Take Me Away

I attempted suicide on more than one occasion. Bipolar tends to do that to you... makes you feel unwanted, unneeded, invisible. I don't remember what it was that I took but there was an entire bottle of it in me. A dear friend happened to call, and knowing my history, could sense something was wrong. Mind you I had already written the letters and had made my peace. It was just enough between the split up with my husband and the crazy thoughts that I couldn't control. I didn't have a diagnosis yet so I didn't know that there was a reason for my issues. My friend showed up and found me passed out on the couch. Being a good friend he didn't turn me in but instead forced me to throw up for about two hours. We sat on the bathroom floor, laughing, crying, living. He saved me that night. Of course taking that many pills does tend to leave a mark. The days that followed proved to be quite painful in a literal sense. My kidneys took the brunt of it as they slowly stopped working. I ended up in the hospital telling lies about having a headache so bad that I took too many motrin to fix it. After a week inside with steroids, sonograms and scheduled biopsies, I finally regained function of my kidneys. I still have pain now and again triggered from certain foods that are harder to process but for now I'm alive. I don't regret the attempt as it made me stronger. It was the first time I didn't chicken out and that things were stopped by an outside force. I think it helped as I haven't tried again (although the thoughts are there) but knowing that I'm not afraid to die and that the option is there seems to be enough. I do think once the kids are grown I may have to take an early exit. I'm here for them now and they are here for me. I know that w/o I'd be long gone.
mysplitpersonality mysplitpersonality
36-40, F
3 Responses Jun 16, 2007

I appreciate the kinds words however I do not have a god. I was raised in a Catholic home/school and realized several years ago that there were to many things I did not agree with. If you have a god/religion then I respect that and do not push my beliefs on others as I would expect others not to do so to me. My best friend in the entire world is devoted to the church and that works for her.... it just isn't for everyone. Thank you again and have a wonderful...

Hi there. I am so glad to read something other than, "I am so glad I survived another day. Thank you God for giving me a new life." It is very tiresome. I am working on my letters now. The only reason why I never attempted suicide before was because I had not written the letters I needed to. I empathize with you completely. I know how peaceful I feel now and that it will come easy for me when the day comes. Thanks for your story. I do not have a God in the dogmatic religion sense and I would not wish for others to threaten me with eternal damnation in the burning pits of hell.

People say that it would be hard for those we would leave behind, well, it would be if we died of natural causes too. Maybe it is "our time." Peace and Love. Jessica

hi, i my self am muslim, i used to self harm, but then i said, o god, gide me and give me peace, help me to over come this.<br />
and there was an overwelming felling of fullness,<br />
try it, you never know,<br />
were do you live, i can give you detailes of your local mosque, if you live near me i will happily take you.<br />
you will be verry welcome, even if you dont even want to be muslim!<br />
go to my site for more or email me @ findpeaceinislam@hotmail.co.uk<br />
i wil pray for you every night, you do to, even if you do not no who you are praying to, god will awnser you,<br />
for he is the most merciful<br />
god hlep you<br />
and gide you like he did to me<br />
bye.

I know how you feel totally. It would be a comfort to not be in this world and dealing with the cycles. I get REALLY tired of the feeling that I'm alone in the world and no one gives a ****. I feel suicidal from time to time but never had an attempt. I know that things get really tiresome but I would avoid thinking of killing yourself when your kids get older. It will still be very painful for them...I know the cycle of mania and depression is torture but you may only perpetuate the cycle by killing yourself. Your own pain is gone but others pain is magnified.