Am I Wrong For Wanting To Escape From My Life?

In middle school, I didn't have 1 friend, didn't say a word to anybody. Literally. I remember one kid say hey to me and I said hi. I always spent my time thinking about high school and how I was going to be the popular girl, no matter what, I was going to make it happen. I became anorexic, lost 30 lbs. Gained a cute figure, I have big boobs, and a cute face. So, when I got into high school I did whatever it took to be popular. I starting drinking and doing drugs to be cool. I was called a **** before I even got my first kiss because I had "big boobs". I remember the first time I got sexually assaulted, I was kind of drunk and a kid carried me behind a building, while I kept telling him to bring me back to my friends and shoved my face in his crotch and kept telling me to suck. Then left me there to go back to his girlfriend. My mom got in a physical fight with me that night because I was late getting back to the car. The next time was the second time I had sex. I had to stay out with my aunt and this college kid was really nice with talking to me about my problems. He offered to come out to see me. He brought a bottle and I started drinking it to look cool and I was just talking about my problems. Next thing you know he was on top of me. I cried all that night. I thought it was my fault. He was still my friend though. The next time it happened was by him again, this time I distinctively made sure that it was a no, he lifted up my legs, pulled off my pants, it only lasted about 30 seconds. From there I lied low for a little bit. I was talking to his best friend I didn't want anyone to know. He always thought we were messing around, I couldn't tell him. Then summer came my Sophomore year. I tried pills for the first time and drank, blacked out and this kid did the same, we had sex. I told the guy I was talking to apologized and over the summer we didn't see each other. The next time it happened I went to a party. I was nervous, I took a bar, I could tell I was about to pass out from my drinking. The next day someone told me this kid started having sex with me when I was throwing up on a bed. He was sober. When I was passed out on a couch a kid stuck his **** in my mouth and they took pictures. People were telling me I had sex with 3 guys that night, but I was awake when the other guys tried to and I pushed them away. They left the room and told people we had sex. They still make fun of me for that. At the end of summer my dad was out of town I had 4 girls over and 2 guys. They wanted to drink and they got alcohol. The other girls passed out and the guys kept daring me to take more shots.I did. I went downstairs and I passed out on the kitchen floor. When I was passed out, they took off my clothes, took about 10 pictures each, and raped me. I'm pressing charges on those two but sometimes I can't deal with it. A lot of people support me, but then a lot of people support them too. Saying I did it to myself. The last time it happened, was Valentine's day. I was seeing the same guy again we were on and off for 20 months at the time. He was suppose to see me but was to high to. So my neighbor came over with his friend. They brought molly and alcohol. His friend didn't drink because he was gonna drive. I drank over half a makers mark bottle and they told me I snorted 6-10 grams of molly which is a lot. I had a blister in my nose and blood all over the sink. My neighbor had to go home, and instead of leaving the kid stayed. He started to make a move on me, and we had sex for about a minute but I kept saying my guy's name so he stopped because he felt bad. I told my guy the next day I felt horrible. He told me he hated me, how disgusting I was, how he never wanted to talk to me again, how horrible of a person I was. So after a full day of hearing the worst things from him I told him, I already felt like dying and the things he was saying made me want to do it. He told me "I don't know about hanging or drowning yourself. But, you could stick a toaster in the tub. Or if you overdose take 10 more pills than you think you should. Say hi to Will for me" (That was my best friend that committed suicide) So, I overdosed. He felt bad, I had to be in the hospital for 72 hours. He was asking one of my friends about a rumor and he started flirting with her. He said he was just messing around. When I got out he came over and told me how much he cared about me, how he couldn't be with another girl without thinking about me, I was the only one for him, that was the night I was gonna tell him I loved him. Everything was perfect. The next night, that girl he was flirting with, he picked up her and my other friend, brought them to his house and had sex with them both. The next day I knew something had happened and he told me. The girls came over the next night and my friend asked him to lie on the phone to me for her when I already knew the truth and he did. And had sex with her again. He begged for me back weeks later. Then became controlling, telling me if I got with another guy he'd kill me. I'd laugh it off and he'd say he was serious. Sometimes I'd refuse to have sex and then he'd say well I'm just gonna have to rape you. 2 out of the 3 times he said that, we had sex. Finally things ended, but I'm pretty sure that's because he went to a party and had sex with another girl. People always call me a ****, but nobody knows how much I cry about what has happened. I never wanted any of it to happen. I feel like people use me so much and then all they do is talk bad about me. A lot of people don't actually know me but they've heard of me and just assume I'm a huge ****. I want to kill myself so much. I'm so disgusted with myself. And honestly, I'm starting to believe them. Maybe it is just me, maybe I am just this horrible ****. That's all they can say about me, that and if you can pump enough drinks into her you can get what you want. I started drinking out of depression and if I'm drunk I physically can't stop drinking sometimes. I've worked on fixing those problems. But, nobody can let go of the past. I went from wishing someone knew my name to wishing I was the quiet girl in the back of the room. I think about suicide at least once an hour. I can't take it, and this isn't even the half of it...
UsedAbusedBroken UsedAbusedBroken
18-21
5 Responses May 17, 2012

its not your fault, dont feel bad for something that isnt your fault

I have been reading a few and glancing at the others' comments-- I just wonder whether or not what psychological treatment has been completed or seeked out. Because from this brief story, Combined with your Early demonstrated amazing strength, I know you can and will be able to separate your 'oldder unhealthy" person to a proud, Susseccful independent person with limitless potential !!!<br />
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When one is immersed involuntarily into a world of deBauchery, as soon as the drugs and deviant behavior return your mind to it's usual state, each person will soon realize that it was only their very own misery from which they were trying to escape.

Honey, I know how you feel. You are a beautiful person and these things that happened to you are not your fault. Do NOT blame yourself. Life can be so hard but just remember there are things to look forward to. I know I want to commit suicide and I am a hypocrite for saying these things but you are an amazing person and to have come this far and survived makes you a hero. Your story inspires me to keep going. If you ever need to talk I am here. I won't ever judge you. It can be so hard to trust people because with love comes loss. But stay strong because you are a beautiful, wonderful, person who is just going through a rough time. Please don't ever commit suicide because you deserve life and you mean something to someone and someone cares because I do. I loe you girly stay strong :) - B

Your story just about matches my freshman year in college. Sometimes life throws you a few curve balls and sometimes it just ******* rips your heart out and stomps all over it. But all this-it'll pass I promise you that. Screw popularity, its too difficult to maintain and you will end up making stupid decisions. Be you. Making friends or continuing a relationship is, to me, the hardest thing in the world. Weed them out, if you get a bad vibe, stay away from them! But through all of this madness, try and be happy. I know that in and of itself sounds crazy but I'm serious. Find a reason to smile, you matter to someone. Someone in this world was born to love you and forever love you.

Hey, its ok. I'm a sufferer of depression too. Its ok, your not worthless. You will get out of that school, and go to colledge, then uni, whatever it is u guys do in America, then you will get a great job and your life will completely turn around. Look at your friend Will, you dont want to be visiting them until your old and wrinkly. I know, im a massive hypocrite, i wanna kill myself tonight, but its not right. Thing will pass, time heals all wounds. I know i may not be of much help, i know what it's like when people tell me that things will get better, that "you will feel better in time". I wanna punch those people in the face. But just try to smile once in a while. :)