Iv Tried..failed..what Next?

ok,  i havnt ever spoken to anyone about what i did... its too hard to explain without just sounding mental and them worrying/trying to do something about it. but here goes..

a few months back i threw myself in front of a car in a serious attempt to end it all.  of course it didnt work.. it just left me with alot of scars, alot of pain and unable to walk until now (just).  i realise how selfish it was of me to do that to the poor driver of the car..but i really didnt care at the time..now this is another thing that knaws on my conscience daily.

upside of it is i have a ready supply of serious painkillers now (for the chronic back pain i get wenever i move), unfortunately theyre not the most deadly of pills..i was just looking up the lethal dose and its high..but  doable if i stock up.

what brought it all on was mostly splitting upwith my boyfriend of 7/8 years, who i started going out with when i was 14. he was my whole life..and we split last year and arent in touch now. iv lost all my friends over the last few years, mainly because of him and my increasingly depressive state.  i avoid sleeping because every dream is about being with him, and wen i wake the pain is there all over again. when i do sleep ..made easier by the huge amounts of alcohol and drugs i now do..i stay in bed all day because i cant face the days without him. and it doesnt get easier with time, its getting much worse. 

it sounds so pathetic but its not just about him..theres a thousand reasons i cant go on much longer.

whatever i do...in my heart is that same sinking, empty feeling. the only thing that stops me trying too hard again is my parents, i cant bear to think how theyd feel when im gone, and what theyv wasted on me all these years..love,money, patience with my constant foul mood.

im sry that was such a rant..but as i said iv never told anyone any of this ****. basically im hanging on right now but i dont know what for..i cant live my life without my boy but hes never gona be mine again and i cant bear it.  

i dont know what i can do now except the obvious..

please anyone whos got thru this kind of thing or has any advice that could help stop me, pls pls let me know...soon!  

thanks for listening  xx
chawle chawle
22-25, F
5 Responses Jun 19, 2007

I'm not sure what to say except "this too will pass." The serious nature of your attempt suggests you need serious help, or at least someone to talk to. Have you tried writing, painting, and other cathartic activities that will not put you in overt pain? Please: this is not the answer. I tried five years ago now, and I'm just beginning to crawl out from under it. But the hole in your head will go away: "the box is only temporary."

I'm not sure what to say except "this too will pass." The serious nature of your attempt suggests you need serious help, or at least someone to talk to. Have you tried writing, painting, and other cathartic activities that will not put you in overt pain? Please: this is not the answer. I tried five years ago now, and I'm just beginning to crawl out from under it. But the hole in your head will go away: "the box is only temporary."

I'm not sure what to say except "this too will pass." The serious nature of your attempt suggests you need serious help, or at least someone to talk to. Have you tried writing, painting, and other cathartic activities that will not put you in overt pain? Please: this is not the answer. I tried five years ago now, and I'm just beginning to crawl out from under it. But the hole in your head will go away: "the box is only temporary."

You can find another guy and it will be even better. but seriously, you really fumped in front of a car, sry to bring it up but i have considered it a little more than a few times. things can get better but you have to work for it that is my problem I want things to change but don't want to have to do the work

THERE ARE LOADS OF MEN IN THIS WORLD SO IF YOU REALLY WANT TO CLEAN UP YOUR ACT YOU COULD HAVE NEW PARTNER AS SOON AS YOU WANT.<br />
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ONE TRUE LOVE THAT IS A MYTH PERPETUATED TO STOP US SHAGGING EACH OTHER SILLY> GET OUT THERE & HAVE GOOD TIME!