The Thought

I see what you mean!!



I dont agree on Suicide being the "right permanent" solution though. It is just as meaningless as existence. -1 person makes no difference, neither does +1. We just make ourselves important, but we really are not, none of us. In the bigger scheme (if there is one) we play no role.



Stay in touch.

@Sonic46: That was quite a lot to read. Don't misunderstand me, I loved the fact that you wrote that all :)



Guess I didn't really understand what drunk driving can do to a person, thank you for sharing. Most people I know shrug it off as something inevitable, so I don't put much thought behind it.



The problem I have with religion is that it doesn't hold any answers. At least not for me; you can be as religious as you want, I just never felt God's will or anything like that.



And yes, suicide is a permanent solution, but I do believe it is the right one sometimes. I'm still struggling every day with dark thoughts. I don't think I'll ever get rid of them; but that's okay. I'm learning to deal with all the pain, so I suppose I should learn to deal with the pain of those thoughts as well? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like I'm always dealing with pain and never with happiness.



Sure, I can enjoy myself, but only for small periods of time. Not having felt happiness in 3-4 years could kill a man. Still, I'm still here. Just not sure yet if I should be happy at that or not. :)

@Aerugo: The past year or so I felt unworthy and useless. Felt like I was a complete, old loser. All I did was suck air and take up space. I felt old, ugly, stupid and a waste of space...who could ever love me. I took every negative thing someone said to me and about me to heart and internalized it and made it personal. I pushed anyone that cared about me or showed interest in me away at arms length.



I slowly and unwittingly put my self on a path of self destruction...starting being very dark, very negative, scared alot of my friends off and then wound up with a 2nd DUI this past April. For the first two months after I got the DUI, I got enough meds from my doctor to level me out and permanently lay me out if necessary. I was so humiliated, embarrassed and I hid from all my friends and family because I couldnt face them...I felt like I had completely ruined any future I had at my college educated, intelligent 46 yr old self.



I sat many days, not being able to sleep staring at the those pill bottles thinking the pain could be all over in a matter of minutes...but I just couldnt do it. Then I would feel like a coward that I couldnt do something so simple as swallow a few bottles of pills and go to sleep for good.



I havent been a real religous person but do believe in a higher power. One day I got home from work, went into my room, cried for hours before I realized my roommate had bought and place a bible on my nightstand with my name engraved on it and just a few sayings on a piece of paper.



At first I didnt really know what to think or do. I read a few of the sayings and they kind of made sense. There have been many times in life where I should not have still been alive....then it hit me....I have a reason and a purpose for still being on this Earth.



For the first time in a decade.....I prayed. For strength, for courage, for Faith and for redemption. I prayed every morning and before bed...nothing too long but just to please give me strength and help me have Faith.



After a few days...I felt calmer (not totally), shared my secret wth a few of my close friends and they did not judge me for my poor decision. Then slowly but surely....things started to change. I realized my friend love me, they helped me out with rides and going places to have some fun and I realized....I am good person who made a poor decision....what other people think or said didnt matter anymore. There is nothing wrong with who I am.



Then as my court date for my 2nd DUI approached I starting getting depressed again because the prosecutor was playing hardball....it looked hopeless. Then last thursday...my attorney called and the prosecutor just folded...willing to just give me first time offenders minimum sentence, no jail, just fines and classes and I already have my hardship license.....to me...it is nothing short of a miracle. If I do everything they tell me to do and on time....all this will be behind me by the end of the year. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen the way it has.



Everyone has their A-HA moment in life....and the 2nd DUI was mine. I think I am getting more positive than negative from it. It has been alife changer and for the better. My friends are telling me I am the person I used to be back in the day....that I am completely different and in a good way.



Plus I have realized suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem



Good luck to you!

Thanks for the comments. :)



@meldysparks: Why would your life be over if you got arrested for drunk driving?



@lifeisworthliving: Yes, I know what you mean about weak moments. When I wrote this, it was a weak moment and I came close to trying again. Funny enough, I've had the shittiest week, yet still I feel happy I'm alive. It comes and goes and I wish you good luck in your fight.

ive beenthinking about suicide as well. i was arrest for drinking and driving and its scares me to death that my whole live might be over....how is life worth living if onemistake ruins it all?

im 13 , i know what its like to want to kill yourself , when i was 9 my dad was in prison and my mother was a heavy drug addict , i hung my self but as i felt my life drifting away my mum came in screamed and then stopped it , my dad is now out of prison and i dont see my mother because of all the damage she has done , im happy that im not dead , i still have weak moments when i want to try again but after 2 years of counselling i can manage to stop the thoughts , i know someone who has self harmed and im trying to help them to make sure that she dosent do anything bad , you've got to try and find someone with the same expirences as you it helps , i know im young , but ive had alot more in the last 13 years than some 40 year olds have had in there entire life