Still Having Mixed Feelings

When i was 14, i was having a very hard time dealing with my life. I lived at my mothers work which happened to be a home for mentally challenged individuals. growing up in a place like that, you come to realize that those people didn't ask to come into this world that way. Yet, when your 14 and getting teased in school about it, you don't quite see it that way. I would get papers thrown at me in lunch. People would call me retarded or mental constantly. It really brought me down not having any friends.

Then at home, my mom basically ignored me. I don't think it was intentional. She just doesn't really show affection well. To this day, anytime i cry, she tells me to stop. I just don't think she can emotionally handle it.

Also, I was starting to wonder exactly who my father was. I never actually met him. I never received letters. Never saw a picture. I would just look in the mirror and pick out features i thought i could have recieved from him. Honestly, I had no idea where he even resided.

All of this came crashing down on me at once. Everything was falling apart and i honestly thought that if i died, not a single soul would notice. I pictured my funeral. Closed casket with only my mother and grandparents there. No one else would care enough to waste there precious time.

After being ignored by my mother one day when i got home from school (a horendous day by the way), I just stopped thinking. I walked out to the barn and grabbed some rope. I tied a knot and swung it over the pillar. I stood there weeping for god knows how long.

As movie like as it seems, right as i was about to drop, a staff came out and saw me. they grabbed me and restrained me.

My mom just told me to go to my room. That was the end of it.

I went up to my room and blacked out. i woke up with blood covered sleeves. I guess i sliced the top of my wrists with a piece of glass from a picture frame. I don't remember.

Honestly, i worked myself through all of my issues i faced. I never really talked to anyone about it. I just came to terms with the fact that i was put on this planet for a reason, and maybe someday i'd find a way to make it worth while.

stellar stellar
18-21, F
3 Responses Jul 16, 2007

Wow, your story is amazing. The great thing is that your story isn't even close to over yet. You have so much life left and I believe all these things are making you become a stronger, more beautiful and interesting person. You only have to live with your mom until you are 18. 18 years is so short compared to the rest of your life. You have many years left to love, enjoy, and cherish. You are such a strong and wonderful person to have overcome what you have. Don't let anyone put you down and say your not good enough or that you don't deserve better. Because you are a smart, beautiful, kind, and so important because even though it seems crazy you can change lives and change the world. I know that you will do great things in your life and you will find people that love you and you will mean the absolute world to them! I encourage you to stay strong like you have been :) You have gone through so much so don't give up now. I can relate to your story even though I know I don't know exactly how you feel. I was just like you and I thought I had overcome all those hard things and I got better by myself. But now everything is resurfacing and I have to deal with these things once and for all. It hurts like hell and every day is a struggle. I still have suicidal thoughts, self-harm thoughts, and self esteem issues/thoughts. But counseling is helping me so much. Talking through things and coming to terms with all the pain and confusion I've experienced and still experiece is healing me. Don't get me wrong you may have solved all your problems, because I can tell that you are a strong, intelligent and amazing person. But counseling can help even more and I encourage you to talk to a counselor or someone who can help you through your past/childhood because these things don't usually just go away. They may go away for awhile but can come back to haunt you. My mother thought she had gotten through everything but truly she had buried all her hurt and pain and confusion. Then she started having seizures and the doctors couldn't figure it out. She was actually having major panic attacks from all the subconcious stress and pain that deep down never went away. I am not saying this is going to happen to you but I just want you to feel happy and enjoy the beautiful life you deserve. I hope you continue to stay the amazingly strong and wonderful person you are :) If you would ever like to talk or hear my story feel free to contact me. I continue to struggle to this day but it helps me to know that I can help atleast one person have a better life. It keeps me going when I feel like giving up. When you are feeling down and sad just reread this post or contact me because life is too short to spend alone and sad. I care about you and I know others do too and even people you haven't met yet will care. Continue to stay amazing :) Luv4evr -B

I can understand how you felt. I felt the exact same way for a long time. However, there is a reason why you came into this world. That's not just a hope or a wish, it's a fact. By that fact alone, you can do amazing things in your life, just as long as you believe you can. Stay strong!

Thanks. I'm pretty glad myself.