From Whose Bourne No Traveller Returns

I have attempted suicide many times, sometimes I wonder why I bother since the first time  didn't work. I'm a perfectionist so, you'd think that after the first failure I'd have stopped because I'm so obviously crap at it.
The first time was when I was 16, I took a whack load of my Asthma medication, Theophilin( I think that's how it's spelled).  I got scared because I had done it a school and my friend whom I had told, got upset. It was in retrospect a supremely selfish thing to do by involving her. She got upset and that frightened me ( It was a Catholic School ie mortal sin Self murder etc). Her fear of what would happen to me, if I died with a mortal sin on my soul scared me. So off I went to intensive care where I had the supreme discomfort of having my stomach pumped and then charcoal pumped into me every 4 hours or so.  Later I learned that the pills I had taken, would have lead to an excruciating death.  Blood vessels bursting in my brain, that sort of thing.  That was why the doctors kept waking me up every 2 hours or so to shine lights in my eyes, apparently there were expecting me to have some sort of brain damage, even though they had got me to the hospital in time.  They said I was "Bloody lucky" that there wasn't any residual affects.
That was the first time. 
The next was when I was at Uni.  I don't recall it too clearly.  There was a lot of alcohol and drugs, at the end all I can clearly remember was sitting on the kitchen floor crying, trying to cut my own throat with a carving knife. I think I passed out then, because I woke up a few hours later. On the floor the knife still in my hand. 
Not long after that I tried to hang my self, but the cord I used was too weak and it broke.
The last time I took a an overdose of Xanax (or at least I thought it was)  my psych said you couldn't kill yourself on it but I found out that you could, via the net.  I thought 25 would be enough. It wasn't.  I woke up, only a few hours later, confused and unable to speak, walk or see properly.  But, those effects passed after a day or two.
It seems I am an "Impulse Suicider" if there is such a thing.  when I have my lows, they are low. And it is in those moments that any rationality flies out the door and I try to top myself.  But, each time I'll wake up, feel exhausted and go to bed and when I wake up again. The moment has passed.  My psych say that is my real danger times. The depressions he can treat, but not the momentary blackness that sweeps over me, when I can hear death whispering so lovingly in my ear.  In those moments I see death, I actually see it. I know it is always with me.  My constant, closest companion.  In better times it follows at a distance. But, sometimes it is closer , its hand so warm upon my shoulder. And in those moments it all makes sense.  It always makes sense.  And that is the part that scares me.  Because, that means it might happen again. 
DarkPhoenix DarkPhoenix
31-35, F
1 Response May 30, 2007

I know what its like to feel so bad as to seriously consider suicide..My desperate need to be with my son caused me to nearly drive my car over the sea wall...it was the quickest way I cuold think of. Something stopped me and to this day ,i dont know what. But I remember the pain and my heart goes out to you. I hope that suicide is the only thing that you fail at because you a valued and special person, ..and one day you will believe that.