont kill yourself, you just want attention.” or something like “You’re selfish, think about the people who care about you.” or they say things like ”Sure be a ***** and take the easy way out.”  Sometimes they even get really mad and stop talking to me. I’m sick of people thinking I’m a joke and never taking me seriously, I’m at my breaking point and I’m just ready to die. I cant stand every passing day of anxiety, depression, and so many days where I just get up and feel sick to my stomach, or like nothing is real. I dont understand why so many people hate me… I didnt do anything wrong… I hope nobody here judges me.  I cant take anymore yelling and criticising… I just cant.. Hopefully someone will understand? I also forgot to mention some secrets, its true, I am also extremely bi-polar, I cry very easily, I have anxiety, and paranoia, I dont like to say these things because others hate people like me who have illnesses…
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2 Responses Jul 13, 2010

im not sure i understand. do you or do you not want to die? you hate alot of your life, but i think if you hate all of it you wouldve been gone list all these attempts when in my eyes if yore determined suicide can be a very easy task. guns and asphyxiation are the to on my list. that i would do. if i didnt have family.. <br />
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so ive never attempted. <br />
but it runs thru my mind alot.

Hang in there.... you did really well for getting all that off your chest. I know how hard it is to come to terms with an illness yourself let alone having to deal with other people's judgements. Keep looking for people you can trust.... they are out there.