Last Night

I did something stupid. It was horrible, selfish and I've been trying so hard to learn my lesson, it just..kinda comes when I least expect it. It's like a light switch, I know it's coming but I shut off so quickly that I can't settle myself down in time to stop it. Well, last night it was the worst. I don't think I've ever felt so much hate in my entire life, in myself and my ex, in the people that have done bad things to me..my worst memory of the night was re-living the day that my dog died. I knew something was up with him because he didn't return that night after he had ran away. I thought he was caught by the dog pound and all we had to do was pick him up, nothing more.

But my story isn't about that. It's about the ones I've hurt. This, wasn't entirely a suicide attempt. I did have thoughts of suicide last night but as I was putting the gun down I had accidentally fired it off and it had hit my shoulder. My sister, I know I hurt the most. She's been crying ever since it had happened, I had hurt her boyfriend as well and even my boyfriend who was trying to talk me out of it.

I had drawn a picture, just an abstract picture of this mouse looking thing and it turned to a completely ugly, dark being. I had realized that I had made a picture of a mouse, an innocent looking creature into something that would devour every bit of happiness in a person which is what depression is. You're innocent and the depression takes the happiness right out of you. This, is something that I've had to look at over and over again.

I shared that for a reason. This picture proved to me that there was something truly wrong with me and no one was just making this up. Maybe, I can't do it on my own like they say but I know that the most important thing was to identify it and know that this was serious. I love my family, I love my friend and I ESPECIALLY love my boyfriend. He has been there for me when no one else has. No matter what I say or do, he is there and he will not stop caring for me no matter what. He's shown me what real love means, what real love is and that not everyone in this world is bad, that not everyone in this world can truly understand but there are people who do and will try to when new things arise.

He's told me that he still loves me because he knows what I'm like when I'm truly happy and that I could get there some day with a bit of guidance. It's more than anyone could ever ask for and I love him very much.

As for my sister, I love her just as much. She is just like him, personality wise. Will not stop caring, no matter what happens. Even though she doesn't fully understand what's going on, she tries to and she tries to pull through for me to make sure that I'm okay, even though she has her breaking points too. I understand that and she understands me, so we just hug it out when we have nothing else to say to each other. I love her like no other twin could love the other twin, like no other friend could love their other friend..

They both mean so much to me. I've come to realize that it's not even about me anymore, it's about them. I need to pull though for them and I need to let them know that they are loved. They have done so much for me, including my sister's boyfriend, they have done loads for me and it's time I do the same for them. It's time for me to allow them to feel happy again and stress free. I've tried to end my life 9 times and each one of them, I have survived. It seems like there is a reason why I'm still alive. It's time for me to shape up.
ZappedToTheUnicorn ZappedToTheUnicorn
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 12, 2013

I hope you're recovering well. Please don't feel bad. Things get so overwhelming sometimes that we don't know where else to turn. It's the depressed mind clouding our judgment x