Attempted Suicide and why i have tried to end my life

 

My 1st Deepest Shame

i have attempted suicide atleast 8 times and i am only 15. i have overdosed on my physchotic meds atleast 3 times. i have put a bungee cord around my neck tight trying to hang myself. i have tried to cut my arm open and kill myself. i am really lonely and bitter and sad and i can never seem to be accepted by teens my age. which is weird cuz i am not gothic or anything i am just misunderstood. everyday when i walk the halls of my H.S i can hear ppl whispering about what i have done or how poor i am or just mean stuff. all day i sit and cower and just wish i would die becuase of the want to never have to show my face or my heart or emotions. cuz i am cowering in fear of someone finding the real me before i do. i have been searching for what seems forever to find happieness or atleast a sense of peace in my soul. i have used drugs and alcohol to try and escape my lonely nights and shameful days. i dont really knwo why i am so ashamed and bitter. my guess is that it deals with my ma and her terrible life story and me hearing of it constantly. BUT she has been thru more hel! than i have. she was raped by her uncles,step-brothers,great-uncles-,grandpa's,great-grandpa,great-great-grandpa,FATHER, cousins and so on from the age of 2 until 18. and GUESS WHAT? they aer still free men! no one believed her! cuz they were so perfect and that they were football stars,baseball stars,rich business man,family men,basketball stars, college men playing college football. THEN when me n my sis were about 2 & 4 my half-uncle raped me and my big sis and my ma went berserk and we were like disowned. BUT we could still live in the 5 acres. we usually lived in this half-a-house literally a half of a house!just the kitchen and livingroom, we had no heat there wasd this huge hole in the ceiling, we got electricity from extentsion cords and we usually used that for the winter electric blankets my ma got at a thrift store and a tv and christmas lights and a alarm clock and a lamp. then we would usually go steal food from my step-grandma when she was gone working and we would also take a shower too while she was gone. my family had to use the bathroom outside! literally on the ground! and leaves to wipe with! crazy huh? and dont diss my ma plz..she was like 17 and my dad had left her a$$ and she didnt haev anyone to help her pay bills or anything anywhere else. and when i wanted like burger king i would have to pull weeds and like dig in the garden and like pick up trash on the property and so on.. for like a whole day! for JUST ONE $1 BURGER! and get this...

My 2nd Deepest Shame

before my grandma died i went thru her purse and found a stack of $100 bills and it had atleast 18,000 dollars in that roll and there was still MORE! one of my greatest shames is that i stole like $750 from her i spent most of it on junk i wanted at walmart, BUT i also lied to my mom and said i found $150 at the school carnival and we went and bougth school clothes (which we dearly needed) and i think i sneaked about $125 in her purse when she was not looking (ya know a lil at a time). my greatest shame is that i never got the chance to say sorry for what i did before she died, BUT GET THIS someone stole the rest of her money! i do not know where she hid it.. i dont know maybe she hid it in one of the REALLY old houses on the property cuz she knew that not alot of ppl went in this one cuz it had poisonous snakes slithering around and it was all moldy and was like falling down and has poisonous spiders (alot of them), i went in ther tho a few times it had ALOT of cool old stuff like in the 1960's or older and like stuff from newer years. HAHA she wasa  pack rat, but she always kept cool stuff. lately i have been like covered in this DEEP shame cuz i haev been thinking SOOO MUCH about my past.

My 3rd Deepest Shame

when i was 13 1/2 or 13 3/4 i was pregnant and i did not even know it and i dont even knwo who the baby daddy would haev been... but um one night i went to this house with a girlfriend (just friend) of mine and we were supposed to ONLY drink budweiser and smoke weed and when we got there all they "supposidly" had was coke and i had never done it before. i got really high and drunk and when i am liek that ANYONE can do ANYTHING to me and i wont say ANYTHING. so um i was took by my hand by this guy and i guess he basically raped me...haha i am a dumba$$ huh? dont worry i know i am...or i was. well when he was done and i got up i found out that there was blood everywhere from ME. it was so muchblood that it had gone thru the comforter and sheets to the mattress. and when i went to the bathroom to clean up myself(after a bit of stumbling and almost falling down) i saw something like a fetus fall out..and i had saw my mom's miscarried baby like 5-6 yrs before that and i remembered what it looked like and it looked like hers...~one second~...needless to say i started crying and i cleaned up adn walked the like 10-12 blocks home. and when i got home i um cried and hid from my mom and i didnt tell anyone until i was 15 and in long-term care in a mental hospital. i was and still am ashamed of myself of that.

Conclusion About My Mistakes

YES i am not gonna lie,

i acted like a WH0RE back then but as of two yrs ago i have stopped doing drugs and as of 1 yr ago i have been celibate and yes these two factsdo drive me crazy. and yes i do think about drugs everyday and every hour of the day. i have made myself to like not speak to anyone in my school cuz like almost everyone does drugs or drinks or will get me back into the same old bad situations or even BACK into juvy(no thank you) i do not look like a bad girl but i am. i am a shy silent type and sweet and kinda innocent looking except when i am smoking a ciggerate ~um i should put out the one i am smoking right now huh?~  or arguing with my mom ~my mom, "YOU NEED TO CLEAN THAT D@MN ROOM!"~ me "MAA! I'LL DO IT LATER!"~ LOL~ or maybe our arguements are about me not taking my psycho meds.. wellll i dont really wanna take them anymore cuz i am kinda sick of them cuz since i started taking them when i was 11 (?) (maybe 12) i have gained about 200 pounds or MORE! OMG it sucks huh? i was a size 14 when i started taking this kind of meds and now i am a like size 24-26 (F#CKING CRAZY HUH?) and to me the only way i have ever sucessfully lost weight was when i was 14 (?) (sorry the age might be wrong..i kinda forget ALOT of my memories) and i was bulimic and anorexic at once.. i would starve myself all day except for orange juice or lemon water and take about 15 vitamin pills and 5 diet pills EVERYDAY and when i went home from school and ate dinner i would eat like 3 huge plates of food and then throw up for 5 minutes outside(duh i lived on 5 acres i had my pick of places to throw up... lol) when i did that stuff i started out a size 18-22 and ended up a size 14-16 in TEENS the 18-22 was in women clothes..yep.. BUT i also was doing in between 250-750 crunches a ngiht and alot of wanderless walking...lol.. well one last sentece fro the people who are STILL reading my story...  Okay, just to let you peoples know...everything i wrote was completly true except maybe the ages..I am sorry but i can hardly remember what i wore the other day or what i said after i have said it :) um whoever may try to push God on me plz dont try to... i believe that if God is real he has forgotten us a LONG time ago. i do not care to hear about how much he loves me or my family cuz if he did my family would have had some help and would not have had to go through all this sh!t and yes i am very bitter and depressed and no i do not care to be caged like a dog in a mental hospital again. in OKlahoma the hospitals suck and the counselors in them are terrible and no i can not go to another state  to go to another mental hospital (can i do that on medicaid?) um i would appreciate just some kind of kind words or something.. and if u decide to put something rude or mean i will like report abuse or something cuz i was taught that if u have nothing nice to say dont say anything at all-get my Gist ppl?

BYE BYE! HASTA LA VISTA! SWEET DREAMS!

M.B.

lilfallenangel lilfallenangel
18-21, F
20 Responses May 17, 2007

You've been through so much. I admire your courage for putting one foot in front of the other and for going to school, which must be torture. I also feel a lot of compassion for your poor mom and am glad you love her and she loves you.

OMG! Your story is so tragic and im amazed that you had the courage to share it. I kno i wouldnt have been. Dont give up on life because i am sure there is someone out there that sincerely cares about you. I think you are soo strong and sound like a wonderful person. I myself have struggled with weight issues and i want to let you know that the size of your body is nothing compared to the size of your heart. Dont let people bring you down because most likely, if people have the time to talk about you, their trying to cover something up about themseves. Good luck in the future, i hope you have a Long Successful Life.

hmmm...@ maggot...i stopped trying really. i started at my university in Jan 2010. Im ALMOST a sophmore. but im STILL struggling...I started really asking myself what really was wrong. WHY am i so unhappy? started believing in God more. Praying more. Being as positive, hopeful, and determined and focused as possible. behave. plan for your future. FIND a DREAM to LIVE FOR. something you believe, something you want. keep going, and most importantly never stop trying! *hugs* & thanks for all your kind words- to all of you.

u seem to have done 10x more in ur life than me, a 27 yr old male.<br />
I am constantly haunted by my wasted life and empty, barren years and can only see it getting worse as i get older. <br />
I would rather have had it all and lost it than have had nothing ever. <br />
Im boring and am such a wimp that i cannot kill myself. If i really wanted to do it id have jumped off a building or something not these wussy gassing attempts.

i hope everything, or at least Something got better!!!!

im 23 and have attempted suicide 5 times in my life and i almost succeeded... my life is also ****** up, but at the point of no return i learned that nothing or nobody should keep me down... from one depressed state of mind to another... please dont try it again... no matter all the hardships in life you are not alone, keep your head up girl, and know that someone out there is listening and cares :)

Hey girl, just read this now and I passed for a lot of bad stuff before in my life also... lots of drugs, psychoactive drugs, like lsd... I even had a psychosis from that and for about 3 years I wasn't really me, but after that things got better, but I feel like nothing is like it was before... i dunno... but I know i can improve myself and fight for it. kisses

Hey girl, just read this now and I passed for a lot of bad stuff before in my life also... lots of drugs, psychoactive drugs, like lsd... I even had a psychosis from that and for about 3 years I wasn't really me, but after that things got better, but I feel like nothing is like it was before... i dunno... but I know i can improve myself and fight for it. kisses

my dear fallen angel,<br />
i understan more than you realize what you have been through. i was reading your story and some things i had to stop reading because it felt as if i was reading and autobiography of my self. i will not push "GOD" on you. believe me - been there done that got nothing. i have the same outlook on that aspect as you do. but more importantly..... STAY ALIVE. you must so you can keep teaching and humbling people like my self that are 10 yrs your elder and still learning that " i'm not alone in what i am or have gone through"<br />
much love angel<br />
healing still

i wanna cry.

Ok, I read your story and I have to comment because you need a reality check. This isn't an abusive comment, it's meant to help.<br />
<br />
First of all, it's not hard to kill yourself. If you actually wanted to die, you would have done it by now. Secondly, those things happened to you for a reason, and that reason in simple terms is you are here to help the world. Stop looking for sympathy and do something to make other's lives better.<br />
<br />
I want to die, I've had a ****** life as well. I will be expired in 8 months. Until then, I'm going to make the world that has tortured me so a better place because it's the right thing to do.<br />
<br />
You should do the same and maybe you'll find something to make you want to live a little longer...

omg this is so sad but yeah i totally understand what you mean cuz i went thru alot of stuff you mention here 2 n yeah mental hospitals dont care at all cuz i was in one for like a month and it was like jail but please dont try to kill yourself again thats not gonna help you at all trust me i totally undertsnad what you been thru but youre a very strong girl cuz if you have gone thru all these obstacles alive alredy you can keep going dont give up cuz if you give up all those hardships you have gone thru r gonna be meaningless please dont end your life like this theres so many good things n so many good people that do understand you n that do care n let me just tell you that you r not alone i know im not an adult yet or anything but im capable to unertsnad completely cuz i when thru alot of things you did so if you ever want to talck to me just let me know ok even though i dont know you at all im here if you ever need a friend n i do believe you

You darling,<br />
Are Going to be a force to Reckon with. <br />
When you get through this ****. <br />
I have a feeling your on the right track from what you say here.<br />
Do me a Favor.<br />
<br />
STAY ALIVE!<br />
No matter what life throws at you, never let it Break you.<br />
If you Quit now. . . . They win.

Take care sweetheart .... my thoughts are with you !! Try and stay with us ... xxx Hugs

Angel,..you bin thru so much,...and still you find the strength to share it with us,...and help us all to know.....what goes on.... .I think you are an absolute legend,...and your mum too,...i can now see how well she has done to get this far.... Believe me,...your grandma wanted you to have ALL that money,...and if anything,..she'll be 'watching over you',... .So far as me concerned..(lotta experiences etc..)...you have NOTHING to feel shame for,...you are,....even in the midst of hell...you are AMAZING,....please stay safe,..and 'in touch'

this is the story of my life. except the ways of life-end. i wish i could die but i remember that there is always someone that loves me even if they dont show it i know sometimes i want to die nomatter who loves me but how could i do that to my family and friends. i am 16 and i have been to jail 5 times, my girlfriend just broke up with me, my parents yell at me all the time, i have been expeled from school and i used drugs heavier than anyone i know, i was adopted at 6 years old my father left me and my mother died, I DONT WANT TO LIVE IETHER! but i have to just to show the world they cant push me, to tell them to **** off! you can do it but it will be hard

Hi lilfallenangel,<br />
<br />
Thanks for having the courage to share your story. You've endured and witnessed a tremendous amount of stuff for having been such a young person. I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell you that life can really get better after high school. Grade school and high school are rough places to be--kids can be really REALLY mean and make your life hell, whether they know you or not. One of the best things I realized after high school was that I had more of a choice as far as where I was going to spend my time and who I was going to surround myself with. After a certain age, bullshit, bullies, pain, and abuse are more optional. Unfortunately, you've had an enormous dose from what it sounds like. <br />
<br />
I applaud you for staying off drugs and deciding what you do or don't want to do with your body. I'm sorry you were forced to do things you didn't want to, and I say the same for your mom as well. <br />
<br />
I did notice you beat yourself up a little bit for being raped by that guy at the party. You were a kid, for real, and it wasn't your fault. A thirteen or fourteen year old should be safe from **** like that. In addition, stealing money from your grandma...if that's the worst you did as a kid with such a tough life, you did great. If your grandma knew any of the stuff you revealed here, she probably would have wanted to give you the money. I hope you can forgive yourself - I don't know your grandma, but I bet if she were here to read your story, she would certainly forgive you.<br />
<br />
You have more choices now than you did when you were little, and that's a great thing. Be safe, be tough, be well, and be strong. Keep pushing!

Yours is such a tragic story, and while I do not believe in suicide I can fully understand why you have wanted to end your life. Please do not try that again. Whatever anyone else does to you, whatever your circumstances, you, and only you, are in charge of your life. You are as precious as anyone else, so gather up your courage and go forward and meet the happiness and success that I am sure is waiting for you in your future life. Remember that you are in charge, no one else, take good care of yourself and I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Well its obviously not working so maybe you should stop??? Suicide isnt really a good career to pick at the age of 15

why....? :(