How'd I Get Here?

about 3.5 yrs ago i was in a bad accident.  i underwent many surgical procedures and nothing was helping.  i still couldn't walk 11 months into it - it took about 20 mos to walk again. 

anyway ... the last two procedures were BIG and i had to be weaned off my pain medication to accurately assess how much affect the procedure had.  the weaning began about 6 weeks prior to the scheduled date of surgery.  it failed.  after my 43rd surgery in 7 months the doc said he had done everything he could.  i asked him if he'd be willing to refer to me another doc, maintain my healthcare until then, etc. and he refused saying there was nothing he could do for me.

there i sat without pain medication on week 6 getting no news, no assistance from the doc and having yet another failed procedure.  it took another 2 weeks to get in to see my original surgeon.  he referred me to another doc.  that took another month.

it was right at the 3 month mark when i finally found some relief with the new doc.  (i'd been diagnosed with a neurological pain disorder due to nerve trauma/joint trauma and it is the most painful thing known to man on the mcgill pain chart.  i was in serious pain.)

in those 3 months i repeatedly opened my eyes to a nightmare.  i would be sitting on the bench in the bathtub with a straight razor to my wrist.  it was as if i'd just woken up.  i didn't remember getting there.  i didn't remember even thinking thoughts like that.  and why the shower?  the more i've thought about that the only thing i can pin it on is maybe so there wasn't a difficult clean up?.?.

i don't recall considering or even plotting or planning my demise - i would simply end up on the brink several times a week.  the only thing i can think of is that i was in so much pain my body wanted to escape any way it could subconsciously.  i certainly wasn't conscious of such thoughts...

i'm glad i finally got in to see that doc.  i was in a bad place and very scary place at that point having realized what my body was doing on auto-pilot!

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal
31-35, F
1 Response Jun 22, 2007

that sounds...terrifying.