My Life Is Pointless

To start off, I suffer from extreme depression, and i am bi-polar.

My mind focuses on one thing, and that thing only... END IT!  Just kill myself, and get out of my missery. My life has never been great, i guess the first time things got bad was 2nd grade. I had few friends, no one to talk to, and hated my life. I tried to do good in school, but i have no motivation. My younger years are hard to remember and talk about. So, lets move on to Middle School. Sixth grade was a year I thought my life was gonna get better. WRONG! My only friend that actually listened and cared... died. She got raped, shot, and her body was dumped in a river. I found out and didnt talk to anyone or leave my room, besided school for two weeks. I went to her funeral, and man there was alot of friends there. I know if I had killed myself, that wouldve never happened. No funeral, probally just dumped at the local land fill. Oh well, atleast I would be dead. Well along came 7th grade, and i started cutting. I had to go to the hospital four times that year to get stitched up. Then, 8th grade. I hit rock bottom, I attempted suicide and failed. (I will list attempts after story)
I havent noted this in the story, but my parents are abusive, and hate me. Ive been hit, slaped, beat, yelled at, any thing imaginable. Well, at the time, I lived with my dad, because my mom is in jail after shooting me. (Yes, she really shot me, went to the hospital, and went to dads) I hate my dad, he is a abusive, drunk bastard. He has never cared about me, and yells at me non-stop. I have run away several times, but the one time that really was bad, was when me and my dad got into a huge fight. He yelled, I yelled back and ran off to my room. He actually came in my room, beat me until i was bruised, and yelled at me some more. Well since i have done this before, i had a bag packed, grabbed it and ran away. I stayed away for 12 days, before a cop picked me up, after i ran when he tryed to question me. So I sat and cryed in jail for a while, until i was put into a foster home. By the time all of this was done, it was the summer before 9th grade. There I sat in the foster home, alone, depressed, and thinking of yet another suicide attempt. Because, i didnt want go to the hospital, i knew if i just beat myself up i wouldnt have to. So thats what i did, i hit walls, broke things on my head, and burnt myself. (Not enough to go to the hospital)
Well I know my story is hard to follow, but i just dont like to talk about it, but i had to get this off my chest.
I know have adoptive parents, who are great and have gotten my proper help. I am still finding ways to commit suicide, but not everyday.

Although, my suicide attempts were not listed in the story: I attempted several times, Here is the list.....

Hanging myself: Foster mom, stopped me.
Stabbing myself in the heart:  Missed by like an inch cause i was scared and didnt aim or anything.
Getting hit by a car: just didnt kill me
Overdose: The doctors saved me... Damn!
Starvation: Admitted to hospital were the doctors once again..... saved me.

Shooting myself would be almost certain death, but as i cannot get a hold of a gun..... I cant shoot myself

If you read this,
Thanks for reading.... If you dont feel bad for me, good im not asking that. I just thought maybe if i type about it, it would make me feel a little bit better, as i am trying to change my life.

surferboy2888 surferboy2888
6 Responses Jul 20, 2010

hey mate, I need to take my own advice here but don't forget about the ocean! you are young and things seem hard but it's just about finding the little things. have you thought about going to your foster parents and telling them you want to get some assistance? that's what I'm doing right now. sometimes we need help to see the way forward because we can't see it on our own.

oh my god that is just so sad, i am crying right now i realy wish i knew how to say what i want to, but i realy realy do want to help you, i know i probale cant, i was wondering if maby you would help me, for my gcse i need to make a presentation, and i realy want people to know about this, to know that these things actoualy do happen and this isnt something to be forgotten, thank you so much and p;ease PLEASE take care of yourself xxxx

Please surfer boy join my group because my youngest daughter has ran away and committed several juvenile acts. Maybe I can help you and you can help me. By the way, after all of those attempts to end your life don't you get it as of yet? It is not your time to go hon!!!! God has a purpose for your life and He loves you and cares. Please, please get on your knees tonight and ask God to forgive you of your sins and to save your soul because if you die not knowing Christ you will face a much more worst fate. I will be praying for you<br />
<br />
Hugssss from me to you = )<br />
<br /> (survivors of suicide) you can also create your own group on this site. blessings.

hi surfer boy. I am in the midst of completing my Master's Degree in the field of counseling studies and your story/experience could enhance my studies while also shedding some light on a more personal issue. Can you please join my group at www.dailystrength,org ( survivors of suicide)? I must complete an assigned task by 7-29-10 thursday. thank you<br />
<br />
I hope to gain a better understanding of this type of matter and maybe we can help one another when it comes down to suicide. Hopefully you have someone you can talk to and God is someone Who can heal and help.

ineedaherotosavemenow - Thanks for your concern, and im happy to know that im understood. I will definately talk to you if i need to.

I understand like everything youve been through. except i went to jail for domestic violence cause my mom hit me. and i hit her back. I also..and i pop pills, and drink. I was in abusive homes when in foster care and adopted into one. and i know what u mean when you say you have no motivation. Its extremly hard to understand unless your going through i didnt have the motivation to take a shower....I am schitzo effective bipolar disorder...i have both characteristics of schizophrenia and bipolar. I see that your crying out for help. And i am extremly proud of you. If you want we can talk. ill be the person there for u when u need it the most...if u want me to be.. just add me.